


Stay With Me

by LadyLilianna



Category: Euronymous - Fandom, Hellhammer - Fandom, Mayhem - Fandom, Necrobutcher - Fandom, Romance - Fandom, Time travel - Fandom, dead - Fandom, pelle ohlin, per yngve ohlin - Fandom, øystein aarseth - Fandom
Genre: Black Metal, F/M, Fluff, Lords Of Chaos - Freeform, Mayhem, Murder, Romance, Sexual Content, Suicide, The True Mayhem, Time Travel, metal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2020-08-13 06:24:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 47,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20169607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLilianna/pseuds/LadyLilianna
Summary: Vanessa Stevens, after years of hard work, has finally perfected her time travel device to stop the deaths of Pelle Ohlin and Euronymous and to warn them about Varg.Dead has all but given up on living. The only thing that keeps him somewhat sane is the mysterious woman he sees in his dreams...dreams of his own death. His friends believe he is finally loosing his mind, but something tells him she's more than just a dream.There's just one problem...Vanessa and Dead have fallen in love and Euronymous is determined to steal away the last bit of light that Dead clings on to...





	1. Chapter 1

** _“Please don’t leave me alone,” he begged. _ **

** _The pale arm reached out for her once again and it truly felt as though she would finally be able to feel his touch this time. To rescue him before it was too late. The blond mess of hair framed his face as tears cascaded down the sides of his face, his icy blue eyes looking into her own. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t move from the spot she was standing, as if a piece of glass separated them._ **

** _“I can’t make it without you,” his voice cracking as he continued to talk through the blood._ **

** _Her voice came as barely a whisper as she called out to him. “I promise I’ll come back for you. Don’t give up on me.”_ **

** _His hand fell to his side as he fell to the floor, the blood going in every direction like someone spilling a glass of water. Her heart broke, a scream leaving her lips that would have scared even the bravest of souls. He was dying and there was nothing she could do to help him._ **

** _“I won’t leave you,” she cried. “I promise.”_ **

Her eyes snapped open as she shot up in the bed, taking in the familiar surroundings of her bedroom. The nightmare was getting worse. Looking down at her phone, it was still too early to go anywhere, but early enough to take a shower and clear her mind. If it wasn’t the nightmares keeping her from sleeping, work was. Vanessa scolded herself over and over for ever mentioning what she had been working on, now her bosses wanted full reports as well as tests done. She debated on just telling them that she was going to scrap the project altogether just so so she could focus on her own goals; but if she were to do that they would just take it for themselves.

It was no coincidence to her that the nightmares were getting worse. They hadn’t even started until she started her work. If her theory proved to be correct, the man in her dreams knew exactly what she was attempting to do and knew exactly who she was. The only problem now was getting the damn thing to work properly without starting another house fire. 

Deciding to worry about it later, Vanessa stepped into the shower and turned the heat as high as it would go. The familiar sting of the water against her skin caused her to shrink back slightly before stepping back into the water; the pain almost pleasurable to her. 

** _“Help…”_ **

Vanessa quickly turned around half expecting to see someone standing behind her. Her heart felt as though it were lodged in her throat when she saw that she was the only one in the room. The voice had sounded so close, yet at the same time so far away. 

This was new. 

Shaking it off, Vanessa quickly turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the rack beside her. 

“Maybe I’m going insane,” she mumbled to herself, wiping the water from her face. 

The familiar feeling of dread and excitement flooded her all at once as she slid down the wall onto the bathroom floor. None of this had gone the way she had hoped it would. She should have had it figured out by now...should have saved him by now. Yet here she was. Her heart felt heavy as she thought of the blond man begging her to help him; of what she would do once that thin veil of glass was finally lifted from in front of them. She could hear his voice as clear as if he were beside her. A side effect from her project no doubt.

Her brow furrowed, determination replacing the pitiful expression she knew she had been wearing. If they wanted results so badly they would have to test it, but not before she tested it herself. As far as her bosses knew, the machine was due to be completed for another two months at the earliest without any error. Much to her satisfaction, she had worked out the bugs weeks ago. Pushing herself up off the floor, her mind made up, she pulled on the clothes she would be needing to make it all work properly.

Getting the tight leather pants on seemed to be her biggest challenge since she was still wet from the shower, along with the matching cut-off top. Her goal was to blend in as best she could with the people, to make sure she didn’t make a bigger spectacle of herself than was already about to happen. There was no guarantee where she would end up when she walked through the door, or if she would even be close to where she wanted to be. 

Tying up the laces on her combat boots, Vanessa quickly put on her makeup before tossing the items in the small backpack she kept on the floor beside the bathroom sink. This wasn’t something she hadn’t thought of plenty of times before, but today needed to be the day she left while she had the chance. If she proved successful in her own mission, she would willingly hand over the device to her bosses once she returned. If all went as it was intended, no one would even know she was gone. Just to be on the safe side, Vanessa went to her desk and wrote down a small note to whoever would find it if things happen to go wrong. Slinging the bag onto her shoulder she made her way to the basement, her determination growing stronger with every step she took. 

Things seemed to move slowly as she approached the basement door, the anticipation growing deep inside her as she turned the handle. Her breathing became heavy, shaky, as she made her way down the stairs, the large black door coming into view. Her hand instantly reached for the watch on her left wrist, making sure it was securely in place. With the flip of a switch the lights came on revealing the computer beside the door.

“Here goes nothing,” she murmured as she turned the computer on.

The sounds of the machine coming to life were almost deafening. It never ceased to amaze her that the neighbours never once called the police for a noise complaint. Taking a minute to go over the machine one last time before testing it, Vanessa took one final deep breath as she typed in the date of her destination and the location she hoped she would end up at. Worse case scenario was being placed a few miles from her destination leaving her to find it herself. The door opened, the wall behind it replaced with a dark void. Taking one last look around her, Vanessa said her silent goodbyes to her home, hoping that the years of work she put into this would pay off. If by some chance she didn’t return but ended up succeeding in her mission, she could at least be thankful for that.

“I promise,” she whispered as she stepped up to the door. “I won’t leave you this time.”

~

He stared at the ceiling with wide eyes as he tried to comprehend the dreams he had been having lately of his own death. Normally thoughts of death were what kept him as sane as he could possibly be, but for some reason, these dreams made the subject unsettling for the vocalist. The woman in his dreams didn’t help the matter either. She was in every dream he had been having these past months and it was beginning to drive him insane no knowing who she was or why he was seeing her. Yet, he found her presence almost comforting. Although he could hardly hear her voice when he saw her, he could never forget the way her emerald eyes pierced his blue ones with grave concern and love. 

Yes, love.

Real or not, he could feel the love she had for him even without knowing his name. Her pale hand always reaching for him when the nightmare began to get worse, always so close yet so far from his reach. It always ended the same. He would beg her to stay, to save him, and she would promise every time that she would save him. The nightmares had him questioning his remaining sanity. His friends tried to tell him that it was only a dream but he couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. Things were changing in his world, and it was a change Dead wasn’t sure he could handle.

“Hey!” called Euronymous from outside the door. “We have practice in an hour. You still alive in there, Pelle?”

Dead managed to yell back. “Be down in a minute.”

Euronymous said nothing after that. He didn’t need to. Dead enjoyed his privacy almost as much as Euronymous enjoyed a nice, cold Cola. Their next show was in two days and they had pretty much covered everything that needed to be gone over; but Euronymous wasn’t one to let mistakes happen. His hand slid off his chest to the wooden floor beneath him, using it to push himself up off the mattress. He took a look around the room before his eyes landed on one of his faded pentagram shirts. Once practice was over he would venture out into town for some air and some more snus. 

Pulling the shirton, he groaned as he left the comfort of his room. “I’ll be seeing you tonight.”

He knew she couldn’t hear him. There was no possible way of it; yet somehow it made the vocalist feel closer to the mysterious red haired woman. 

“Bout time you woke up,” joked Hellhammer as Dead entered the living room.

Dead forced a smile over at the drummer. “Couldn’t really sleep well last night.”

Hellhammer punched his shoulder. “You see your dream girlfriend again?”

Dead nodded. “I see her every night. The dreams are always the same.”

Euronymous rolled his eyes. “Maybe it’s time for you to get an actual girlfriend, Pelle. Have you ever thought that maybe that’s what the dream is telling you?”

Dead shook his head, his expression serious. “I know that’s not what they mean. I know she’s real, Euronymous, I just have to find her.”

As much as Euronymous enjoyed teasing the Swede, he couldn’t help but feel slightly worried at the same time.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” continued Dead. “I know what I feel and I know what you all think, so maybe we shouldn’t talk about it anymore.”

Hellhammer nodded in agreement. “Whatever you say, Pelle. If you think she’s real then who are we to say otherwise?”

“Realistic,” snickered Euronymous.

“So where are we doing the show?” Dead questioned desperate to change the subject.

“Someplace downtown I think,” answered Necrobutcher. “I think the guy said it was someplace called The Veil.”

Dead thought for a moment, trying to recall if he had ever heard of the place before. He could have sworn he had heard of it before yet nothing came to mind. 

** _“I won’t leave you this time...”_ **

The cup in his hand crashed to the floor, shattering across the floor. His heart pounded against his chest as he tried to steady his breathing; trying to rationalize why he was hearing her voice while he was awake. He could hear Euronymous yelling about the broken glass, yet it sounded as though Dead were hearing him underwater. Hellhammer and Necrobutcher joined in with Euronymous in trying to get his attention, but got no response.

“Dead!” hollard Hellhammer as he shook the vocalist. “Dead, are you okay?”

Shaking his head violently Dead managed to nod at the drummer. “Yeah, I’m alright.”

Euronymous wasn’t convinced. “What the hell was that? You went completely white, more so than usual, and just completely left the planet.”

“I...I don’t know what happened. I thought…”

“You thought what, Pelle?” questioned Necro. 

“I need to get some air. I’ll be back in a little while. Do we need anything from town?”

Shaking their heads, Dead walked out the door without another word. His mind racing as he tried to replay her voice in his head again. He was sure that he wasn’t dreaming. Pinching himself on his neck, he groaned in frustration at the small sting that came from it. He certainly wasn’t dreaming; and if he was it was the most realistic dream he had ever experienced. 

“Where are you?” he asked to no one in particular. 

They were wrong. Euronymous would never understand what he felt for her even if he couldn’t see her outside his dreams. Something told him that she was in fact real, that she knew who he was, and that she cared about him. He knew why Euronymous gave him such a hard time over it. It wasn’t normal for someone to be so obsessed with a person in a dream, but when did he ever claim to be even remotely normal? He buried his stage clothes for crying out loud. He didn’t want to be normal like the rest of them if it meant he had to give her up.

Dead shuddered as a cool breeze swept across his face, kicking himself for not grabbing his jacket when he left. The scent of fall lingered in the air, the leaves around him already beginning to change their colors. Picking up a fallen leaf he twirled it around in his fingers, examining the vibrant red and orange colors that decorated it. Closing his fingers, he sighed as he heard the crunch of the leaf. The small bits of it falling out of his hand as he released them back into the wind. He could see the town come into view, the people walking in and out of shops while cars passed by them. 

For one reason or another, it often hurt his head when he thought of what the people he saw were doing. To think that their lives were probably as complicated as his own, or less, or that each one had their own life beyond what he saw was enough to make his head spin with wonder. At times he had often thought of the world as a movie, people only coming and going when he was around. A silly thought, but one that kept his mind wandering. His thoughts drifted back to his dream woman. He tried to imagine what she would be like if she were there with him. Would she think he was crazy too? Maybe he was.

“Afternoon,” greeted one of the men at the counter as he entered the corner store.

Dead nodded in their direction, not wanting to talk to anyone else today, and headed to the back of the store to grab some snacks. Any other day he wouldn’t really care about eating or not, it was no secret that he would rather go without eating, but the walk down had made him hungry. Grabbing a few packs of Nerds candy and a bag of Doritos he made his way back up to the register, keeping his eyes glued to the floor to avoid conversation with anyone.

“Have a nice day, son,” the man smiled at him.

Dead forced a smile back, waving goodbye as he walked out of the store. 

“Shit,” he cursed under his breath. “Completely forgot my snus. Whatever.”

Shaking it off, Dead began his walk back to the house. 

“Pelle!”

He stopped in his tracks, turning to face whoever had called him. His eyes grew wide, the bag he was holding slipping through his fingers onto the ground. Try as he might, Dead couldn’t speak. His throat had become as dry as the desert, his heart pounding so hard against his chest he thought it would explode. There she was. Standing in front of him dressed in tight black leather with dark black makeup around her eyes. Her long mahogany hair was tied up into a high ponytail with just a few loose strands beside her pale face. 

Finally, he found his voice. “Are you real?”

Reaching out, she took his hand as she answered him, a small smile on her red lips.

“Yes.”


	2. Chapter 2

A million questions ran through Dead’s mind as they walked through the town, but once again he couldn’t seem to find his voice. Instead, he listened as she talked to him about everything and nothing. She seemed so fascinated with the simplest of things; it was almost adorable. He winced in pain as he pinched himself for the fifth time, trying to convince himself he was somehow dreaming. Vanessa frowned as she watched him out of the corner of her eye. She understood that he was confused, but seeing him in pain made her heart sink lower into her stomach.

“Is everything alright?” she questioned, concern lacing her voice.

“Yes,” he managed to get out. “This is all just so surreal.”

“I know exactly what you mean.”

“How did...how did you find me? I don’t know you and you don’t know me as far as I know. So, what is all this?”

Vanessa paused, thinking over how she wanted to handle things for the moment. There was no denying that he knew who she was; at the very least that she was in his dreams. She could try explaining who she was now and why she was here, but that put her at risk of being thought of as insane. Yet, she knew his feelings were fragile whether or not he admitted it. One wrong thing could easily have him shut her out completely to the point of not trusting her. She didn’t want to deceive him.

Taking a deep breath, she resolved to tell him the truth as best she could. “I came to try and save you.”

Dead stopped, turning to face her. “What are you talking about?”

Here goes nothing.

“I know who you are because I’m from the future, as dumb as that might sound. You died and it was considered the biggest loss to the black metal scene. After you died, so did Euronymous a few years later.”

“How did I die?” he whispered.

Vanessa sighed. “Suicide.”

Dead nodded. “I figured that’s what you’d say. I want to believe you, but I don’t have any proof. How do I know you aren’t lying to me?”

Vanessa thought for a moment. “I could show you my phone if that would make a difference? Aside from anything I brought with me the only things I could do to prove anything would be to tell you whatever I know.”

Dead shook his head, a smirk on his face. “I think for now I’ll just take your word for it. After all, it’s not every day that I see the same woman from my dreams right in front of me. That has to mean something.”

Vanessa let out a breath of relief as the continued to walk, every now and again sneaking a look at the blond man she had seen so often in her nightmares. He was much more handsome than she had originally thought; the dreams didn’t do him justice at all. Sure, he was as thin a a telephone pole, but he was stunning. His eyes seemed fixed on the ground in front of him, glancing up only occasionally to make sure there was nothing in his way. She wanted to say something to him, anything, that would get him to talk to her. She had waited so long for this moment and was now kicking herself at not being able to find anything to say to him. She could only imagine what he was thinking about at the moment.

“So, what do we do from here?” he questioned as they came to a final stop in front of the house.

Vanessa’s eyes met his, searching for some kind of clue as to what he was hoping for. She could easily say she wanted to rush into something serious with him, throw her heart on the line for him if it meant it would keep him with her…Or was it safer to take it all slow? Her heart began to skip, her head suddenly feeling like it was spinning in circles. Glancing down she noticed his hand reaching for her own, inviting her to take it. 

“Pelle,” she whispered. “Shouldn’t we try taking this slow? Get to know each other better?”

A smirk played at his lips. “Is that what you want to do?”

_ Damn him…  _

Shaking her head, her hand found his. “No.”

Dead stood straighter, his head held a bit higher as if a wave of newly found confidence washed over him. It was a look that fit him well.

“Future or not,” he continued. “There’s something between us and I’d like to find out more about it, but, I would also like to have you as close as possible. Is that alright with you? Can I trust you?”

“I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that would break your trust, Pelle.”

Closing the distance, he wrapped his arms around her, his head resting against hers as the two enjoyed the silence between them. To hell with being slow, to hell with being cautious. She wanted him. And even if it meant staying there with him, Vanessa would do whatever it took to keep him alive and with her… The silence, however, was quickly interrupted.

“Who’s this?” Euronymous questioned.

Dead noticed the hungry look in his friend’s eyes, pulling Vanessa closer he let out a small growl.

“My girlfriend,” he replied harshly.

Euronymous smirked. “Is she now? Interesting.”

As Hellhammer and Necro joined them outside, Dead continued to glare at Euronymous as the guitarist eyed the woman in front of him with lust filled eyes.

_ We’ll see about that…  _ Euronymous thought to himself.  _ We’ll see…  _


	3. Chapter 3

Vanessa listened as Hellhammer and Necro questioned Dead, asking how he had suddenly gotten a girlfriend in just one day. She was thankful that he didn’t tell them about her being from the future; that wasn’t something she was ready to deal with just yet. As Dead talked, their false backstory being that they had been childhood friends, Euronymous simply continued to glare at Dead from his seat on the front steps. Dead hardly seemed to take notice as he focused on talking with the other's, his arm still wrapped protectively around Vanessa’s side. 

Taking the opportunity she leaned against him, breathing him in. His hair brushed against her cheek as a cool breeze passed over them, his scent filling her nose with something similar to the modern day shampoos men washed with along with a smell that was all his own. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t been with other men before, she’d had her fair share of boyfriends in her twenty-one years, but there was something about Dead that was different from the people she had dated in the past. Maybe it was the simplicity of the time period she now found herself in. Whatever the case, she couldn’t resist moving closer to him.

~

Dead held back another smile as he felt Vanessa push herself closer to him, his arm holding her tighter as he talked to Necro.

“So how come you’ve never mentioned her before?” questioned Hellhammer. “She’s definitely something to brag about, Pelle.”

Dead simply shrugged. “I guess I just didn’t want to get teased or anything. She’s special.”

Looking at her as he said it, he knew that they would never realize just how literal he meant that last statement.

Necro grinned, patting the vocalist on the shoulder. “Good for you, Pelle. How about we get something to eat? I’m sure your friend must be hungry.”

Not wanting to argue, Dead followed the two inside with Vanessa still beside him. Euronymous came behind them not much longer, walking over to the fridge to grab a cold Cola. 

“I’ll have lunch ready in twenty so why don’t you show Vanessa around, Pelle,” suggested Necro as he began pulling various ingredients out of the fridge.

Taking hold of her hand, Dead led Vanessa to his bedroom. She stood in the doorway as the familiar room was now in front of her. Visions of her nightmares flooded her mind as she looked at the mattress on the floor where she had been seeing Dead every night. Her heart sped up as she took a step inside, the smell of death quickly filling her nose and causing her to take a step back with her hand over her nose. It was almost common knowledge that Dead had always kept dead animals for shows to feel more like a corpse, but she had never expected the smell would be so strong.

Laughing at her reaction, Dead pulled her so her back was against his chest. “I guess the smell got to you. Sorry about that.”

Vanessa tried to laugh along with him, but the image of him lying on the mattress covered in blood wouldn’t leave her mind. 

Dead’s smile quickly fell as he felt her tremble in his arms, the realization hitting him hard as he looked at where she was staring. Turning her in his arms he pulled her into a tight hug, stroking her hair slowly as she began to cry onto his chest. After a moment he pulled away from her, walking her over to the mattress and pulling her down onto his lap as he sat down. It took a few minutes until Vanessa managed to catch her breath and calm down, her fingers finding their way into Dead’s blond hair.

“I don’t want the nightmares to become real,” she choked out. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know how to explain it, but I know we’re meant to be together. We may have just met but I know I love you and don’t want to lose you.”

Dead held her head against his chest. “I won’t go anywhere as long as I’ve got you by my side.”

Looking up at him, his blue eyes piercing into hers, Vanessa could feel the heat rise to her face as his fingers moved under her chin. Her eyes darted downwards looking at his lips as he moved closer to her, wondering if they were as soft as they looked. As their eyes closed and their lips met, she could have sworn the world around them disappeared as his lips moved slowly against hers before pulling away all too suddenly. Dead smiled as he opened his eyes to see that hers were still closed. Once her eyes opened, she smiled down at the floor.

Dead broke the silence. “I hope that was alright. I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

“So… I was your first kiss?”

“Yes. I hope you’ll also be my last as well.”

“I hope so too, Pelle.”

Just as they were about to lean in for another kiss, Euronymous called for them outside the door.

“Food’s done!” he shouted.

Dead nudged her up, following close behind her. 

“If you’d like,” he started, “maybe we could go for a walk and get to know each other better since we’re going to be dating now.”

Vanessa nodded in agreement. “I’d like that.”


	4. Chapter 4

The two sat in comfortable silence,their heads resting gently against the other's as the radio from downstairs played quietly in the background. Dead could feel her tremble against him as he held her close, the thought of the nightmares still weighing heavily on her mind. He wanted to say something to comfort her, anything that would ease her worrying mind, but what was there to say? He had thought about his own death hundreds, if not thousands, of times and it was always a comforting thought to him. To see someone care if he were gone or not was a completely alien feeling to him. There was very little he could change about himself. He hated most people, wanted to be released from the pain of the uncaring mortal world… but not if it meant hurting her.

He still couldn’t wrap his mind around the possibility of her actually going through time just to save him, still wasn’t sure if he actually believed it fully or not, but here she was beside him. Even if she hadn’t come back through time she was still the woman he saw in his dreams every night and that meant everything to him just to have her where he could finally have her in his arms. He watched out of the bottom corner of his eyes as she twirled a piece of his hair around her fingers, her breathing slowly returning to normal before she opened her eyes once again.

Rubbing his nose against hers, Vanessa managed a smile. “Are you alright?” 

Vanessa nodded. “I’ll be alright as long as you’re here with me. I’m sorry I got so worked up.”

Dead shook his head, pulling her closer. “You don’t need to be sorry. To you, those were nightmares, but for me they were always pleasant dreams. Before I saw you in my dreams I can’t count how many times I dreamt about my own death, to be away from this place. IT was never something I gave a second thought about. Don’t get me wrong, for you I’m going to try, but I’m not perfect. I don’t trust anyone easily and I’m depressed as shit. Hell, I don’t even sleep most nights. I honestly think you could have done better than me.”

“Pelle,” started Vanessa. “I wouldn’t change anything about you. I just hope you’ll let me show you that not everyone is as cruel as some of the people you’ve dealt with. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you.”

“You already have just by being here.”

“Come eat, fuckers!” called Euronymous as he pounded on the door. “You can go at it later!”

Making their way down to the kitchen, Hellhammer and Necro tried talking over plans for their next big show while they ate and as Euronymous remained silent; his focus solely on Vanessa unless his name was mentioned. The next show was set to take place in less than two weeks, giving them plenty of time to prepare some new material and rehearse some of their old songs.

“Where’s your girlfriend going to be staying?” questioned Necro.

Dead wrapped his arm around Vanessa’s shoulder. “Upstairs with me.”

“You can’t be serious, Dead,” snickered Euronymous. “There’s hardly enough money for the two of us let alone an extra person.”

Vanessa stared down at the table. “I could find a job. Whatever money I make can be used on the house and food.”

Necro nodded. “I think that’s a great idea. With Vanessa helping you guys out with food we can put a little more into equipment and whatnot.”

“She can’t stay here,” Euronymous snapped. 

Dead glared. “Why not? Either she stays or you won’t be getting any new songs from me.”

“Jesus, Dead, seriously? You  _ just _ brought this girl over for the first time and now you expect me to just let her stay?”

“I live here too, Euronymous, so I think I have a say in things. If she says she’ll help then give her a fucking chance.”

“I swear to fuck, Dead, if you start slacking on writing new lyrics I will toss her ass out.”

“Dude!” interrupted Hellhammer. “Chill the heck out. I don’t know why you’re acting so pissy right now but you need to lay off. It’s Dead’s house too and if he wants his girlfriend to stay with him then she can. What crawled up your ass since this morning?”

“Fuck off.”

“Whatever, man. Anyway, Dead, get started on some new lyrics and we’ll start practicing in a couple days. I should get going it’s getting kinda late. It was nice meeting you, Vanessa.”

“It was great meeting you too,” she replied as she gave him a small hug.

Necro followed behind Hellhammer, giving a wave goodbye as they walked out the door. The remaining three sat in awkward silence, the tension between Euronymous and Dead growing heavier by the second as Vanessa watched them stare the other down with bone chilling glares. Reaching under the table, Vanessa put her hand on Dead’s leg and gave a gentle squeeze. The vocalists gaze softened as he put his hand over hers, his eyes still focused on the guitarist in front of him.

Euronymous scoffed as he stood from his seat. “I’m not kidding, Dead. You want her to stay so bad then you better not slack off. And she better have a job pretty fucking soon.”

Dead remained silent, not wanting to argue further with the man. Euronymous gave one last glare before making his way into the living room and turning on the T.V. 

“Are you alright, Pelle?” her voice barely a whisper.

Dead shrugged. “I need to go for a walk. Go upstairs to the room and avoid Euronymous. I’ll be back.”

She started to object, to ask him to stay with her, but he was already making his way to the front door. She sat there for another minute or two before making her way to the staircase, past Euronymous. He watched her move quickly up the stairs to the bedroom, his mind questioning why she was with Dead. She seemed like a reasonably good person, pretty normal for the most part. So why Dead? He was a complete mess when it came to almost everything. He decided they wouldn’t last long; hoped that they didn’t so he could try with her. All he needed to do was give her a little nudge.

~

Dead took a shaky breath as he walked further and further from the house, his mind reeling with questions. So much was happening all at once it was hard to wrap his mind around almost any of it. He wasn’t sure why Euronymous had become so hostile towards him, wasn’t sure if he were trapped in some kind of dream right now with the way things were playing out. Sure he had wanted her to be real and to be with him, but now that she was it was as if something had changed in him. He didn’t know what the alien feeling was and it scared him to death. He was supposed to feel nothing but anger, nothing but hate. He was supposed to feel… dead.

Yet here he was trying to keep her with him and fighting with someone he considered a good friend about it. None of that was what he had hoped for. He wanted everyone to just get along and leave them alone. As much as he wanted to deny it, he wanted to be happy for a change. Yet, here he was out in the woods in the snow leaving Vanessa by herself. He felt a pang of guilt for that, but he needed some air. Dead hoped she would understand.

_Understand what?_ _you’re leaving her alone with _Euronymous_ of all people for fucks sake! _His thoughts grew louder with each step he took.The voice sounding angrier as it continued. _For all you know he could be trying to throw her out right now since you aren’t there. Or worse._

He stopped mid step at the thought of Euronymous doing anything to her. He had never known the guitarist to be one for violence or anything like that, he was mostly just all talk.

_ Is it worth the risk? _

“No,” he muttered to himself.

Turning back, Dead ran through the piling snow to get back to the house. It seemed further than it normally was, but maybe it was just because he was in a panic. Or had he really walked off so far?

_ She’s going to leave you… _

“Be quiet!” he snapped, trying to tune out the voice.

_ You know it’s true. Why would she stay with you? You’re a mess. _

“I’m not listening to this,” trying to sound stronger than he actually felt. 

Running faster, the house finally came into view. A small white car was now parked in the driveway and Euronymous was standing outside the door with what looked to be another girl. Dead couldn’t be sure, but the girl seemed somewhat familiar. Whoever she was, he was just glad Euronymous wasn’t with Vanessa.

“Dead!” Euronymous called as he walked closer to them. “You remember Ann right? She was at a couple of our shows and hung out with us for a bit.”

If he was being honest, he really didn’t remember her at all from their shows. “Yeah.”

Pushing past Euronymous, Dead made his way up the stairs to the bedroom where Vanessa sat against the wall on the mattress.

“That was a quick walk,” she laughed. “You alright, Pelle? You look a little pale.”

Dead paused, slightly confused. “How long was I gone?”

Vanessa looked down at her watch. “You’ve only been gone about fifteen minutes. Is everything okay?”

Sitting down beside her, Dead pulled her against him. “Everything is fine. Just had some bad thoughts while I was gone. Nothing to worry about.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I just had some really stupid thoughts. I was worried Euronymous might have done something to you while I was out.”

Putting her head against his shoulder Vanessa shook her head. “You’ve got nothing to worry about, Pelle. And if you need someone to tell your thoughts to, I’m always here for you.”

In that moment, Dead couldn’t think of anything to say to her. No one had ever really listened to his problems or ever really cared enough to ask what he was thinking about. Yet here she was, proving his mind wrong by just being kind to him. He could admit that he and his mind were a complete mess, that much was true. But he would fight off the thoughts as best he could if it meant having her here with him. He might be ready to die if fate decided it was his time, but he wasn’t going to die without one hell of a fight first.


	5. Chapter 5

Vanessa listened as Dead and Euronymous screamed at each other once again. Their fights had become constant and they couldn’t stand to be around each other even during practice for a show. The stress of it all had begun to finally catch up with Dead and was worrying Vanessa greatly. He had completely stopped talking to her, shutting her out completely. His walks through the woods lasted longer than usual and more and more cuts were appearing on his arms and legs despite his promise not to.

Their show was coming up in just a few days and Euronymous had begun accusing Dead of not working hard enough and not taking the band seriously anymore since she had shown up. Euronymous had become more hostile since he and his former girlfriend split up and Dead was getting tired of being the target of it all. The past week had been a complete mess with all of the fighting they were doing. The only positive was that Vanessa had finally gotten a small part-time job at the grocery store in town around where she and Dead first met. She had kept her end of the deal and always brought home fresh groceries for the house when she got off work, yet Euronymous still continued to complain about her being there.

Finally, the yelling stopped and the sound of stomping could be heard just before the front door slammed shut. She held her breath, letting out a sigh of relief when she heard the sound of the car engine. It was only Euronymous. She waited for the sound of Dead’s boots to come up the stairs like they almost always did after a fight, waited for him to push open the door and begin his rants about whatever the fight was about this time. After what felt like hours, she heard the familiar sound of his boots coming up the stairs. The door opened and was quickly slammed shut once again as the blond vocalist entered the room, his eyes dark with anger.

“What happened?” she began to question.

He remained silent as if ignoring her question.

“Pelle?” she pressed further. “Talk to me, please. What started it this time?”

His brow furrowed even harder into a menacing scowl. “It’s Dead.”

Vanessa could feel her heart beginning to sink to her stomach.

“Alright,  _ Dead _ , what happened?” she managed to say.

Dead scoffed. “Apparently I don’t spend as much time with Euronymous anymore because of you. He said I’ve gone soft and that it isn’t good for the band. That if things don’t change I’ll have to pick between you or the band.”

Her mouth fell open, heart sinking to the pit of her stomach. “Pelle…”

“I said my name is Dead!” he hollard.

Vanessa jumped, her back now pressed against the wall. He had never once raised his voice to her.

Reaching out she took hold of his hand. “Pelle, I’m just trying to see what you’re thinking. Just let me in and talk to me; let me know what’s going on inside your head.”

“Don’t  _ ever _ try and get inside my head,” he snarled as he slammed her against the wall.

Her eyes widened in fear as she struggled against his grip to get her wrists free. For several moments they stayed there, tears falling from her eyes onto the floor beneath them. Finally, his eyes softened as he realized what he was doing. Falling to his knees he began to sob, holding onto her pants leg as he did.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried. “Please forgive me, Ness. I would never do anything to hurt you. I’m angry at him but I could never be angry with you.”

Vanessa shook her head and glared at the door, angry that Euronymous was stressing him out so badly. Moving down to her knees, she wrapped her arms lovingly around the blond man’s shoulders and pulled him close to her, running her fingers through his hair as she tried to calm him down.

“It’s alright, baby,” she cooed. “You have nothing to be sorry for. This fighting has gotten out of hand and the only person to blame is Euronymous.”

Dead shook his head. “I promised I’d never hurt you. I swore the only thing I would do is protect you, now look at what I’ve done! I wouldn’t blame you for leaving me.”

“Pelle, enough talking nonsense,” she smiled. “I could never leave you after everything we’ve been through. You’re too important to me.”

Putting a hand on her cheek, Dead pulled her into a soft kiss. “I love you,” he whispered.

Vanessa paused. Very rarely did Dead ever cry, but he had never once used that word with her; or anyone else for that matter. He had other ways of showing her that he loved her, and that had always been more than she could have ever asked for, but hearing him finally say it had her heart racing.

“I love you too, Pelle,” she said. 

“Screw it,” he snapped. “Euronymous and Mayhem can kiss my ass. I’m not about to throw away the only happiness I’ve had in a long time. I’ll find a new band if I have to or just go to art school like my father has been trying to get me to do.”

Vanessa shook her head. “You love Mayhem though. You guys need to have a meeting about this whole thing and get it sorted out. Euronymous may have had the idea to start the band but there’s no way the other's would let him get rid of the best vocalist they’ll ever have. Go and call Hellhammer and Necro and explain to them what’s going on.”

Dead nodded reluctantly. “You’re right. I’ll go call them now and see when they can come over. I want you to be there with us. Necro and Hellhammer love you and they wouldn’t let Euronymous say anything to you.”

“Alright, Pelle.”

Pulling her into his chest, Dead placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. “I’m sorry I got angry at you. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. Please forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” she replied. “I completely understand why you were so upset. Euronymous needs to get over himself and stop picking fights with you every damn day.”

Placing a quick kiss on her lips, Dead headed over to the phone that sat on his desk. The call lasted around five minutes between both Necro and Hellhammer, but both of them seemed to agree that Euronymous’s attitude had gotten out of hand. The two arranged to be at the house in the morning. Dead was relieved that they weren’t coming today. He wasn’t sure if he could handle Euronymous right now. Vanessa stood behind him, her hands running up his bare back as she began to rub his shoulders. Sinking into the chair, Dead let out a soft groan as her fingers worked away the knots in his shoulders and back. Vanessa couldn’t help but blush at the sounds he made as she continued to massage the Swede. 

Reaching behind him, Dead took hold of one of her hands, bringing each finger to his lips and giving each one a light kiss. Moving to the side to face him, Vanessa ran her hand down his cheek to his chin holding him gently in her hand. He looked up at her with a deep longing, one he didn’t know how to act on. He wanted to feel her against him completely… to hear his name leave her lips as he made love to her.

_ What am I thinking? _ His mind snapped.  _ We’ve only been together a week and a half. _

Yet as he continued to look at her, the passage of time meant nothing to him. Even if he just held her as they both laid exposed it would be enough for him to just feel her as close as possible to him. He wasn’t a fan of people, there were very few things that he could say he liked, but he had always been sure of one thing; if he were to give himself to her, he would never be the same person again. To him, it was as if he were giving his damned soul to an angel in the hopes of gaining hers as well. He wanted her to belong to him and him alone.

“Are you alright, Pelle?” she cooed as her other hand ran through his hair.

“Yes,” he breathed out. His voice trembling at her touch.

Pulling her down onto his lap, the two stared at each other for a moment, waiting for one of them to make the first move as to what they should do next. His heart was pounding as each second passed between them until it had become too much to handle. He lifted his hand, putting it on the back of her neck and pulling her into a slow, deep kiss. Vanessa could feel the difference in the way he kissed her. He wasn’t afraid, shy, or anything like that. For once, he seemed confident in his actions. He took the lead, his lips in sync with hers as the kiss deepened, dragging his tongue across the bottom of her lip before pushing through the space and invading her mouth with his tongue.

Trying to hide her surprise, Vanessa did her best to match his excitement as her own grew stronger. Her fingers found their way into his hair, tangling themselves in the long blond locks as he picked her up and moved to the mattress, his lips never leaving hers for a moment.

“Pelle,” she moaned as he kissed down to her neck.

Dead felt the heat rise to his face as his name left her; he wanted to hear it again. Biting down against her neck, Vanessa cried out once again.

“Pelle, are you sure about this?” her words so quiet he hardly heard her.

Kissing her softly once again, he answered. “I want to be happy with you. I want you to be happy with me more importantly. I… I want to show you that I’m yours completely ...to give you every part of me.”

Vanessa stroked his cheek softly. “Pelle, you don’t need to rush into anything like that before you’re ready. It’s okay if you want to wait to do that, it doesn’t mean I love you any less or that you love me any less. Okay?”

Dead felt a moment of relief. It wasn’t as if he wasn’t ready to take the next step with her, but somehow, the fact that she would wait until  _ he _ was ready to do it made him feel...important. Sure he would be asked his opinion on things when it came to matters of the band, but Euronymous always had the last word when it came to all that so it wasn’t something he even bothered with anymore. If he was being completely honest, it only made him more sure of what he was doing.

Struggling to find his voice again, he nuzzled into her neck. “Would it be alright if...if we...um, cuddled with...without clothes?”

_ You’re an idiot, _ the voice rang out.  _ Of all the things to come up with you had to go with  _ that? _ Maybe Euronymous is right. You’re weak. Pathetic…  _

“Of course we can, Pelle,” she smiled as she kissed his nose. 

Forcing himself to return the smile, he was silently thanking her for stopping his thoughts from getting any worse. Pulling him up with her, she rested her hands on his shoulders as his own found their way to her small waist. Tugging ever so slightly on the hem of her shirt, he looked to her to give him some sort of sign to continue. The heavy red color on her cheeks becoming more apparent as she nodded in approval. With a few quick motions, both of them were completely exposed to the other.

He gazed in awe as he took in the sight of her naked body for the first time. He had never done this before...had never been completely vulnerable before. For the first time in his life, his walls had come down completely. He was scared and they both knew it. Doubts raced through his mind as he watched her eyes travel across his scarred body, her slender fingers tracing over the scars and cuts he desperately tried to hide from her. He could never really wrap his mind around the fact that she truly loved and wanted to be with him; but it wasn’t something he was about to question or argue with.

“Pelle,” she whispered, lips parted slightly as her vibrant green eyes locked with his pale blue ones. She ran her fingers through his long blond hair taking care not to undo the small braid she had put in his hair that he so carefully protected now.

Moving his hand up to caress her cheek, he ran his thumb over the lush, full lips he longed to kiss for the rest of his mortal life. Dead leaned in slowly, causing her to shudder at the feel of his warm breath against her skin as their noses brushed together just before he pressed his lips against her in a delicate, yet passionate kiss. Much to her dismay, he pulled away all too quickly and began to leave a trail of kisses across her neck and shoulders. The warmth of his breath against her driving her over the edge as her body pressed against his trying to get as close to her lover as she possibly could.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he mumbled as he continued to kiss his way up to her ear.

“Yes,” she moaned out. “I wouldn’t want this with anyone but you, Pelle.”

That was all he needed to hear to continue. His hand ran down her side to her thigh, gripping her a little more roughly as he began to kiss down her chest to her stomach. Instinct now taking over him. Vanessa gasped at the sudden contact, her hands automatically tangling themselves in his blond hair. Dead smirked, proud of himself for being able to make her feel this way with him. He lifted her leg over his shoulder, his lips just inches away from tasting her. He looked up, her eyes were glazed over as she watched him, her breathing now almost heavy and uneven. 

He lingered for a moment and released a deep breath against her, causing her to shiver once again, before finally pressing his lips against her. Vanessa cried out at the sudden contact, her fingers pulling at Dead’s hair slightly harder than before causing him to let out a deep groan. The feeling of her pulling at his hair only encouraged him to keep going, this time a little rougher and faster. Her cries rang through his ears and echoed throughout the bedroom as he inserted two of his fingers slowly inside her. It was almost painful for him to restrain from taking her then and there as he watched her grip the sheets. He wanted to hear her call out his name again...to hear her cry out just for him and only him.

Curling his fingers upwards while continuing to lick and suck on her, she cried out louder coaxing him to move his fingers faster until he could feel her about to release. Pulling his fingers out she let out a small groan of disapproval, practically begging for him to touch her once again. 

“Pelle,” she whimpered, her finger gripping his arms tightly. 

He groaned, making his way back up to kiss her lips more roughly this time. The sound of her calling out his name was almost enough to make him go over the edge. For once, he felt truly happy in this cruel world; he was finally about to give himself completely to the only woman he had ever loved.

“Lay on your back for me,” she whispered into his ear.

His curiosity peaked, wondering what his lover was planning now. Keeping his eyes locked on hers, Dead lied down on his back and waited. Vanessa smiled down at him before placing a gentle kiss on his soft lips. 

“I want you to tell me if you want me to stop, ok?” It wasn’t intended to be a question.

Dead nodded, his mouth slightly agape. “Only if you promise the same to me.”

Childishly, he held up his pinky in front of her which she gladly took hold of with her own. It wasn’t uncommon for Dead to act this way whenever he made her promise anything; his childishness was one of many things she loved about the blond Swede. It was a side of him he had only ever let her see. Around anyone else, Euronymous especially, he would completely shut down and only talked when he was asked a question or felt as though something needed to be said. It wasn’t that he didn’t like the other members of the band, but past experiences had left him unsure of who to trust; and since Vanessa was the only one who ever stood up for him he had no trouble trusting her. 

Vanessa turned her attention back to the man beneath her, his eyes searching for an answer as to what she was about to do. She couldn’t help but smile up at him, his innocence was something so rare she almost had difficulty believing that he had never experienced a gentle touch before...a thought that made her heart swell with sadness. 

Her hand danced across his thigh, touching each scar and each fresh cut, with care; each one deeper than the last. She pressed her lips against his leg, watching him as she did so.

“Please,” she begged. “Don’t hurt yourself anymore. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.”

“Euronymous won’t like it,” he responded. “But if it means so much to you then I won’t do it again.”

“Thank you, Pelle.”

Without saying another word she began to pleasure him as he had done with her. His head flew back against the pillow as a new sense of intoxication washing over every muscle in his body. Never before had he felt anything so wonderful; never dreamed of anything like this. Euronymous had told him stories from when he had slept with women, describing the pleasure that came from it. He had never been one to think much for sex or any real physical actions besides the occasional kiss or holding hands, now it was as though his eyes had been opened.

His hands gripped the sheets in a tight fist as Vanessa continued to pleasure him, the occasional growl leaving his lips. He tried his best to remain silent, but his efforts were in vain. Everything around him seemed to be spinning out of control like a bad acid trip. His mind became silent for the first time in years.

Pulling her back up, Dead pressed his lips roughly against hers in a heated kiss. “I don’t think I can hold on much longer.”

Gently setting her down on her back, Dead positioned himself between her legs, lifting one just above his hip while his other hand held hers tightly as he slowly pushed into her. Neither of them could contain the loud cries that escaped them as he entered her. Once fully sheathed Dead remained still, his head resting on Vanessa’s, both of their eyes shut tight. The feeling of her alone had him weak; it was as if his senses had been heightened and all he could feel was pure euphoria. The voices in his head remained silent for once, allowing him to enjoy every sound she made. It wasn’t long before he could feel his own release, and when he heard his name being cried out from her lips, he was completely gone.

Falling down beside her, he quickly pulled her into his arms. Both of them breathing heavily as they came down from their high. Her hand ran up his chest, playing with a small strand of his hair as she smiled up at the blond man beside her. In that moment, nothing mattered to either of them. Not the shows, the band, or even Euronymous. At that moment, all that mattered as that they were together.

For the moment...Dead felt alive.


	6. Chapter 6

“Euronymous, all we’re saying is that you need to stop being such a control freak,” snapped Hellhammer.

What they thought would be a simple meeting followed by rehearsal had turned out to be an ongoing four hour fight. Vanessa leaned her head against the palm of her hand watching Dead reach for another beer.

“I’m not a damn control freak,” Euronymous argued. “If people would do their fucking jobs instead of going off with their damn girlfriend we wouldn’t have this problem! Or do you fuckers not take this band seriously anymore?”

Hellhammer glared. “You need to lay off her, Euronymous. She’s been the best thing to ever happen to Dead and you know it. For fucks sake he has actually started eating and doesn’t cut to the point of almost killing himself! You should be fucking happy for him.”

“What about the fans? They come out to see the most brutal show we can give them and right now that isn’t happening. So either we need to figure something the hell out and get back on track or she needs to fucking go!”

Dead slammed the beer bottle down on the table, silencing the room. “If you send her away, Euronymous, then you best start looking for a new vocalist. I’ll take her and go back to Sweden.”

“You can’t leave, Pelle,” started Necro. “You’re one of the best vocalists we have. Granted the shows haven’t been as bloody as before, but we can figure something out.”

Hellhammer nodded in agreement. “What about using fake blood and maybe going back to pigs heads? If we use the fake blood all we would really need to do is change up the lighting and work from there. It wouldn’t be totally impossible.”

Vanessa smiled. “I know a few people from work who deal with fake blood and special effects makeup, I’m sure they would be willing to help out.”

“Seriously?” yelled Euronymous. “You seriously think that bullshit is gonna fly?”

Vanessa rolled her eyes in annoyance. “At least give it a chance, Euronymous, it’s not the worst idea.”

Reaching his arm across the table, he smacked the side of Vanessa’s head. “Was I fucking talking to you?”

Knocking his chair over, Dead grabbed Euronymous by his jacket. “I dare you to lay a finger on her again. If you have a problem with me then I suggest you take it up with me and leave her out of it. I have no issue with beating the ever living shit out of you if you _ ever _ touch her again.”

Hellhammer patted Dead’s shoulder. “Good for you, Pelle. Now, let him go and let's wrap this clusterfuck up because I’m starting to get hungry. Ness, go ahead and give your effects people a call and tell them we’re interested. As for you, Euronymous, you best get used to the idea that she’s not going anywhere; because if we lose the best vocalist we have I will personally beat your scrawny ass.”

Euronymous rolled his eyes, grumbling in response as Dead let him go. “Screw you guys I’m going out.”

“We still need to practice for the show, man,” argued Necro. “We play in a week so don’t be screwing around.”

“I’ll be back once I’ve cooled off. As for you guys, do whatever you want. I don’t give a shit if she stays or not, but if she’s gonna be here then more songs need to be worked on instead of slacking off.”

“He is such a drama queen,” snickered Hellhammer. “Come on, guys, I’ll make us all some lunch. Pelle, any special requests?”

Dead shrugged. “I’m good with whatever you decide. I’m going outside for a little walk, I’ll be back soon.”

Vanessa placed a soft kiss on his lips before he made his way out the door, leaving her with Necro and Hellhammer.

Necro crossed his arms. “You sure do love him, huh?”

Vanessa sighed happily. “Yeah, I do.”

Hellhammer sighed as he began making some steaks that were in the fridge. “You know why Euronymous is such a jerk to you, right?”

“I always figured it was because he was just an asshole.”

Necro shook his head. “It’s because he’s jealous that you’re with Pelle and not him. He’s told us on more than one occasion how he wishes you were with him instead.”

Vanessa scoffed. “He can keep dreaming. There’s no way in hell I would ever leave Pelle for him. After all of the nasty things he’s tried putting into Pelle’s head, no way.”

“That’s what we’ve tried telling him,” continued Hellhammer. “Don’t let Pelle know that I told you this, but, there was one night when you were upstairs asleep and Pelle was down here with us that he mentioned wanting to ask you to marry him at some point. He didn’t really go into any details, just that he wanted to wait so it would be perfect and you wouldn’t feel rushed. After he said that Euronymous about ripped into him.. I think that’s why they’ve been arguing so much honestly. Again, don’t tell Pelle or Euronymous that you heard any of this. Deal?”

“Tell them about what?” joked Vanessa as she helped set the table.

Hellhammer smirked. “Exactly. Now, I do have one question for you though, Ness. Is Melanie seeing anyone?”

Vanessa couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Last I knew she was still very much single and waiting for a certain drummer to finally ask her on a date.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have her number lying around would you?”

“I actually needed to call her after we ate anyway. She’s one of the people I mentioned that can do special effects makeup and all that. I’m sure once I give her a call you’ll be seeing her soon. If you think you can wait that long.”

“I’ve waited this long haven’t I? Ness, you mind putting on some of those potatoes while these cook? Figured we could go all out for a change. I’m gonna run to the store and pick a couple things up but the steaks probably won’t be ready before then. Do you need anything?”

Vanessa thought for a moment. “Do you think you could pick up some chocolate milk for me? Pelle really likes it but he hasn’t had it in a while. I’ll pay you back for it.”

Hellhammer waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it, Ness. I’ll be back in ten alright? Necro, make sure Euronymous doesn’t start any crap if he comes back before me or Pelle.”

Necro held up his thumb. “I think I’ve got it under control.”

It was silent for a moment before Vanessa broke the silence. “Hey, Necro, is what Jan said about Euronymous true?”

“Unfortunately. I’m not sure what exactly started the whole thing, but it happened around the time things kinda went south with that other girl he was into. Can’t remember her name to save my damn life.”

Vanessa pondered it for a moment, trying to recall the name of the girl Necro was referring to. She had met the girl on two occasions but the name seemed meaningless. Shrugging it off she flipped over the steaks carefully just as the front door opened once again.

“Where’s Pelle?” questioned Euronymous. 

Vanessa rolled her eyes as she put seasoning on the mashed potatoes next. “He went for a walk. Why?”

“Because this whole fight got a bit out of control today. I want to apologize to everyone for how I behaved. I’m especially sorry to you, Ness, I should have never hit you like that.”

Necro eyed him carefully, sensing something off in Euronymous’s voice. 

Vanessa sighed, putting down her spoon. “Look, I can’t say that I completely forgive you for that, but just don’t do it again.”

Stepping closer to her, Euronymous ran a finger across her cheek. “I swear I won’t ever harm you again, Ness.”

“Euronymous,” warned Necro. “You need to back up now.”

Whether he hadn’t heard him, or if he was just simply ignoring the other man's warning, Euronymous continued to stroke her cheek while backing her into the corner. Her eyes widened, watching behind Euronymous as Necro stood from his chair and put a hand on Euronymous’ shoulder.

“Ness,” whispered the guitarist. “You should have been mine. He doesn’t deserve you.”

“He’s your friend,” she argued. “How could you say something like that about your own friend?”

“Euronymous,” snapped Necro. “Back the hell up or I’m gonna put you on the floor. She doesn’t want you and you need to respect that.”

Euronymous shook his head. “You’re the only woman I could possibly want and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you mine. Pelle doesn’t deserve you. I mean, wouldn’t you want someone who isn’t ready to end it all at the drop of a hat?”

Spitting in his eye, Vanessa managed to shove him away from her. “Don’t you dare talk about him that way Aarseth. Now back the fuck away from me.”

He opened his mouth to argue but stopped when he felt Necro’s hand clamp down on his shoulder just as the front door opened one last time revealing Hallhammer and Dead.

“Everything alright?” questioned Hellhammer.

Dead smiled at Vanessa as he crossed the room to take her into his arms. “I found another river while I was walking.”

Vanessa pushed her anger aside to smile up at the Swede. “You found another river? That’s great, Pelle. Maybe one day I can go see it with you.”

Kissing her gently he nodded. “I’d love to show it to you. Is the food ready? I’m starving.”

“Looks like it’s just about done. Good job, Ness,” praised Hellhammer. “Oh, and here’s your special request.”

Pulling out the small container of chocolate milk, Vanessa watched as Dead’s eyes lit up with excitement.

“Is that chocolate milk?” he asked excitedly.

“You mentioned something about it a few nights ago so I asked Jan to pick some up for you.”

As Dead excitedly grabbed a glass of chocolate milk, Vanessa began to wonder how she was going to deal with Euronymous. She didn’t want to bring it up to Dead in fear of him quitting the band he loved so much...but if he found out she hadn’t been honest with him it would completely shatter his trust in her. Taking her seat next to Dead, she tried her best to eat and laugh with the other's, hoping Dead wouldn’t pick up on her current mood.

“I’m going to go give Melanie a call now and see when she can come over to talk about the make up,” announced Vanessa as she put her plate in the sink. 

“Hurry back to me,” Dead whispered as he came up behind her.

“I’ll always come back to you, my little devil.”

Walking out of the room, Vanessa let out a small giggle as she heard Necro and Hellhammer pretend they were about to throw up. Making her way into the bedroom she quickly picked up the phone and dialed Melanie’s number.

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Mel, do you think you would be able to come over to the house at some point? The guys are looking to use some of the fake blood in their shows instead of having Pelle hurt himself.”

“Let me check my book really quick and make sure I don’t have anything else today. Let's see, I should be free after three o’ clock once I’m done fixing up Mrs. Miller’s hair.”

“Perfect! I’ll tell the guys you’re coming.”

“Sounds like a plan, Ness. I gotta run though, my next appointment is here. See you soon!”

“See you soon, Mel.”

Melanie had become her closest friend since she had come here. If it wasn’t for Melanie, Vanessa wouldn’t have gotten a job at the grocery store. The two quickly became fast friends along with Melanie’s friend, and Vanessa’s other coworker, Natasha. The three of them bonded as if they had been friends their whole lives. The three of them had even planned to go out to one of the local night clubs that weekend. Vanessa had been trying to convince Dead to go along with them and meet her new friends, but he had become more afraid of Euronymous yelling at him for not writing enough songs. Making her way back down stairs, she could hear what sounded like a heavily heated argument.

~

“Pelle, you can’t be serious,” Euronymous grumbled.

“What’s the big deal?” snapped Dead. “If I want to ask her I will.. Why do you have such an issue with this?”

“Because I fucking love her!”

The room was silent. Vanessa stopped dead in her tracks inside the kitchen doorway, watching the scene play out before her. Dead couldn’t decide if he was angry, confused, hurt, or a combination of the three.

“You... you love my girlfriend?” the words left his lips slowly as if still trying to process it all.

Euronymous turned to look at Vanessa. “I’ve loved her since you brought her here.”

Dead walked over to Vanessa, his expression full of worry and doubt. “You know I love you, right?”

Vanessa took his hands in hers. “Of course, Pelle.”

“I want you to be happy in this life and the next. I know I’m a complete fucking mess with more problems than I can count, but, you’ve been my light. If you hadn’t been there for me we wouldn’t be having this conversation. If you decide you want something more in your life, I won’t try to stop you. If you do stay, I promise I’ll give you everything I possibly can in my cold, dead heart.”

Vanessa stood speechless. Dead had never been one for expressing how he felt or even at saying how he really felt if it was something emotional. For this to all come out was the first time anyone had ever really heard him speak with so much passion.

“Pelle,” she whispered. “You are all I ever wanted. I don’t want anyone else besides you.”

Pressing his head against hers, whispering low enough so only she could hear. “Run away with me then. Run away and marry me.”

Pulling his arm, she dragged him into the living room and away from the kitchen; the other three arguing once they had gone.

“Pelle,” she whispered excitedly. “Do you have any idea what you’re asking right now?”

His expression became serious, his brows furrowing. “I wanted to ask you to marry me properly, but I don’t know when I’ll be able to get you the ring you deserve. I don’t want you to be Vanessa Marie Stevens anymore; I want you to be Vanessa Marie Ohlin. We don’t have to do this if you really don’t want to.”

“When do you want to do this?”

“We’ll talk over the details later. For now, please stay close to me.”

Walking their way back into the kitchen, Euronymous glared at them.

“So,” started Hellhammer. “Now that all of that bullshit is out of the way, why don’t we start cleaning up a bit before Melanie gets here.”

Euronymous scoffed. “What’s the point? It’s not like she doesn’t know a bunch of guys live here.”

“Just because a bunch of guys live here doesn’t mean the place can’t get picked up when company comes over. Now get your ass in gear and start cleaning up the living room. Pelle, you and Vanessa clean up the bedrooms while Necro and I clean the kitchen and bathrooms.”

Euronymous pushed past Dead on his way to the living room trash bags in hand as he began picking up empty Cola and beer bottles. Vanessa began making her way up the stairs, Dead following behind her.

“I can’t believe you would do this to me, Øystein,” Dead growled, annoyance lacing his tone. “You’ve done some pretty shitty things to me before but this? This is a new low even for you.”

Euronymous tossed his arms up. “What the hell do you want me to say, Dead? I’m not sorry for how I feel, I can tell you that right now. You were so ready to end it all before. You didn’t care about cutting yourself to make the shows more dark, but now you don’t even act like the same person. You got soft! You don’t deserve someone like her.”

Dead moved closer, clenching his fists. “I’ve been alone my whole life. There was only ever my brother. There was never any real light until I met her. I will not let you take her away from me.”

“I can sure as hell try.”

Deciding it would be best not to fight anymore with him, Dead walked up the stairs, his mind focused on running away with Vanessa. He had discussed proposing to her with the other's before, but eloping with her had come to mind during the argument with Euronymous; he wasn’t about to wait another moment. They would need someone there to be a witness for it, however, and there was only one person that Dead trusted enough to do it. 

“Are you alright, Pelle?” questioned Vanessa as he walked into the room.

Dead groaned. “I’m just irritated at Euronymous at the moment. I need to ask you something, though.”

“What’s up?”

“Well, if we’re going to do this, we’re going to need someone to be a witness.”

“Did you want one of the guys to do it? Or was there someone else you had in mind?”

“Would it be alright if I asked Anders to be there with us? He’s the only person I trust to not tell Euronymous about this.”

“Of course, Pelle. Why don’t you give him a call and try and work out the details while I finish cleaning up the rooms, ok? I’ll have to wash the sheets and everything too. Just so I’m prepared, do you have any dead animals in the room?”

Dead laughed, shaking his head. “I know the smell bothers you so I made sure to get rid of everything while you were at work. As far as I can remember I think I got everything. If you find something dead that isn’t in a bag then it’s not mine and just happened to die here.”

Vanessa laughed along with him, wrapping her arms around his neck as his hands rested on her hips. They swayed slowly at first, the music playing on the radio downstairs loud enough for them to hear. Taking hold of her hand, he spun her in a circle before pulling her back to him and dipping her down slowly. Vanessa could help but grin; very rarely would Dead ever dance with her. Time slowed and seemed to stop altogether as they continued to dance around the room, their eyes never leaving each other. He wanted time to stay frozen, for there to be no more stress or fighting. More than anything, he just wanted to be alone with her.

“What are you thinking about?” she questioned, her hand now resting against his cheek.

He shook his head, laughing softly. “That maybe leaving the band for a while might not be such a bad idea.”

Standing upright, Vanessa looked at him in shock. “Pelle, why would you start thinking like that? You guys are about to be touring again soon.”

“I know, but, I just want to be able to breathe without worrying about Euronymous trying something with you when I’m not around. I can’t stand what he’s becoming lately and it’s literally making me sick.”

“Pelle, you can’t walk away now. I know it’s hard to deal with now, but what would you do if while you were gone they replaced you? You’d be heartbroken. Your dream was always to make music and now you’re living your dream. Everything will get better soon, you just need to give it some time.”

“I don’t know. I’ll need to think on it a bit more, but at the moment I really just want to be away from Euronymous.”

“We’ll figure something out, Pelle, don’t worry so much.”

He wanted to argue further, to go downstairs and slam Euonymous’s face into the wall until he was either unconscious or dead. The anger was building up inside him slowly, he could feel it in the pit of his stomach. Something big was about to go down and he would be ready for whatever it was that came his way. Looking at Vanessa, her eyes fixed on his, he tried to steady himself to keep from lashing out on her.

“I need to go for a walk,” he finally managed to say. 

Vanessa nodded. “Don’t go too far, Pelle. I love you.”

Dead forced a smile before walking out of the room, leaving her alone to finish the cleaning. 

Taking the sheets off the bed, Vanessa made her way downstairs to throw them into the washing machine. She could hear Necro fighting with Euronymous, telling him he was nothing but an idiot for doing what he had done and that he wasn’t acting like the leader he made himself out to be. Needless to say, Euronymous didn’t like hearing that at all.

“Why am I suddenly the bad guy?!” he hollered.

“Dude, you  _ are _ the bad guy,” snapped Hellhammer. “You somehow think that hitting Dead’s girlfriend, then trying to make a move on her in front of him is seriously your best idea? I’m surprised he didn’t beat your ass then and there cause I sure would have. I might not live here with you guys but I’m getting sick of the way you treat Pelle. He hasn’t done anything to you and up until recently anytime you came around he went to his room to hide and that isn’t right. You might consider yourself the ‘leader,’ but a real leader wouldn’t treat someone they  _ know _ has issues the way you do.”

“So now because he goes to his room, it's because of me? Fuck, is there anything else that just so happens to be  _ my _ fault?”

“You’re like talking to a brick wall. I’m not wasting my breath anymore. One day you’re gonna get what’s coming to you.”

“We have a show in a week and he hasn’t given us any new lyrics to work with! All his time is spent with  _ her _ !”

“And you were just all over her,” interrupted Necro. “So don’t go playing that card when you would probably be doing the same thing if you had a girlfriend.”

“My main focus is the band and getting shit done right now. He’s not helping anything by slacking off like this. At this fucking rate we aren’t gonna be getting anywhere.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“Oh fuck this!”

The front door slammed shut, Euronymous leaving to cool off once again. Sure, he could admit that he wanted Vanessa like no other, but his main focus was always the band. He hated the sudden change in Dead’s mood, even his stage presence was different. He used to radiate hatred and anger, but now it just seemed as though he was simply going through the motions of being a vocalist. Sure he still sounded the same during their practice sessions, but she was always there with them and when they took a break she was right back in his arms praising him as if he were a child that finally learned to wipe their own ass.

He hated it. He was supposed to be the leader everyone listened to. They were supposed to respect him, supposed to fear him. Even before she came Necro had started being more vocal about how he treated Dead as well as how he handled the bands money. Eventually Necro made Euronymous hand over anything to do with the finances of the band. And sure, he wasn’t the best person to Dead, but he didn’t seem to care one way or the other if someone held a gun to his head. It was like he was begging someone to pull the trigger for him.

_ Maybe that could be arranged. _ Euronymous smirked at the thought. With Dead out of the way they could find someone to replace him and he might just have a chance with Vanessa. No. He knew it wouldn’t work that way. As far up his ass as she was, she would probably follow him to the grave if given the option.

“Euronymous?” called a soft female voice.

Turning, he saw Vanessa’s friend Melanie. “Hey, Melanie. How are you?”

Melanie smiled politely. “I can’t complain. Are you alright? I was about to head in to get started on makeup trials.”

“Oh, yea, I’m fine. I just need some air. You can head on inside I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay! Have a nice walk.”

Eurnoymous let out a low growl as the woman walked past him to the house. 

_ Great. Now Hellhammer is gonna be acting like a lovesick idiot. _

Walking towards town, Euronymous tried his best to forget about Dead and the rest of them. He didn’t want to care about any of them, didn’t want to focus on anything except doing the show and doing it right. As he stormed down the road, not paying attention to his surroundings, he collided with someone.

“Ah, shit,” he muttered. “I’m sorry about that, man, I wasn’t really paying attention.”

The man in front of him smiled, his long dark hair falling slightly in his eyes. “No problem. Hey, you’re the guitarist of Mayhem aren’t you?”

Euronymous grinned proudly. “That’s right. You a fan or something?”

“Yes, actually. I’m looking forward to your next show.”

“I hope to see you there. Maybe we can all have a beer or something. What’s your name?”

The two shook hands as the man responded, “My name is Varg.”

Parting ways, Euronymous decided to walk back home.

_ At least he seemed like a chill guy. _ Euronymous thought to himself.  _ Maybe he could be Dead’s replacement or something. _


	7. Chapter 7

Vanessa smiled as she danced around the bedroom, pulling out the perfect outfit to wear for her night out. Glancing behind her she smiled at her boyfriend as he listened to his music and wrote down some new song lyrics. She had begged Dead to go out with her and her friends, but the vocalist claimed he was behind on new material and needed a bit of alone time to work on it before Euronymous threw another fit. Almost as if sensing her gaze, Dead looked up from his papers and grinned back at her. Her heart raced at the sight; his smile was one of many things she loved most about him. Rarely would he ever really smile around the other guys, but when he did, it was as if he were lighting up the room.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna go with me, Pelle?” she pressed once again.

Dead shook his head. “If I don’t come up with something new Euronymous is going to kill me. Besides, club type parties aren’t really my thing. I’m sure your friends would like to spend some one-on-one time with you anyway. We can walk to the river when you come home or even through the cemetery again if you want.”

“I’d like that a lot, Pelle.”

Turning his attention back to his papers, Vanessa began to get dressed. Unlike most of her friends, Vanessa’s outfit wasn’t too revealing or even provocative. She preferred to keep it simple with her camouflage cargo pants and simple black crop top and her combat boots to complete the look. Her makeup, on the other hand, was always over the top and had become heavily inspired by Dead’s corpse paint. Once she had finished putting her makeup on and straightened out her hair she turned and looked at Dead once again.

“You look beautiful,” he praised as he stood from his desk, pulling her into his arms. “Do you really have to leave me here all by myself?”

Vanessa could feel the heat rise to her cheeks as he pressed his lips against her neck. “I’ll be back as fast as I can, Pelle, I promise. You still could sneak away for a while with me and come have some fun.”

Smirking, he bit down lightly causing her to groan. “Perhaps I’ll join you next time. I promise I’ll be here waiting for you to come back.”

Just as she was about to press further, the sound of a car horn captured their attention. 

Dead motioned towards the door. “I think your friends are here to steal you.”

“I’ll be back soon, Pelle, I promise. I love you,” she said before kissing him once more.

“I love you too. Be safe, my little demon.”

Dead sighed as she walked out the door to her friend's car, his heart feeling heavy once again. He wanted so badly to go with her and have a good time with her, but Euronymous had made it clear that he wasn’t liking the fact that Dead hadn’t produced a new song in the last few days. He looked down at the papers, a few more lines and he could probably call it a night and focus on spending the night in the graveyard with Vanessa. Leaning back against the wall, he grabbed his pen and continued to write.

Vanessa tried her best to keep up the fake smile while she danced with her friends, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching her.

“Cheer up, Nessa!” yelled her closest friend Melanie. “I’m sure you and Pelle will have some fun once you’re home!”

“Yeah!” encouraged Natasha. “It’s not very often we get to see you outside of work anymore! You’re always cooped up in the house!”

“Speaking of seeing you, I think you have an admirer,” laughed Melanie as she nodded towards a man not too far from them.

Vanessa’s smile fell as the man's gaze intensified, turning into an almost menacing smirk. Turning back to face Melanie and Natasha, they had disappeared with two men of their own. The panic started to rise as the man approached her, the smirk never once leaving his lips. He was almost slightly smaller than Dead, but definitely had a bit more muscle in his arms with short matted down black hair that made his appearance all the more unsettling. Trying to be discreet, Vanessa slowly made her way to the back of the club to find the telephone. 

“Where you think you’re going, baby?” the man called as he wrapped his hand around her arm.

Vanessa pulled her arm away, glaring at the man. “Don’t touch me,” she growled.

Pulling her back to him, his face became darker, yet the smirk remained. “Why do you women have to be so difficult? I’m a nice guy, come and dance with me for a while.”

“I’m not interested,” she snapped again, trying to pull away. “Now let me go.”

“Look, you don’t need to be so stuck up. Now, why don’t we head to the back and have a private dance?”

As hard as she tried to get away from the man, his grip tightened around her arm as he pulled her closer to the back of the building. Looking behind her, she managed to lock eyes with Melanie, hoping that her friend would pick up on what was happening. 

Melanie’s smile instantly fell as she watched Vanessa get dragged away by the strange man. Despite the fact that she wasn’t overly fond of Vanessa’s relationship with Dead, she knew that she loved him and wouldn’t be going around with other men. Looking next to her, she pulled Natasha aside.

“What’s the big deal?” yelled Natasha, clearly annoyed her dance had been interrupted.

Melanie pointed towards the back. “Ness just got taken to the back by some creeper!”

Natasha’s annoyed expression was instantly wiped away, replaced by panic. “What do we do?”

“We need to call Pelle! If we even try and get security involved they’ll just laugh it off as some drunken hookup!”

Nodding in agreement, Natasha followed Melanie to the bar.

“What can I get you?” asked the bartender.

“We need to use your phone, our friend is in trouble!” explained Melanie. “Please, I know we aren’t allowed to use it but it’s an emergency!”

The woman thought for a moment before reaching down and putting the phone on the counter. “Call whoever you need but don’t take too long. If my boss finds out I’ll be in deep shit.”

“Thank you so much!”

Dead leaned back against the wall, finally done with his latest lyrics. He had written three new songs, which meant he could finally spend his free time with Vanessa without Euronymous getting on his back. Just as he went to close his eyes the phone on his desk began to ring. Curious, he went over and picked it up.

“Hello?” he questioned.

“Pelle!” shouted Melanie. “You need to get down here now!”

“Calm down, tell me what’s going on. Is everything alright? Where’s Nessa?”

“Some guy dragged her into the back of the club! She…”

Not needing to hear another word Dead dropped the phone to the floor and ran down the stairs, grabbing the truck keys from the kitchen table. His heart pounded against his chest as he drove down the road, surprised that cops weren’t already pulling him over for going over the speed limit; not that he was concerned about it at the moment. Time seemed to slow for him as the panic he felt in his chest grew. Vanessa was strong, sure, but she wasn’t one for confrontation with anyone besides Euronymous. He needed to remember to thank Melanie properly once he had beaten the light out of whoever had their hands on his girlfriend.

After what felt like an hour, Dead pulled into the parking lot of the club and ran inside not bothering to even turn off the truck. Melanie and Natasha met him at the door, pulling him inside past the crowd of people. All around people pushed past them, making it difficult for him to maneuver hi s way to the back of the building. His anger intensified, the music ringing through his ears not helping at all; if by some miracle he didn’t go to jail tonight he was going to need a lot of heavy metal after hearing all of this pop music. His eyes narrowed as he finally had the man in view with Vanessa backed against the wall struggling to get away.

Yanking the man back, Dead’s fist connected with his jaw, sending him to the floor. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” he growled as he picked the man up. “Care to explain to me why your filthy hands are on my girlfriend? You low-life piece of shit.”

Tossing the man to the floor once again Dead lifted his foot before stomping his boot into the man’s stomach. The man cried out as Dead kicked him again, the anger apparent on his face. Vanessa couldn’t help but watch in slight fear of the sight before her. Her usually calm, quiet, lover had completely disappeared before her eyes. Melanie took notice of her friends expression and quickly pulled her into a tight embrace, shielding her from the fight while silently cheering Dead on. Once he was satisfied, Dead turned away from the now bloody man, walking slowly over to comfort Vanessa.

“Nessa,” he whispered into her ear. “I’m sorry you had to see that. I should have controlled myself more. I was just so…”

Vanessa turned to face him, taking hold of his face in her hands. “I’m not angry at you, Pelle. It was just so surprising to see so much violence come from you; you’re usually so quiet and collected. I had Euronymous down for the fight type.”

“I just wanted to keep you safe, Nessa. When Melanie told me you had gotten dragged away by some random asshole I couldn’t even think straight. All I could think was the complete worst. That something bad was happening to you and I wasn’t there to protect you. Next time you go out like this, I promise I’ll come with you. You won’t even have to ask, just tell me and I’ll be sure to tell Euronymous to go screw himself.”

“I don’t think we’ll be going to a club for a while, Pelle,” chimed in Melanie. “Maybe a nice, safe lunch date would be better. Or even a movie for that matter. I’m sorry we weren’t there with you, Ness.”

Vanessa shook her head. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Thank you for calling Pelle for me.”

Dead nodded in agreement. “I owe you big time, Melanie. If it wasn’t for you something worse could’ve happened to her. I don’t know how I can ever thank you for this.”

“You don’t need to thank me, Pelle. Just make sure you don’t hurt her and you come on more outings with us. We really want to get to know you better, especially if you and Ness end up getting married one day!”

Vanessa felt the blush spread across her cheeks, thankful it was dark. “Mel!”

Dead chuckled. “I promise I’ll come out more. For now though, I think I’m going to take Nessa home for the night. Do you want me to walk with you two to your car?”

Melanie nodded. “After all this that would be great. Thanks, Pelle.”

Leaving Vanessa and Dead, Melanie went to go find Natasha to tell her they were leaving. Vanessa held tightly to Dead’s hand as they walked slowly behind Melanie, both of them trying to calm their nerves after what had just happened. Once they reached Natasha, Dead led the way out of the building with all three of them close by.

“Thanks for coming, Pelle,” murmured Natasha. “Are you alright, Ness?”

Vanessa nodded, forcing a smile. “I’ll be alright. I’m glad I have you guys to watch my back.”

“Be careful going home tonight,” reminded Dead as they reached Melanie’s car. “If you want to go ahead and call Vanessa when you get home so we know you made it.”

Melanie smiled. “Thanks again, Pelle. We’ll see you later, Ness.”

“See you later,” Vanessa managed.

Once the girls were in the car, Dead guided Vanessa back to the still running truck.

“You didn’t turn the truck off?” she commented. “Isn’t that thing a gas guzzler? Euronymous is gonna freak out.”

Dead chuckled, seeing that she was trying to talk about anything else. “Let him get pissed I really don’t care anymore.”

“Did you call Hellhammer and Necro?”

Opening the door for her, Vanessa climbed in and waited for Dead to get in. Once in, he nodded as he pulled back out of the parking lot.

“They agreed with you. They don’t like how he’s acting and plan on calling him out tomorrow when they’re over. You don’t have to join if you don’t want to, Nessa, you’ve already dealt with enough tonight.”

Vanessa shook her head. “I’ll be right there beside you, Pelle.”

Dead couldn’t hold back his grin as he reached over and took hold of her hand. “So, have you talked about marrying me to your friends before?”

Vanessa put her finger to her lips, biting down on it gently trying to keep from smiling.

“You can tell me anything, Nessa,” he pushed.

Vanessa put her head down slightly. “I may have said something about it once or twice.”

Dead squeezed her hand, his smile only getting bigger. “Maybe we could talk more about details tomorrow?”

“I’d like that, Pelle.”

The two arrived back at the house, finding Euronymous asleep on the couch. Making their way up to the bedroom, Vanessa didn’t bother in changing clothes and just fell down on the mattress ready to just get some sleep. Dead chuckled before sliding in behind her, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her to his chest.

“Goodnight, Nessa, I love you,” he whispered, kissing her head softly.

“I love you too, Pelle.”

Before long Vanessa had fallen asleep on Dead’s chest; the same could not be said for the blond man. He stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours, his mind running through what had just happened. Maybe she was simply playing it off and acting strong for his sake, but he knew deep down that what happened had left her shaken. Had Melanie not called him...had he been a few minutes late…

_ No. Don’t think about it! _ He yelled.

_ You weren’t there to keep it from happening. All because Euronymous told you songs were more important. _

“I didn’t have a choice,” he whispered to no one.

_ You could have gone with her. Could have protected her. That could have easily happened when you left her with Euronymous.  _

“I don’t want to think about this,” he cried. “Please stop this.”

He couldn’t hold back the tears that stung his eyes. Feeling them fall down his cheek and onto her hair as she slept soundly against him. He couldn’t understand why she was still there beside him. He wouldn’t have held it against her if she was angry with him, if she blamed him for what had happened. What kind of boyfriend was he? Was he really so weak that he couldn’t stand up to Euronymous to make sure nothing happened to the woman he loved?

_ Grow a damn spine. Stick up for yourself and stop acting so defenseless.  _

“Starting tomorrow, there’s going to be a new Dead.”

Looking down, he kissed Vanessa softly on the top of her head before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

“Did you get  _ anything _ written last night, Dead?” snapped Euronymous.

Dead smirked. “Actually, I’ve got our next three songs done so there’s really no reason for you to be pissy at me now.”

“You got three songs done just last night?” asked Necro is disbelief. “That’s great Pelle! We can use those three and one of our older songs and that’ll give us a whole set list for the night.”

Euronymous glared over at the Swede, tossing an empty Cola bottle onto the floor and shattering it as it hit the wall.

“Seriously?” groaned Hellhammer. “We  _ just _ fucking cleaned up the place and now you’re gonna throw glass on the floor? Do you even think before you do dumb shit?”

“Shut up and let's get to practicing. Dead, you think you’ll be able to get through a whole set without Vanessa here?”

Rolling his eyes, Dead stood up from the couch and headed towards the garage where their set up was. Sure he had been a bit quieter today since Vanessa was working today, but he had no intention of letting it get in the way of his performance. If anything, having her near when they practiced gave him motivation to do his absolute best. Their show was tomorrow night and Vanessa couldn’t wait to see Dead perform. She hadn’t been allowed in the room while Melanie did everyone's makeup, well, everyone except Euronymous, so the anticipation was practically killing her. Hellhammer and Necro followed after Dead, Euronymous trailing behind them with a scowl on his face.

“Your face is gonna get stuck like that if you keep it up,” teased Dead as he picked up his microphone.

Hellhammer and Necro laughed along with the Swede, he hadn’t ever teased Euronymous before. For once it felt good to poke fun at the man who always tormented him. Euronymous, however, was unimpressed. 

“You know she’s only with you out of pity right? She’s probably just trying to make sure you don’t off yourself so she doesn’t feel guilty for not dating your sorry ass.”

Dead’s smile fell, as did Necro and Hellhammers. “Dude, that was fucking low,” snapped Necro. “He was playing with you and you just had to go for a low blow to make yourself feel better. I seriously hope you don’t pull this bullshit at the show tomorrow.”

“Let's get this over with,” growled Dead.

Taking a slow, deep breath, he let the anger he felt towards Euronymous fill his mind. If they wanted a good show tomorrow, all he needed to do was focus on how much he hated the guitarist right now. There was no longer a friendship between them, and Dead would have been lying if he had said it didn’t sting just a little bit. But Euronymous had broken whatever friendship was there by what he had been doing to his relationship with Vanessa. If Euronymous had really been his friend he would have been happy for him; not try and steal her away from him.

They practiced for nearly three hours going over the new lyrics and chords, Necro and Hellhammer praising him for his performance.

“You better keep that energy for tomorrow!” grinned Hellhammer as he patted Dead on the back. “I could really feel the hate. I think that’s as good as we’re gonna get so why don’t we go grab something to eat and get some rest. Vanessa should be home soon right?”

Dead’s anger melted away as quickly as it had come. “Yes.”

Euronymous pushed past them, heading inside. “I’m having a friend over so try to act normal. Don’t be making out with Vanessa while he’s here.”

Necro crossed his arms. “Who’s this new friend? Hopefully a new girlfriend.”

Euronymous snickered. “His name is Varg. I ran into him in town and he seemed alright. He’s coming to the show tomorrow.”

Dead made his way out of the garage into the yard. “I’m going to town to meet with Vanessa. I’ll see you later.”

“Have fun, Romeo!” teased Necro.

With a final wave, Dead began the walk into town.

~

Vanessa smiled as she bagged another customers groceries, her mind elsewhere as she pretended to listen to whatever they were talking about. Normally she would have talked with them, but she was far too excited about the concert tomorrow night. Melanie was going with her as Hellhammer’s date and would be sitting to the side of the stage with her so they could watch up close. After the concert there was supposed to be some kind of after party where the fans could mingle with the band for a while, but Dead had made it clear the two of them would probably make a late appearance in order to have some alone time. 

Her smile grew wider as she thought of having the vocalist alone to herself even if just for a few minutes before the fans stole him away from her. The woman she had bagged for said her goodbyes as she picked up her few things and made her way out of the store. Only fifteen more minutes before she could leave and get back to Pelle.

“You’re in an awfully good mood today, Ness,” laughed Melanie. “I guess you’re excited about the show? No! That couldn’t be it at  _ all _ could it?”

Vanessa laughed along with her. “I’m sorry, Mel. I guess seeing Pelle perform for the first time is just an exciting thought. What about you? You’ve been pretty dreamy today yourself. You wouldn’t happen to be thinking about a certain drummer by any chance, would you?”

“Okay! You caught me red handed! But at least I’m not in the air right now.”

“What are you…”

Before she could finish, she was lifted into the air and spun around. Once she was back on her feet, she turned around meeting Dead’s gaze.

“Pelle!” she yelled as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “What are you doing here?”

“I figured I would walk you home when you got off. work”

Melanie shook her head. “Get out of here you two. I’ll see you guys tomorrow night.”

Vanessa gave Melanie a quick hug. “Thanks, Mel. See you tomorrow.”

Taking hold of his hand, the two made their way out of the store.

“How did practice go?” she questioned.

Dead shook his head and sighed. “Euronymous has been being an ass today so there’s that. He mentioned something about having a friend over at the house today who’s gonna be at the show tomorrow. I think he said the guys name was Varg or something.”

Vanessa could taste the vomit building up he face turning pale. “Pelle, whatever you do, you can’t go near him.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s the man who killed Euronymous. The last thing I want to have is him killing you too.”

“Well if he kills Euronymous we could just find another guitarist and that’ll be the end of that issue. I can’t stand him anymore.”

“I know, Pelle. I agree that it would solve that issue, but I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Promise me you’ll stay as far away from him as possible.”

Pulling her against him, Dead nodded. “You have nothing to worry about.”

Vanessa couldn’t help the feeling she had deep in the pit of her stomach, something was going to go wrong; she just didn’t know when or what. Could she even save the both of them? Worst case scenario she would happily let Varg kill Euronymous if it came down to it. But did he really deserve to die? She tried thinking of a reason, any reason, why he should be allowed to live. The more she thought about it and all the things she had seen and read about him, the more sure she was that he wasn’t going to make it out of this alive one way or another. Euronymous was bound to tick off the wrong person eventually with how he treated people, but that didn’t mean Dead had to go down with him.


	9. Chapter 9

Her ears rang as Dead screamed into the microphone as he started off the show with  _ Freezing Moon _ . She watched from the side of the stage with Melanie and Varg standing off in a corner not even watching the show. The twisting feeling in her stomach had only grown once she had actually seen Varg. There was something wrong with him, but she couldn’t place her finger on it no matter how hard she tried. The way he stood there watching them was unsettling, how he talked to Dead with a voice so sickly sweet it made her want to throw up. But the way he had gotten so close to Euronymous in such a short amount of time was almost scary. The two of them acted as if they had always been best friends for years.

Watching Dead, he pulled out a long knife and began to move it down the length of his arm. He had promised Vanessa that the knife was extremely dull and that any cuts were going to heal within a few days, but he needed to make sure it looked believable for when he started using the fake blood. She wasn’t sure how it all worked, but the results were impressive. The blood actually looked as if it were pouring out of his arm.

“You did a great job with the blood, Mel,” she praised.

Melanie nodded her head in agreement. “He really knows how to make it look real.”

Varg stepped beside them, a smirk on his face. “I think it would be much better if it were the real deal like before.”

“Are you insane?” snapped Vanessa.

Varg simply laughed, shaking his head before walking back to his corner. Vanessa quickly turned her attention back to Dead as he finished up the last song, his long blond hair hanging down in front of his face and sticking to it in some places. He was a whole new level of attractive to her in that light. The black and white pain brought out his facial features, especially his eyes, in a way she hadn’t really noticed before. He seemed more confident when he was in the mind of his stage personality. Watching him left her needing the vocalist badly. As they walked off the stage, Dead made his way over to where she stood and quickly took her in his arms and giving her a small kiss.

“Dude,” snapped Euronymous. “Get a fucking room.”

Rolling her eyes, Vanessa grabbed Dead by the hand and led him to the dressing room where they could spend some time together before the after party began. As the door closed, Dead locked it behind him as they made their way to the small couch that against the wall. Wrapping his arm around her as he sat down, Dead pulled her down on his lap kissing her neck softly as she put her hand on his neck.

“Do you have time for this?” she moaned. “You don’t want to miss your party.”

Letting out a low growl he laid her down on her back. “We’ll make an appearance when we’re ready. For now just let me be close to you.”

“Whatever you desire, my little devil.”

That was all he needed to hear to continue. As they could hear the party begin without them the two paid it no attention as they became lost in the other, enjoy the other's touch. Each kiss he left against her skin burned with an intense heat that brought her ever closer to the edge as the tugged his hair trying to pull him as close as humanly possible. His touch was never something she could see herself getting used to. He made her feel as though the world had stopped turning, that time had stopped just for them. With each thrust they could feel the love between them growing ever stronger. 

Their ends came all too soon for both of their liking. Flipping her so she was now on top of his chest, Dead held her close for a moment trying to savor the closeness before having to go and socialize with people he didn’t know or even want to be around. He wanted to go home up to his room and just sit in comfortable silence with Vanessa; but if he didn’t make an appearance Euronymous was bound to give him hell for it. The last thing he needed was the guitarist on his back about giving the band a bad image just because their frontman didn’t want to show up.

“I suppose we should get out there,” he sighed. 

Vanessa pushed herself off of him as she began to fix herself. “Don’t worry, Pelle. I’ll be right there beside you.”

Zipping his pants back up, the two made their way out of the dressing room. The sound of music blaring through the halls of the venue as people danced, drank, and talked with Euronymous. Hellhammer and Melanie had taken a seat with Necro in the corner of the room talking with a few members of another band that Dead couldn’t seem to remember the name of. Varg remained close to Euronymous, whispering to the guitarist as he turned to face Dead and Vanessa. The scowl on his face visible from where they stood. 

Euronymous turned his attention back to Varg, whispering something into his ear as he pointed over at Vanessa. A devious smile made its way onto Varg’s face as he began talking back. Seeing the two of them talk about them had Vanessa’s stomach turning, feeling as though she were going to be sick. Her focus was quickly broken as a group of girls walked over to Dead.

“Do you want to get some drinks with us?” asked one of them. She had to have been at least eighteen with short black hair.

Dead shook his head. “Sorry, ladies, I’m not much of a drinker and I’m here with my girlfriend.”

The girl laughed. “I know you’re with your girlfriend! We were hoping you both would come join us for a round. My name is Becca, this is Isabelle, and that’s my girlfriend Jaimie. So, what do you say? Just one drink?”

Vanessa smiled. “Sure, Becca, that sounds great.”

One drink quickly turned into three as Dead and Vanessa talked more with Becca and her friends. They had come all the way from Sweden to see Mayhem’s performance after hearing about it from their previous visit to Norway. The three seemed nice enough, easy enough to talk to, but Dead just wanted to leave as quickly as possible.

“Dead!” yelled Euronymous as he patted the vocalist on the back. “Great show tonight, man.”

Dead nodded, keeping his head down. Euronymous was the last person he wanted to talk to at this point. He wanted so badly to punch the guitarist for everything he had said and done the past few weeks. 

“You need to lighten up, man. Come and hang out with me and the guys for a while and Vanessa can hang out with Melanie and her new friends here.”

“Actually,” growled Dead. “We’re going to go back to the house. I’m not feeling well.”

“Christ, man, come on! This party is for us and you’re gonna bail?”

“I didn’t even want to be at this stupid party.”

“Seriously man you need to get the fuck over yourself. You spend every damn day sulking in your room and you’re dragging your girlfriend down with you. Some boyfriend you are.”

Euronymous fell to the floor as Dead’s fist connected with his jaw, blood spilling out of his mouth. Lifting his hand to touch his cheek, he looked at the blood that covered his hand. The room was silent as everyone around them watched to see what would happen. Vanessa stood behind Dead, holding onto his arm trying to calm him down.

“You son-of-a bitch,” growled Euronymous as he rubbed his face. “You’re gonna regret you fucking did this to me. You better fucking watch yourself. You and that damn girlfriend of yours.”

As Varg helped Euronymous off the floor, Dead locked eyes with the guitarist for a moment with a menacing glare. There was no question that things between them were about to get worse.

Much, much worse...


	10. Chapter 10

The nightmares had become all too real. Everything looked as though he were looking through a wet mirror; distorted, chaotic… unreal. He couldn’t focus anymore despite his best efforts to come up with new material for the band, his relationship with Vanessa was becoming strained and he worried she would leave for good. She had been spending more time with Melanie and Hellhammer, but when she was around him she would always try and be as supportive as she could; but even Dead knew that she probably had her limits with how hard she was willing to push. His mind raced, the voices in his head screaming at him to just end it all with one blow. To finally give everyone around him some form of peace so they wouldn’t be burdened with him anymore. So he wouldn’t have to feel as though he were drowning anymore. He could finally be free.

Ever since he punched Euronymous the guitarist had been treating him worse than ever before along with Varg. It was as if the two were teaming against him to make his life more miserable than it already was. Drawing frantically on what seemed like the hundreth piece of paper, he scribbles the landscape of a cemetery he once walked through when he was younger in an attempt to escape from the people who bullied him. The one place he could almost call his happy place. Surrounding him were similar drawings, if one could call them that, of his home, his family and such all up in flames as if they were in Hell. Tossing the pen across the room his hands made their way into his hair, tugging hard as he rocked back and forth on the mattress trying to tune the voices out as they grew louder with each passing moment. The bedroom door opened as Vanessa walked into the room. The smile she had fell as she saw the papers thrown around the room and the panicked blond in front of her.

“Pelle!” she cried as she ran over to his side. “Pelle are you alright?”

Jerking away from her Dead quickly stood and ran out the door. Downstairs, and out the front door into the forest. He could hear her call out to him begging him to stop and talk to her, but he couldn’t. His legs carried him further into the forest as if he were on autopilot, pushing past the hanging tree limbs and fallen branches on the snow covered ground. His lungs burned as the cold air made it harder and harder for him to catch his breath, yet, the burning felt good. Made him feel… something… Anything was better than the horrible feeling he was having. 

He wasn’t sure where he was going, wasn’t sure how far he had gone, but it seemed as if he had been running for a while. He felt bad for running away from Vanessa like that, he never wanted to run from her, but he couldn’t be around her like this. He couldn’t help but wonder if she even still cared about him anymore. She had been distant with him, she stopped telling him anything as well as stopped spending time with him. She had even stopped telling him she loved him like she used to. He didn’t want to be a burden on her anymore with his problems.

Tripping over a fallen branch, Dead fell to the ground sobbing into the freezing snow, ice cutting into his face and arms as he struggled to find the will to get back up. Lifting his head, his eyes widened as he watched each tree around him go up in flames until he was completely surrounded by a raging inferno. 

_ This is it. This is where you’ll die. _

Dead’s sobbed harder, the heat grew more intense as the fire came closer and closer to him, yet he wasn’t afraid. He would gladly the flames coming to engulf him just so he could be released from this hell. Sure, he would miss Vanessa with all his heart, but she could easily do better than him. He focused on her, his last true happy thought, as he choked on the smoke. His favorite memory of when they first kissed flashing through his mind. He could never regret her. He was glad that his first kiss had been with the woman of his dreams; was glad that she wanted to be with him.

He let out a pain filled scream as the first of the flames touched his skin, his head flung back to the sky as he screamed. There was no going back now. No one was going to save him, he had run too far and fast for anyone to get to him in time. Even if they did reach him before he was completely consumed by the flames there was no way they would be able to put it out before it killed him. This was the end… and he was ready for it. His eyes closed as he laid down on the ground, the feeling in his body completely gone at this point. There was no more pain to be felt. It was only a matter of time before eternal darkness took over him.

_ Vanessa…  _

Choking on the smoke, he managed to find his voice. “I love you, with all my cold, dead heart.”

“Pelle!” he could hear her scream. 

Just let it all go ...let death finally take me.

He could feel her hands on him as she began to shake him. 

_Wait_… 

Opening his eyes he saw that the flames had gone without a trace. The trees around them stood tall and proud as they swayed in the cold wind. He looked over to Vanessa, her face red from the winter air, her eyes red and puffy as tears ran down her face almost freezing to her skin as she cried. Pulling him into a sitting position she took off her jacket and wrapped it around him in her best effort to warm him.

“What are you doing out here? I thought I lost you.”

His eyes drifted to the ground as he answered shakily. “You don’t act the same anymore. It’s like you want nothing to do with me. With us. You spend most of your time with Melanie and Hellhammer now. You don’t need me anymore.”

Her mouth hung open as she struggled to find her voice. “Pelle, I didn’t know I was hurting you this badly. I should have told you what was going on from the beginning, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry, Pelle. You need to know I love you with all my heart and that never once changed.”

Looking at her with tears in his own eyes he waited for her to tell him why she had been so distant with him. Why she had been spending so much time with everyone but him.

“Pelle, I... I think I’m pregnant.”


	11. Chapter 11

His mouth hung open as he tried to process what she had just said. His mouth closed then opened again as if he were trying to talk, the tears in his eyes now falling harder as he slowly backed himself up against a nearby tree. His mind remained unusually silent as he took it all in. He wasn’t ready for this. There was no way he could be the father a child needed him to be when he couldn’t even keep himself from trying to end it all. How was he supposed to take care of another human life? His music career would come to an end and he would have to go to school so he could get a better job to take care of it.

_ No… I can’t do this!  _

Closing his eyes as tightly as possible, Dead tried to imagine it was all just a dream. He would open his eyes and be back in his room with Vanessa laying across his lap while he wrote some new song lyrics. It was all going to be back to normal once he opened his eyes. Counting down in his head, his eyes opened as he reached forty. The sharp realization that he wasn’t in a dream had his breath caught in his throat. He struggled to remember how to breathe.

“This can’t be happening,” he hadn’t meant to say it outloud.

Vanessa sighed, moving to sit in front of him. “Pelle, it isn’t certain yet. It could just be a late period.”

She tried to sound convincing for the both of them. If she was being honest, she wasn’t exactly sure who she was trying to convince at the moment.

“I can’t do it,” his voice trembling. “I’m not ready to be a father. There’s so much I wanted to do; so much I wanted to see. I wanted us to go to Transyvania one day. I can hardly keep myself alive!”

“Pelle,” she started, “I have to go to the doctor next week and find out for sure about this. I know this is a lot for you, but I need you there with me. I’m just as scared as you are.”

Try as he might, Dead couldn’t calm his nerves. There was too much going on as it was lately with Euronymous, the band, his lack of sleep, and his parents wanting him to go back to school. Looking down at the ground he ran a shaky hand through his hair, taking a deep breath as he counted to ten. Vanessa watched with worried eyes, her own fears swallowing her as she wondered if Dead was going to end their relationship now.

_ No.  _ She snapped.  _ You’re being selfish. Here he is about to completely fall apart and you’re just worried about yourself. This affects him too. _

“Pelle,” she stared as she kneeled down beside him. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought this on you now. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I just was afraid of how you would react. I didn’t want you to know until I was absolutely sure.”

Reaching over he took hold of her hand. “It’s okay. I’m trying not to let it get to me, but I’m scared.”

“Come back to the house and we can talk more there. You’re going to get sick sitting out here in the snow like this.”

Dead stood with a heavy heart. This wasn’t at all how he wanted things to be between him and Vanessa. Yet now he could hardly stand to look at her at all. It wasn’t completely her fault if something happened, he should have been smart enough to have been more careful; but what if she wanted to keep the child? Would she even consider how he felt or just push his feelings aside? No. She wouldn’t do that to him. If she didn’t care about his feelings she wouldn’t have dealt with him when Euronymous was being a jerk. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t care.

They walked in silence, Dead occasionally looking over at her through the corner of his eye. She kept her focus on the ground as they walked, her eyes half closed as if deep in thought. Yet she looked unhappy. Dead felt guilt gnaw at him as he kicked himself for getting so worked up over something that might not even happen. Reaching over, he took hold of her hand as they came to a stop. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have gotten so worked up.”

Vanessa shook her head, her eyes still glued to the ground. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, Pelle. I should have told you what was going on instead of just avoiding you and the situation. If anything, I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. We should probably try and be more careful in the future. I’m sure it’s probably just me being late, but I guess we’ll find out. But we should probably talk about what to do if it comes out positive. What do you want to do?”

“I honestly don’t know. Maybe we could consider adoption or something? I’m just not ready to be a father right now.”

“I understand, sweetness. Maybe when we see if it’s positive or not we can look into it and some other options.”

“I hope this doesn’t change anything between us. I don’t want to lose you over this.”

“Pelle, there’s nothing you could ever do that would ever make me leave you or think any different of you or us. Unless you slept with another girl, of course.”

Dead laughed, his mind slowly calming down. “Wouldn’t ever dream of it.”

Bending down, Dead quickly picked Vanessa up into his arms before pressing his lips against hers as he walked up to the front door of the house. For the moment, his mind still held its fears, but he was slowly starting to come to the realization that she wasn’t like the other's before. She wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, and if she promised never to leave his side, he believed her with all his heart. As he walked into the house he could hear the T.V. on with Euronymous talking to Varg on the couch. The two looked over at them before going back to whatever conversation they had been having. Setting her down, the two made their way up the stairs to the bedroom to enjoy some peace and quiet for the moment. As Vanessa snuggled into his arms, he nuzzled her neck breathing her in. 


	12. Chapter 12

Euronymous found himself half listening as Varg droned on about why he believed corn flakes tasted best when they were crispy, but his mind was on Vanessa. He knew he was being a jerk to her and Dead, but heartbreak after heartbreak had him longing for one gentle touch from someone that would love him unconditionally as Vanessa did with Dead. She was everything he had ever dreamed of and more, and yet, he couldn’t figure out a way to talk with her without throwing himself at her feet. It was completely uncharacteristic of him as well as unattractive. 

He had hoped that things with Ann would have worked out, she had seemed like she was going to be the one until it had come out that she had been seeing someone else as well. Sure, they had only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, but how long would it be until someone showed him the affection he so badly craved? 

“Are you even listening to me?” 

Euronymous shook his head, looking at Varg. “I must have zoned out for a second. What did you say?”

Varg chuckled. “I said you seem pretty obsessed with Dead’s girlfriend. Something you wanna get off your chest?”

“No. There’s really nothing to talk about. I have feelings she’ll never return and that’s the end of it.”

“Maybe you could just try being her friend first. Maybe one day she’ll return the feelings, or you two can just be happy as friends.”

Euronymous couldn’t think of anything to say. He wasn’t sure if he could push the feelings he had for her aside just like that. He wanted her; needed her. But... if they were just friends? Surely it would end the tension that had built up around the house. Necro and Hellhammer would never forgive him if Dead left the band because of him, they would almost surely leave along with him. 

“She’s a mystery,” he muttered. “Dead was so obsessed with this woman he saw in his dreams, and then she appears out of nowhere and they act like they’ve known each other for years. He’s never once mentioned her before; he only ever really talked about his family and that was it.”

Varg shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Maybe he just wanted to keep her a secret. But I guess I can understand why you’d be curious. He didn’t give any kind of clue how this girl even found him?”

“Nope. She just showed up out of the blue and moved right in with him. It’s bizarre.”

“Are you sure you aren’t just overthinking things? Maybe Dead really did know her before and was writing letters to her or something.”

“I don’t know, man. This whole thing is just weird. He hasn’t even mentioned that chick from his dreams ever since she showed up. How do you go from obsessing over something to acting like it never happened?”

Varg shrugged. “Dead’s a weird guy. Maybe it’s just that easy for him.”

Deciding to end the conversation, Euronymous turned his attention to the T.V. He was tired of talking to Varg all the time; the man was practically glued to his hip. It was almost uncomfortable having him around anymore. He tried focusing on what the woman on the news was talking about, something having to do with another murder or something like that, but Varg continued to talk.

“I’m gonna go and get some air,” he stated as he quickly got off the couch.

“Want me to go with you?”

“Nah, man, I just need some space for a minute. You can chill if you want until I get back.”

Not waiting for the man to answer, Euronymous made his escape out the front door and into the snowy weather. The sun was slowly setting, blinding him as he walked down the driveway. He tried looking down at the ground to keep the light out of his eyes, but the reflecting light against the snow only made it harder for him to see. While it was obvious Norway had beautiful winters, Euronymous almost wished he would never have to deal with the horrid stuff again. 

He wasn’t sure where his feet were taking him and he couldn’t have cared less. He didn’t want to be around anyone, didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to disappear for a while. His mind wandered to a time before Mayhem had started. The image of a girl about ninteen, dark brown hair flowing down her back and whipping across her face as she ran down the streets of the small town. Closing his eyes he tried to shake the image out of his mind, begging for it to go away; until the crystal blue eyes of hers looked at him. His pace quickened, tears threatening to fall as he tried to push her out of his mind.

_ “Come on, Øystein! We’re going to be late!” _

That voice.

“Please,” he whimpered. “Get out of my head.”

_ “We have plenty of time! You’re just impatient.” _

“No. I can’t do this again.”

She laughed, grabbing hold of his hand as she pulled him along with her. The sound rang through his mind as clearly as if she were standing there beside him as he nearly ran down the road, ignoring the few people he happened to pass. He watched as she came closer to him, her eyes going to the ground as he pulled her to him, their lips meeting in a soft kiss that ended all too quickly. 

He fell to the ground, his tears falling freely as he put a hand up to the gravestone in front of him. For the moment, he didn’t care if anyone saw him crying. Let them see, let them hear him. For the moment, he needed this release. His mouth opened as he let out a pain filled cry into the sky, his heart feeling as though it would explode as it pounded against his chest. Holding onto the stone, he ran his fingers across the delicate cursive letters that had been carved into it five years earlier.

_ Vera Onstad _

January 25, 1968-April 11,1984

Tatt før hennes tid, for alltid i hjertene til de som elsket henne.

“Why?” he cried. “Why’d you leave me here?”

His eyes closed as the final piece of the memory played in his head like a movie. Her lips hovering just above his as they ended the kiss, both of their eyes still closed as they smiled. 

_ “When are we going to finally get out of here and get married, Øystein?” _

_ “As soon as I can afford to take you away from here.” _

_ “I don’t care about that, I just wanna be with you. I love you, Øystein.” _

Then came the sound of a car horn as it came closer to them just before hitting both of them. It was almost a week before Euronymous had woken up in a panic, trying to remember what had happened. He had asked the doctors where she was, only to be told she had been killed on impact. Her parents had tried to blame him for it all, saying they never should have let their daughter see someone like him. And they were right.

She had been sneaking out almost every day just to see him without her parents knowing. They had always hated him, always reminded him that he was nowhere near good enough for their little girl. He could never disagree with them, but he loved her and wanted to be selfish and keep her for himself. Maybe if he had ended things she would still be alive.

“You left before I could even give you your ring,” he sobbed. “I was going to propose that night after the movie. We could’ve run away and started a whole new life, but you left before we could. I miss you so much. I miss being close to you, miss being held by you. I was never good with showing my emotions but it was always so different with you. I...I loved you. And now I’m all alone. I just...I just want to be loved again.”

Darkness soon washed over the cemetery as Euronymous stood to leave.

“Happy birthday, angel,” he whispered as he began to make his way out of the graveyard and back to the house. 


	13. Chapter 13

He walked slowly, taking his time as the snow blew across his face. The biting cold almost refreshing against his skin. He hadn’t bothered to put on a jacket before he left, only a T-shirt and jeans with tears in them and his black boots kept him covered; yet he didn’t mind. If he were to get frostbite and die here and now, what did it matter? The band could easily replace him with another guitarist within a few weeks at most. He didn’t recognize the person he had become after Vera had died. She was the last remaining light in his life and now she was gone. Was nothing allowed to be his?

Granted there were plenty of things he could have changed about himself to keep people in his life longer, but after ever heartbreak it seemed easier to just shut everyone else out to keep from getting hurt all over again. Only a few people knew why he had become the man he was now but even they had backed out after a while.

He watched as the street lights came on one at a time, lighting a path down the now empty streets. The snow continued to fall, only now it was steadily picking up with the winds causing his skin to burn as it whipped across his body. Norweigen winters were always something to admire, the evergreens would soon be covered in ice and snow within the next few weeks, lakes bound to freeze over at anytime, all of it an enchanting sight for any who gazed upon it. Yet, for Euronymous, it was a sight he was tired of seeing. The beauty of the land had lost any novelty years ago. He longed to finally explore the rest of the world, to see what it had to offer him.

If he was going to get anywhere in the world, Mayhem would have to work twice, if not three times as hard to get to where they needed to be. As he walked, he caught sight of a passing couple around his age. The woman walked close to the man, holding on to his arm as they made their way down the sidewalk. His brow furrowed in frustration, the sight of the couple making his insides burn with rage. The sound of laughter filled his ears as they passed by him only making his envy increase.

“Stupid fuckers,” he cursed.

He walked a little further until reaching the bar in the middle of town. Normally he hated drinking anything but Cola and the occasional cup of coffee, but tonight a good stiff drink sounded inviting. He had heard about this particular bar having some of the best beers and liquors for miles from Hellhammer and Necro, something about having some great whiskey as well. If anything, he would have a few shots, go home to bed, and try and work everything out in the morning.

From the outside it looks delightful, modest and intimate. Small stones and hardwood tree trunks make up most of the building's outer structure. It was impossible to see through the curtained windows, but the entertained voices from within can be felt outside.

As Euronymous entered the tavern through the small, soft wooden door, he was welcomed by a pleasant atmosphere and joyful music; a drastic contrast to his current mood.

The bartender is engaged in a conversation, but still manages to welcome him with a friendly nod.

It's as charming inside as it is on the outside. Squared, stone beams support the upper floor and large candles attached to them. The walls are packed with rows of painted portraits of people he assumes to be the previous owners and their friends.

The tavern itself is packed. tourists seem to be the primary clientele here, which is often a good sign. Several long tables are occupied by seperate groups of people, all enjoying themselves, but keep to their own groups. The other, smaller tables are also occupied by people who are playing games and, judging by their laughter, are either telling jokes or great, perhaps embarrassing, tales. Even most of the stools at the bar are occupied, though nobody seems to mind more company.

It took him a moment to gain his composure before making his way over to one of the empty bar stools closest to the wall.

“What can I get for you, sweetheart?” the bartender chimed.

Euronymous sighed. “Whatever’s the strongest.”

Her smile softened as she patted his hand. “Something to drown your sorrows I take it? Don’t worry, honey, I got just the thing for you. First two rounds are on me.”

“Thank you.”

He kept his head lowered, ignoring the voices of those around him as his mind wandered to a better place. One where he was happy, in a successful band and touring the world with someone that truly loved him by his side. 

“Here you go, honey,” the bartender smiled as she set down two shot glasses. “Let me know if I can get ya anything else.”

Euronymous held up on of the glasses in acknowledgement before downing it; the burning sensation almost making him spit it back out. His hand reached for his throat as it began to burn; how the hell did anyone drink this willingly? Grabbing the second glass, he quickly drank it as well. The burning intensified as if someone were setting his insides on fire. 

“Two more,” he ordered as he clutched the glass.

The woman nodded, handing him two more shot glasses.

“Leave the bottle please.”

She hesitated. “You be careful, honey, this is some pretty strong stuff. I’d hate to see you hurt yourself.”

“I’d welcome the pain.”

Releasing the bottle, Euronymous poured himself another shot. The burning raged on, pushing it to the back of his mind as he poured another glass. Two quickly turned into four, then eight, and finally twelve before his head fell against the counter. The bottle was now half empty and taken back by the bartender as she picked up the shot glasses around Euronymous. Her blue eyes voiced the concern she felt, yet she said nothing as he struggled to stand. 

A large smile was plastered on his pale face as he began to laugh. Any rational thoughts he might have had were now completely gone as he stumbled about the room, the eyes of almost every person in the room focused on him as he stumbled to the door. The bartender considered stopping him for a moment until one of the larger men in the room walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“You shouldn’t be walking right now, buddy,” he suggested.

Euronymous tried to push the hand off. “Fuck off, dick head,” he growled.

The man scowled. “Listen I’m only trying to be helpful. No sense getting yourself hurt out there for nothing.”

Euronymous pushed harder, falling back into the door as he did. “I said fuck off!”

The man grunted, shaking his head before making his way back to his own table. Managing to open the door, Euronymous made his way back out into the snow, the freezing temperature no longer bothering him as he staggered down the street. His chest ached as his heart broke further as he stumbled along the sidewalk, the only light now coming from the streetlights making it harder than it was to see where he was going; the snow still falling though more gently than it had been when he first entered the bar. His mind, though scrambled like eggs, focused on both Vera and Vanessa, of times that were once happier before his life fell apart from underneath him.

Tears once again threatened to fall as he tripped over himself and fell to the ground. Another cry left his lips as the pain in his chest grew more painful by the second. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. She should still be alive with  _ him _ , not buried in the ground! All he wanted was some semblance of joy again; to have something he could call his. Why was that so hard? Why did he have to be the asshole in all of this? Euronymous continued to sob, the tears flowing freely down his cheeks to the ground below as he dug his fingers into the freezing snow. 

He wanted so badly to carve his heart out of his chest, to finally end the pain and be at peace once again…Longed for someone to love him through all of his flaws, to understand that deep down… he was only human. A man who had been through more than his fair share of bullshit. Just for a minute, he didn’t want to be Euronymous anymore… 

He wanted to be _Øystein_ again… 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since an update! Work has been non stop so it's been hard to find the time to write anymore. I know this chapter is super short I promise I'll be updating soon!

The warmth of the house washed over him as he stumbled through the door, his legs feeling like jelly gave out from under him. His face connected with the hardwood floor beneath him, a fresh wave of sobs escaping him. A part of him hoped that no one was home to find him, that maybe they had left and weren’t coming back so he could lie there and suffer. His stomach turned, feeling as though he were about to be sick Euronymous clutched his stomach as he writhed on the floor.

“Euronymous?” yawned Vanessa as she made her way over to his side. “What are you...wait, are you crying?”

Euronymous couldn’t answer her as his body shook. She watched him for a moment, unsure of what to do. Part of her wanted to turn around, go back upstairs and ignore him, but despite all he had done to her and Dead, she couldn’t find it in herself to just leave him there.

Wrapping an arm around him, she pulled him to his feet. “Let's just get you on the couch for tonight.”

Euronymous stumbled along. “I...I’m sorry! I’m sorry for the crap I’ve been pulling, I really am! I just...I...I lost the girl I was gonna marry. She died before I got the chance to ask her. I’ve just...I’ve felt so incomplete without her. I just want someone who loves me! And I’m sorry I’ve tried fucking with you and Dead. I...I wanna start over.”

Vanessa let out a deep breath as she helped him down on the couch. “You do realize I’m having a hard time believing you, right? After all the crap you’ve pulled I think you should try talking this out with Pelle before anything else.”

“Please...I want things to be different...I wanna change.”

Making her way to the stairs, she turned to look at him one last time.

“Prove it.”

With that, she turned and made her way back up the stairs. Euronymous watched with tear filled eyes as he was left once again alone with nothing but the voices in his head to keep him company. His head screamed in pain as he rolled onto his side, the tears falling harder than before as he silently begged for the pain to go away. Shutting his eyes, he caught a glimpse of Vera once again.

Her blue eyes looked almost sad as the image flashed through his mind. It wasn’t the first time she had come to him in his dreams or drunken states. Her visits were one of many reasons why he hated getting drunk or even just having one or two beers; the pain always too much to handle.

_ “Everything will be alright,” _ she smiled.  _ “Goodbye, Øystein. I love you.” _

“Don’t leave me again,” he pleaded.

His eyes grew heavy as the image of her began to fade faster and faster, trying his hardest to stay awake. As the inevitable darkness overtook him a small, almost unnoticeable breeze brushed against his face as Vera’s face disappeared completely.


	15. Chapter 15

Dead watched as the sun rose. It had been another sleepless night, the few minutes of sleep he managed to get were full of haunting memories he longed to forget. His eyes moved to glance down at Vanessa’s sleeping form still curled up against his chest, completely unaware of the menacing thoughts that drifted through his mind. With each passing day the sweet invitation of death seemed more welcoming as time went on. He tried to fight the thoughts off, tried his best to think about the positives in his life. Hell, he finally had someone who truly cared about him and actually wanted to marry him.

_Why does everything have to be so fucked up?_ _It would be so much easier to just end it now and give her a chance at finding someone better. Someone who could actually give her what she deserves. Not living here in this shit shack._

His eyes closed as he pondered the thought. As much as he wanted to end it, he wanted to keep trying for her sake. Maybe things would work out in the end the way she hoped they would.

_ But wouldn’t that mean she’s only with you so you become famous? Would she have even cared about you if you were just a random person? The only reason she knew of you was because of your death. _

A small groan was heard beside him as Vanessa turned over on her side, freeing him from her arms. As much as he enjoyed being close to her, he needed some fresh air to clear his mind before she woke up. Slowly making his way off the bed, Dead pulled on his boots and headed down the stairs, the sight of Euronymous asleep on the couch taking him by surprise. As much as he wanted to hate the guitarist for everything that had happened, Dead hoped that maybe they could be friends once again.

The crisp morning air whipped across his face as he opened the door, the sun against the fallen snow almost blinding. Struggling to regain his sight back, Dead began the familiar walk into the forest. His stomach twisted and turned with each step as his mind continued to race, his anxiety rising as he felt as though he was going to throw up. How did people do this? How was it so easy for some to forget the wrongs of those who had hurt them and just move on with a smile? It made no sense.

The more he thought about it, the more he thought of Vanessa. A small smile crept onto his face as he pictured her in a long flowing black dress as she made her way towards him with her long hair flowing gracefully behind her. The image alone was enough to stop him in his tracks as he watched the scene play out. Small fragments of what could be flashed through his mind. The two of them standing together in front of a large crowd as they recited their binding vows in the dead of night under a full moon. Even with the crowd of people, all he could see was her standing before him as she took his name.

His smile grew, the sound of her name with his seeming like an almost impossible dream. The fact that she had already agreed to simply run away with him was enough to make his heart pound with excitement. Maybe they could have a real wedding one day if they were to just run away. 

“Why can’t I make up my mind about how I feel?” he wondered aloud. “Why does it have to be a fucking battle every day?”

“Maybe because it’s just a you thing.”

Dead jumped, startled that someone actually answered him. He slowly relaxed as he faced Euronymous. The guitarist still looked as though he could have used a few more hours of sleep, his hair stuck out in almost every direction as he took a step closer.

“What are you doing out here?” questioned Dead.

Euronymous shrugged. “I heard you leave and figured it was a good time to come talk to you.”

“What do you want?”

Euronymous sighed. “Look, I know we’ve had a lot of shit happen lately and it’s my fault. I want to apologize. I’m not gonna give you some half assed speech about why you should give me another chance or whatever, but I want you to know I’m sorry and that I won’t ever try anything like that again. I guess...I guess it was just hard seeing you two so in love and not being able to act like that with Vera anymore. Yesterday was her birthday and I’ve just been so lonely. I haven’t touched another girl since she died and Vanessa reminded me a lot of her. I know that’s no excuse but…”

“Euronymous,” interrupted Dead.

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

The two smiled at one another, the silence now free of the tension that had built up between them.

“We should be getting back. I think I heard Vanessa get in the shower not long before I came after you.”


	16. Chapter 16

Vanessa watched from the window as Euronymous and Dead made their way back up the driveway smiling and talking with each other. Maybe he was serious about changing. She silently hoped that was the case, hoping that he wouldn’t just hurt Dead once more. As they came closer to the house, Vanessa made her way down the stairs to greet them.

Dead’s smile widened as she entered the room, his arms opening to embrace her as she walked over to where he stood. Vanessa shivered as he pulled her against him, the cold fabric causing goosebumps to rise. 

“When is our next show supposed to be?” questioned Dead.

Euronymous shrugged. “Not sure honestly. I was thinking we could try expanding. Call up some places out of country and see if they’ll let us play there.”

“Out of country? That’s expensive as hell.”

“Well Vanessa said she would help us out with money so we could use some of that.”

Vanessa nodded. “Whatever helps you guys get out there.”

Dead leaned down, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. “Thank you.”

Leading her back upstairs to the bedroom, Dead closed the door and looked at her longingly. 

“I need to know something.”

Vanessa looked at him with questioning eyes. “What is it?”

Dead sighed, moving closer to her, his hands resting on her hips. “Would you still love me if I wasn’t famous? Would you stay with me even if I decided to leave Mayhem? Would you have come for me if I was anyone else?” 

Her answer came so softly he almost hadn’t heard her. “Yes. I believe that no matter what or who you were, or are, we were meant to be together.”

“I’m sorry I keep questioning everything so often. I just, I guess I’m just used to people hurting me. I mean, I was literally beaten to the point where I died and came back!”

“Pelle, I know people have hurt you before but do you honestly think I would say yes to marrying you if I was going to hurt you?”

“I want to believe you wouldn’t. I trust you not to hurt me, but I still have those voices telling me you would or that you’re only with me for when we become famous. There were people who hurt me just because they could. I stopped believing in anything truly good a long time ago. It’s hard to believe that you aren’t just another dream I’m going to wake up from.  _ Jag är rädd. _ ” 

Vanessa reached into her pocket, feeling the long dead phone that she had kept on her. There was no point in trying to charge it, no point in even having the damn thing at this point. It was completely useless now. At best the only thing it  _ could  _ do was let her play some of the wifi free games she had downloaded to keep herself busy while she was out. There was no real way to translate what he had just said, but the tone of his voice implied enough to get it across that he was doubtful, or at the very least afraid. How could anyone blame him? The life he had was hellish to say the least. Why was it she expected everything to change simply because she was here now?

_ Because that’s what I was hoping for. I wanted to believe this was going to be as easy as showing up and convincing him to not do it. I’ve been completely selfish about this. Things in this time are so much more different than in mine. Mental health isn’t even something that people really wanted to believe.  _

“Pelle,” she started. “I’m sorry.”

Dead’s expression turned to one of confusion and fear. “What are you saying?”

Vanessa shook her head. “I came here thinking that things would be different. That maybe if we were together it would somehow magically change your outlook on life, but I forgot that’s not how things work. All these fears you have, the doubts, the voices, it’s all normal whether or not you believe that. I knew a lot of people that had to go seek professional help just because they were feeling so lost in life or because they were treated almost as badly, if not worse, than you.”

The room fell silent as Dead absorbed her words. Had he really made her feel like she  _ hadn’t _ changed his outlook on things? His mind clouded with a million thoughts, wondering if maybe he was reading too much into something. How many times did he have to question her before she decided to just up and leave? His mouth became dry as he tried to choose his next words carefully.

“Do you really believe you can save me?”

“I can try.”


	17. Chapter 17

Dead sighed, no words feeling as though they could truly express how he felt. He wanted to believe his soul could be saved, that she would be the one to save him from himself, yet it seemed as if the grave was calling out to him. That peaceful feeling he had long ago the day he died, he wanted to feel its embrace one more. To finally be at rest. Yet here she was complicating things just by being near him. He could have dealt with it if she had only been a figment of his screwed up imagination, but now there were feelings involved. 

His heartbeat flooded his ears as he watched her step closer to him before putting her head against his chest.

“I’m scared,” he muttered. “I don’t know if I can truly be what you need me to be.”

Vanessa sighed, her arms wrapping around him. “You don’t need to be any more than what you are, Pelle. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but I really do love you. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you.”

“Stay here with me. Don’t leave me here alone anymore. We could build a life together now and forget everything in the past and the future. If everything you say about us is true then I’ll be able to give you everything you want. Hell, we could even have a  _ real _ wedding ceremony instead of just running away and doing it.”

“Pelle, I don’t want any of that. I’d be just fine with going to a courthouse and getting married as long as I have you by my side.”

“Then let's do it. We haven’t talked about it and I don’t wanna wait and lose you.”

“We’d need to go and get all the paperwork, Pelle. Besides, I don’t even know how this will all work since I technically don’t exist yet.”

“I know a few people who are pretty good at making fake documents and whatnot. I can give them a call and cash in a few favors.”

“I’m not sure. I’d rather just go and see about getting some real papers or something. This way it’s nothing illegal.”

“And what do you plan on telling them?”

“I don’t know, Pelle. I’m trying to come up with something.”

“Nessa, please. Just trust me on this and let me help you. I promise it will all be as close to the truth as possible. Let me go and call them and I’ll see what needs to be done. Hopefully they’ll have everything ready by the end of next week and we can get the marriage papers then. If that’s what you want.”

“If you trust them, then I’ll trust them. I want to marry you, Pelle.”

“Promise me something?”

“Anything.”

“Promise me that one day, when everything you’ve said comes true, that you will let me give you a real wedding. I can picture you in a long black dress and everything under the full moon.”

“Isn’t this something that usually the girl dreams about?”

“Maybe it’s something I dreamt of a long time ago. Please promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Good. Now, you wait up here and I’ll go and call them up and let you know what they say. I’ll be back soon, my little demon.”

“I’ll be waiting, my devil.”

Her heartbeat quickened as he left the room, the excitement flooding through her. Hopefully his friends would be able to get her the papers she needed without too much trouble, then she could marry Dead without any issues. Pressing her hand against her stomach, Vanessa smiled at the image of a smaller version of Dead running around. The image was something she hoped would happen one day, but hopefully not just yet. A child would only make things worse on his mind and most likely ruin any chances of Mayhem actually becoming successful. 

Picking up his favorite Transilvania shirt, Vanessa clutched it to her chest as she thought of a way to surprise Dead. If Euronymous was so determined to start touring in more countries, there wasn’t really any reason why they could at least  _ try _ and do a few shows in Transilvania. The only issue they could possibly face would be money, but things weren’t as expensive now as they were where she came from. Her eyes widened as she reached for her bag that was kept under the desk. If she was right, there was more than likely some money that she had kept in the bag before she left.

Unzipping the front pocket, Vanessa began to pull out the contents of the unpacked bag. Her makeup made up a small stack beside her along with a small purple hairbrush. She grinned as she pulled out the black and gold handbag she kept all of her important papers in, a grin that intensified as she unzipped a smaller pouch and found two hundred dollars inside. Her smile fell as she thought of an even better plan to surprise Dead. But to pull it all off she would most likely need the help of everyone in the band and maybe even Melanie and Natasha.

Making her way down the stairs, she could hear Dead’s voice in the living room as he talked almost angrily in Swedish.

“Not sure what has him all upset but it sounds bad,” joked Euronymous as he walked out of the kitchen.

Vanessa shrugged. “Beats me. Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s band related and I figured since you’re the leader of Mayhem maybe we could work something out to benefit us both.”

Euronymous stared at her for a long moment before motioning to the kitchen. “Let's go in the other room and talk.”


	18. Chapter 18

Dead paced nervously around the waiting room, his hands tangled in his already messy blond hair; the lack of sleep painfully apparent from the dark circles around his eyes. It had already been a stressful week, to say the least, with Euronymous calling around to try and get them set up for their European tour along with multiple spats over new song lyrics, the last thing Dead wanted to worry about was becoming a parent and kiss it all goodbye. Still, he tried to put on a brave face for Vanessa; yet failing horribly. He glanced down at her as she sat on the couch beside Melanie and Hellhammer who had agreed to come with them for support. A part of him felt guilty for not sitting next to her, for not holding her hand like Melanie was doing. Yet his anxiety wouldn’t let him be still if his life depended on it. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Ohlin, we’re ready for you,” called the doctor.

Dead held his breath as the man called his name before following the older man into a smaller, more private, room. His hands shook as the door closed behind them. The room was small, almost like an office in a house. The walls were stark white with nothing but certificates and diplomas decorating a small portion of the back wall, yet there were no pictures or any signs of color to be found. Even the desk in front of them was void of any personal touch. The room had a dark energy about it, an energy that even Dead didn’t like. 

This wasn’t a room for good news at all.

His face lost all color as he hurriedly looked at the man. “You’re about to tell us something bad, aren’t you?”

The doctor sighed, motioning to the chairs in front of the desk. “Please, have a seat, Mr. and Mrs. Ohlin.”

Dead felt his breath stop once again at the mention of his name being called. No, not his name.  _ Hers. _ They had told the receptionist she was his wife, yet the sound of it being called out by someone other than him made it seem all the more real. And soon it would be. Soon she really would be his wife and take his name. The thought steadied him as he took hold of her hand, leading her over to the two black chairs. Once seated, the doctor took his seat behind the desk.

_ Doctor Thomas Grimstad.  _ Read the small nameplate.

“What’s this about?” he questioned, his voice now steady.

Grimstad sighed, shaking his head slowly. “I am not sure if you both were hoping for a child or not, but, tests have concluded that you are not with child, Mrs. Ohlin. I am also sorry to inform you, Mrs. Ohlin, that you appear to not be able to have children.”

Vanessa felt her heart drop into her stomach, her mouth opening and closing trying to find any words at all. She had always dreamt of having a baby, of having a family of her own. The world around her vanished, she could no longer feel Dead’s hand holding her own or the tears that ran freely down her cheeks. The voices of Doctor Grimstad and Dead sounded like she was hearing them underwater as they talked back and forth. Her hand reached up to her mouth, biting her finger Vanessa tried to contain her cries.

“I can’t...” she cried out, her other hand resting on her stomach.

Dead stopped mid sentence, looking beside him to see the broken hearted expression on Vanessa’s face. Sure, he hadn’t wanted to be a parent right now, but who was to say he would feel the same in the future? His heart felt heavy as he took her hand, unsure of what to say.

“Please,” he begged as he turned back to the doctor. “Tell us there’s something that can be done.”

Doctor Grimstad sighed. “Mr. Ohlin, please understand that medical science has only come so far. Perhaps one day there will be more answers than there are right now. That’s not to say that my diagnosis is one hundred percent correct. Your wife may very well be able to have a child in the future given some time. I’ve seen it a few times myself with previous patients. All you can do is hope and pray.”

“Pray? Praying won’t help her. If there were a God he wouldn’t do this to someone who would be a wonderful mother!”

“I understand this is difficult, Mr. Ohlin…”

“How could you possibly understand? You don’t know what she’s going through! Your job is to sit there and break the bad news to people but you don’t feel what they feel.”

“Pelle,” cried Vanessa as she squeezed his hand. “This isn’t going to help anything.”

Dead sighed, standing up from his seat. “Tack för ingenting.”

_ If I had known this would happen, I never would have told her I wasn’t ready. _

Dead eyes shut tightly as he tried not to think about it. He already felt bad enough that there wasn’t a damn thing he could do.

_ Maybe one day, when I’m not so fucked up, we could adopt. Maybe. _

Looking down beside him as they walk down the long white hall, Dead watched as the spark of joy that was normally in her eyes was now completely gone. Replaced by sorrow, her vibrant green eyes had seemed to darken. His heart broke at the sight. As they approached the waiting room, Melanie quickly rushed to Vanessa’s side, her smile now replaced with deep concern.

“Nessa,” she cooed. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

Vanessa sobbed harder as she choked on her words. “I...I’ll ne...never be a m...mother.”


	19. Chapter 19

Vanessa woke with a start, sweat dripping down her face as she looked around the familiar bedroom. Dead, who stood in front of his desk, turned and smiled at her before making his way over to the mattress.

“Another bad dream?” he questioned.

Vanessa nodded. “Yeah.”

Dead chuckled. “I know the feeling. Don’t worry too much about it, it was just a dream. Come on, Melanie and Hellhammer will be here soon to take us to the doctors office.”

“Pelle,” she whispered. “I had a dream that the doctor said I won’t ever be able to have kids.”

Dead’s smile fell as he brushed his thumb across her cheek. “Don’t worry, Ness, everything is gonna be okay.”

“I guess you wouldn’t be too worried about it; you don’t want kids.”

“Not right now I don’t. But that doesn’t mean things can change. I mean, look at me, Ness. I’m a walking clusterfuck! I can hardly take care of myself, let alone a kid right now. Right now yes, I hope you’re not pregnant but that’s because I want more time for us. I want us to be married as soon as possible and tour with the band with you. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that.”

Vanessa sighed, shaking her head. “No, you’re right, Pelle. It’s way too early for either of us to have a kid. I’m sorry I even said that to you.”

Forcing a half smile, Dead pulled Vanessa into his arms, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. Making his way back over to the desk, Dead picked up a small notebook and stuffed it in his back pocket. There wasn’t a solid date for their next show, but from what Euronymous had said when they were walking they would be going out of the country within the next couple of months so Dead need to get as much new material written as possible before then.

He watched from behind strands of hair as Vanessa got dressed for the day. His heart sped as he took her in; each time was like the first for him. He could never truly get his mind wrapped around the fact that the beautiful creature before him actually wanted him. His mouth dropped as he watched her pick up on of his Bathory shirts and slipped it over her head. She had only wore his shirt one other time and that was just in the middle of the night so she could run to the bathroom after they had just finished making love. His face burned at the memory of the last time they had made love. If he was bing completely honest it was probably the most intense they had ever been before.

His face continued to burn as her screams echoed in his mind, hoping he could hear them again sooner rather than later. Turning his attention to a random piece of paper, Dead tried to push the images out of his mind as he felt himself harden with each passing second. Try as he might, the memory kept playing in his mind like a movie, a low groan escaping him. His eyes darted over to where Vanessa stood in front of the mirror as she put on her makeup. Glancing down he checked the small clock on the desk. Melanie and Hellhammer probably wouldn’t be here for another half hour at the most. 

Silently making his way over to where she stood, he placed his hands on her hips kissing across her neck as he held her close.

“Pelle, what’s gotten into you?” she laughed.

Groaning, the blond pushed himself against her, letting her feel the problem for herself.

“I was thinking about last time,” he confessed. 

As soon as the words left his lips, the pieces all fell into place for Vanessa. “Aren’t we a little pressed for time?”

Dead growled, biting down on her neck. “We can be quick. I just need to feel you close to me again. When we make love it's like I can feel something change. Like, I can feel your love pouring out into my body.”

Vanessa blushed, trying her hardest to fight it. “Pelle, can’t you wait until tonight?”

Dead’s hand reached under the shirt, his nails scratching against her hip as he continued his assault on her neck.

“Is that what you want to do?”

Her mind flashed with the memory of his outstretched had the day they had met. The exact same words that instantly had her wrapped around his finger.

“No.”

Turning her to face him, Dead pressed his lips roughly against hers picking her up as he kissed her. Vanessa wrapped her legs around his slender waist, her fingers tangling themselves in his hair trying desperately to pull him closer, the taste of snus lingering on his tongue as he entered her mouth. His fingers dug deeper into her skin in a desperate attempt to pull her further into him, the fabric between them nearly driving him over the edge. He craved her in every possible way; from the soft kisses she gave him each day to just being able to feel her skin against his, he needed her more than he could describe.

Vanessa gasped as she tried her best to match Dead’s pace, eventually giving up and letting him take control. It wasn’t often that he took on a more dominant role when they were intimate, but when he did it was like being around a completely person. She cried out as he roughly bit and pulled on her lower lip, sitting her down on the desk as his hands made their way down her legs. Taking her own hand she pressed her palm against him, earning a low groan from the vocalist as she rubbed through his torn up jeans. Just as she started to undo the button on his jeans, Hellhammer called from downstairs.

Dead growled, the annoyance apparent in his eyes. “Can we finish this later?”

She smiled, rubbing her nose against his. “Pelle, do you really need to ask?”

“Always. I don’t want you to think this is all I want you for.”

“You’ve never made me feel like that. Now come on before Hellhammer breaks down the door.”


	20. Chapter 20

Dead tried to hold back his frustration, knowing that today was already going to be stressful enough as it was, but at the same time he wanted to be alone with her. They hadn’t gotten many chances to be by themselves with her working and him trying to write more songs to please Euronymous. He almost hated the guitarist for making him work so hard when the tour was still months away, but it was good for the band to get more exposure. 

Looking down into her eyes, Dead placed a chaste kiss on her lips before helping her off the desk as Hellhammer continued to call for them.

“We’re coming!” hollered Dead, opening the door with a scowl.

“Hurry up or we’re gonna be late!” Hellhammer scolded.

Vanessa sighed, shaking her head as she took Dead’s hand in an attempt to calm him. She knew how frustrated he was, how busy Euronymous was keeping him, and knew that she had been putting in longer hours at work; but it was almost entirely her fault. After her discussion with Euronymous he had become even more eager to begin his out of country tour. The extra hours she had been putting in would no doubt help with expenses for the shows, travel, and if everything worked out the way she had planned, she would be able to give Dead exactly what he wanted.

A part of her was racked with guilt. He had been trying to push her to go to the courthouse with him to sign the marriage papers, her new forged documents had been finished two days ago, yet she had to keep pushing it off. Every part of her wanted to run and sign the papers the moment he had the new documents in his hand, and every time it killed her to put it off when it was brought up. Eventually he would figure it all out, why she had to keep saying no right now, but until then she would just have to hope he didn’t give up on their relationship.

As they reached the living room, Vanessa couldn’t help but smirk at the sight of Melanie holding tightly to Hellhammer’s hand. 

_ About damn time. _

“You two ready?” exclaimed Melanie, a bright smile plastered across her face.

Dead nodded. “Let's get this over with.”

Melanie pouted. “Aren’t you excited, Pelle?”

Vanessa shook her head. “We both think a baby wouldn’t be a good idea right now. With everything going on and the band about to start touring it would just put everything to a screeching halt.”

“I guess you’re right. You two would have such cute kids though!”

“Oh, shut up,” grumbled Dead as he pushed past the two.

Vanessa couldn’t help but laugh at his reaction, noticing the tint of red that was creeping its way onto his usually pale cheeks. She knew the stress he was under; even she wanted this whole thing to be over with so they could go back to focusing on their relationship. Taking a glance behind her, she caught a glimpse of multiple travel papers thrown across the coffee table. Her heart jumped as her eyes landed on one specifically for Romania. So, Euronymous actually was going to help her. 

Pushing the thoughts to the back of her mind for now, Vanessa followed Melanie and Hellhammer out the front door where Dead stood with his hand in his hair. She wanted so badly to help him, to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that there wasn’t anything to worry about. Taking hold of his free hand, Dead looked down at her with a deep worry in his eyes.

“We need to go,” she whispered.

Dead nodded, giving her hand a gentle squeeze as they walked over to the waiting truck. Hellhammer sat in the front seat with Melanie beside him, music blasting through the speakers as Bathory played. The familiar music helped calm him a little as he and Vanessa climbed into the back seat. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm over Vanessa’s shoulder pulling her against his chest, his fingers running through her hair as Hellhammer pulled out of the driveway.

Keeping his voice just below a whisper, he turned to look at her. “Tell me something about your time.”

Vanessa looked up curiously. “What do you want to know?”

Dead shrugged. “Anything. You don’t ever talk about where you’re from. What’s it like?”

She paused, thinking long and hard about what to tell him. There were so many things that were different from this time. So much more violence in the world, children being murdered for no real reason while their parents stood by helplessly. A cruel world was all it had become and here she was trying to save him and bring him into it. Sure, there were a few decent changes in technology and transportation, but the bad seemed to always outweigh anything good.

Finally she settled to just talk about the few good things. “There’s hardly any cassette players anymore. People put them on their phones and take them wherever they go without any cords attached. The only real changes are just technology and things like that. Cars all look newer and more high end, some even drive themselves. Maybe when we get home I’ll charge my phone and let you play around with it and show you how it all works.”

Dead listened as she continued to talk about the advances of the world, some of it things he had seen on television and other nothing like what he had thought. Part of him had expected cars to be flying at that point in time. He wanted to press further, to ask more questions about what things were like. Had all the fighting finally stopped? Would people like him finally be accepted without judgement? 

_ You know the answer to that. _

There was no way that peace had come to the world. People were bound to be just as cruel as they were now, there was no solution to human nature. The only real positive was that black metal was something people wanted more of; something that was going to finally grow into something bigger. But what if Mayhem didn’t take off like she said it would?

_ What if our deaths are the only thing that will bring us success? If Euronymous and I live will Mayhem be the same? _

The thought bothered him every time it ran through his mind. If he were to die, it would be the starting point of Mayhem’s future and lead up to Varg murdering Euronymous. An electric shock ran through his body at the image of Varg. Something about him didn’t seem right. The feeling whenever he was around was almost tense, like he was already plotting all of their deaths. Whatever his reason for killing Euronymous, Dead knew it was most likely well deserved.

He tried to focus on Vanessa as she talked happily to Melanie and Hellhammer, her voice sounding as though he were hearing a faint whisper from miles away. His eyes stared straight ahead yet focused on nothing as his mind began to think of everything and nothing at the exact same time.

_ Why won’t she say yes anymore? She seemed so excited to get married before, now it’s like she wants no part in it. What did I fuck up? _

Trying his hardest to push the recurring thought from his mind, Dead couldn’t help the response that came from inside.

_ What didn’t you fuck up? That’s a better question.  _

_ I don’t think I’ve done anything. I’ve been trying… _

_ But is it enough? Are  _ you _ enough? _

His heart sank deep into the depths of his stomach, suddenly feeling nauseous. Was he enough? Was anything he did  _ really _ enough? Sure he had done his best for the band, writing songs when he was able to, but he hadn’t been able to really spend much time with her anymore. She worked harder, longer hours, giving Euronymous almost every cent while putting the rest away in a small box she kept next to the bed. He had pretended not to notice the small box, acting as if he didn’t see her put the money into it every week.

_ Maybe she’s saving up to leave. _

_ No. She promised she wouldn’t leave me... not again. _

_ Promises don’t mean shit. You should know better. _

There was no arguing with that. Dead had had more than one promise broken in his lifetime. People who he believed he could trust turning against him, those who didn’t even know him leaving him on the bittersweet brink of death. Even his brother had broken his share of promises. Who was he to think that she would stay with him if she was unhappy? Granted, if she left him then he probably would end it all just to cope with the loss, but he wanted so badly to believe that she was different; that she would keep her promise. Clinging to the last remaining shred of hope he had left, he forced himself out of his head, focusing on the conversation she was having; something about a black dress she needed Melanie to help her with.

He smiled to himself as the image of a long black dress flashed through his mind once again. While normally it was the woman who often fantasized about her wedding day, Dead couldn’t help the feeling he got whenever he imagined it all playing out. If she did marry him he would keep his promise of giving her a grand wedding ceremony. The more he thought about it, the more he pictured it being in front of a large audience at one of their shows. If they got as big as she said, it would be something to remember for sure. Having her walk down a long isle, everyone marveling at her as she made her way to a stage underneath a full moon just after he made the surprise announcement.

The crowd would cheer, watching as they said their vows to one another for the whole world to see. He would be in his corpse paint, standing before her as he married his beloved angel. A small chuckle escaped as he pictured a corpse marrying an angel, someone believed to be damned to a life of misery finally being happy for once in his life as he gave his soul away under a freezing moon.


	21. Chapter 21

Vanessa groaned loudly as she shifted uncomfortably in her chair once more. They had been sitting in the waiting room over an hour waiting for the doctor to come and get them. She watched as Dead wrote down more lyrics around a drawing he had done in the first half hour they had been sitting there. While she couldn’t see all of the picture, she could almost make out what looked like a Victorian style house with something written above it. She almost wished he would go to art school like he wanted, be a comic book designer and make something with his art.

Resting her head against his shoulder, she closed her eyes as she took in his scent. Something about just being so close to him calmed her, knowing that if she were to touch him he wouldn’t vanish into thin air like in her dreams. It scared her to death, the thought of this all being one big dream. True it hadn’t really been that long since she had been here with him, hell there were things she still didn’t really know about him, but she knew she loved him. Through everything she had ever read about him, had seen about him for herself, had her loving him even more.

He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he tried his hardest to let her in; tried to let down his guard around her. She would have been lying if she said it didn’t frustrate her every now and then how defensive he could be or how his anger came out all at once, but then she remembered the life he had. Euronymous treated him like complete crap, he had moved away from his family for the band, and was almost killed. She couldn’t expect it all to go away just because they were together.

Nuzzling against his neck, she watched as he put the notebook into his jacket pocket before wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Her gaze shifted over to Melanie and Hellhammer, both of them quietly reading some books from the table beside them. Vanessa couldn’t help but smile at the sight. She knew Melanie practically adored the drummer, and there was very little doubt that he didn’t feel the same; she was happy for the two of them. Maybe they would get married one day and have kids.

“Pardon me,” started a man as he approached them. “My name is Dr. Henrik Vignes, are you Mr. and Mrs. Ohlin?”

Dead forced a smile as nodded. “Yes.”

“Excellent, please follow me and I will inform you of the results.”

Vanessa stiffened as they followed the dark haired man down the hallway, her mind wondering if she was about to be told the news she feared the most.

Thankfully, the room they entered wasn’t nearly as emotionless as the one she had seen in her nightmares. The walls, instead of stark white, were painted in a soft blue with various pictures decorating each of the walls along with a few degrees hung behind the very cluttered desk. 

“Please excuse the mess,” Vignes apologized. “It has been a very hectic day and I have not had much time to finish my paperwork. Have a seat!”

Leading her over to one of the dark grey chairs, Vanessa and Dead sat down.

“Now, I know how this must feel right now being taken into a more private area. I assure you that this is not a negative conversation, I simply value the privacy of each of my patients. Now then, Mrs. Ohlin, the tests have all concluded that you are not pregnant. I do, however, recommend being a bit safer going forward. Were either of you expecting anything different today?”

Vanessa quickly shook her head. “This is actually what we were hoping to hear. Neither of us are in the right place to have kids right now and my...husband is about to start touring with his band soon, so this is good news.”

Dead nodded in agreement, letting out the breath he had been holding in. “Thank you, Dr. Vignes.”

“My pleasure. Please, if there’s anything I can do for you, don’t hesitate to call my office.”

~

Melanie pouted as the four of them sat in the diner, playfully scolding Vanessa for not having a baby.

“I’m telling you, you two would make the  _ cutest _ kids!” she continued to argue.

Vanessa rolled her eyes for the upteeth time, almost annoyed. “Again, maybe one day, Mel, but now just isn’t the time. Besides, I still need to get some stuff done. Speaking of which, how’s my order coming?”

Dead listened intently, tuning out whatever Hellhammer had been talking about to listen to Melanie.

“It should be ready in time. Maybe a few more weeks at the most. Are you sure it’s what you want for that sort of thing though? I mean, it’s not very... usual.”

Vanessa smirked. “That’s exactly why I want it that way. I’m not trying to do something usual. Just let me know when it’s all done.”

_ Let her know when what’s done? Why is she keeping secrets from me now? _

“So what new lyrics have you gotten so far?” questioned Hellhammer.

Dead shook his head, pulling out the notebook he had taken with them. “I’ve gotten a couple songs written down, but I’m not sure how many I’ll be able to do that will actually be good.”

“Don’t stress too much over how many, just make enough for a set or two and we can mix it up and each location. Have you shown these to Euronymous yet?”

“Eh, no, I was going to wait until we started getting ready to practice. Besides, he’s been busy calling venues and shit.”

Turning his attention back to Vanessa, he tried to piece together what she was planning. It wasn’t some kind of occasion that he knew of, and it wasn’t like they hadn’t toured before. Very few possibilities came to mind, making him all the more nervous. Trying his best to focus on the positives, he tried to focus more on what he was going to do when they were finally alone. Euronymous was supposed to be leaving for the night to go see a girl, which gave them the whole house to themselves.

He shuddered, the anticipation building up inside him as he struggled to control himself. It was a strange new feeling to him that felt as though a switch had been flipped inside his body after their very first time. The closeness, the feel of her against him, all of it simply intoxicating. But what drove him to the point of madness was the feel of her love pouring into him as he gave her every last bit of his condemned soul. He had never cared for anything physical before he met her, never truly cared to know what it felt like to be with another person in that sense. No one had ever made him feel anything for them; except her.

Maybe it was simply because he craved someone to finally understand him, to be able to love him despite his flaws that made him fall in love with her so quickly. She had been the only person, besides his family, that truly acted as though she cared about him. Sure, they had their share of arguments, but it was never something that he would ever let ruin what he felt for her. All she had to do was say the word and he would give her whatever her heart desired at a moments notice. 

_ Is it even normal to feel like this so quickly? Even Melanie and Hellhammer don’t act like we do. _

He wanted to believe that there was nothing wrong with how he felt, wanted to believe that this was how it was supposed to feel...but what if he was just trying to fill the void? What if he didn’t love her like he thought he did? 

_ No! No. I love her. I don’t want to be with anyone else but her.  _

_ Why? Because she makes you feel special? You aren’t in love with her, you just think you are. _

Dead could feel his throat begin to close, the space around him feeling as though it were constricting with each second. He needed to get out of here, needed to get some air.

“Excuse me,” he muttered as he left the table in a hurry.

Vanessa watched with worried eyes as he exited the building, standing to follow him until Hellhammer motioned for her to stay.

“I’ll talk to him.”

Making his way to where Dead stood against the brick wall he pulled out a cigarette.

“What’s going on, man?” he questioned as he lit the end.

Dead tugged at his hair, pacing back and forth. “I don’t fucking know anymore. One minute I’m fine and the next my mind is telling me I don’t really love her, that I just think I do ‘cause I’m trying to fill a damn void.”

Hellhammer listened as Dead continued to vent, telling him everything from the beginning up until now. Dead had to stop a few times in order to catch himself for telling Hellhammer about where Vanessa had really come from. As he talked, Dead could feel the pieces fall more into place. It wasn’t completely clear, but his feelings for her were reassured.

“Sounds to me like you just need to stop listening to the bullshit your head is telling you. If you didn’t really love her, you wouldn’t be so freaked out. Trust me, you’ve got nothing to worry about. I do need to ask you something though.”

“Yes?”

Pulling out a picture from his pocket, Hellhammer handed it to Dead. Dead froze as he looked at the small black diamond ring in the photo with two small red stones on either side of it.

“You like it?” questioned Hellhammer.

Dead quickly nodded. “Yes. It would be perfect for her. How much is it?”

“I’ve got a friend that made it. I can get a good price on it, maybe eighty dollars at the most. I know it’s expensive, but I wanted to help you out.”

“Thank you. How can I repay you?”

Hellhammer shook his head, smiling as he put a hand on Dead’s shoulder. “Just focus on the positives. Now come on, she’s worried about you.”

Following Hellhammer back into the building, Dead couldn’t help the smile that was now stuck to his face. He could have his own secret; his own surprise for her. And he knew exactly how and where he was going to do it.


	22. Chapter 22

Dead watched silently as Vanessa stepped into the bathroom to take a shower, trying to restrain himself from taking her the moment they had gotten into the house. His fingers danced around the edges of the small box Hellhammer had given him after he dropped them off. Tearing off the top of the box, Dead grabbed one of the small packets from inside before tossing the box onto the floor and making his way across the hallway to the bathroom.

His stomach tightened as he quietly opened the door, the growing pain in his lower half starting to become unbearable as he listened to the soft hum of her voice, completely unaware he was in the room. It was almost unreal...the way she could make him a crumbling mess just by being in his presence. A world so full of chaos, stress, and anger suddenly melted away like snow in a desert when she was near him, as if the world finally made sense.

Silently stripping out of his clothes, careful not to make a sound, Dead pulled open the shower curtain, the boiling water touching his skin. The feeling almost made him pull back until his eyes landed on her. Stepping into the shower completely, Dead reached his arms around her, smiling as she turned around in his arms.

The fear in her eyes was quickly replaced with their usual joy. “Pelle…”

Putting a finger against her lips, Dead silenced her; the silence that surrounded them one he didn’t want to let go of. Keeping her eyes locked with his she took hold of his hand, giving each finger a feather light kiss. His eyes closed as his left hand gripped her tighter, fighting off the overwhelming urge to pull her out of the small room and back to the bedroom. No, this was enough for the Swede...to be able to be alone with her in complete silence as the hot water cascaded down his back.

Her hands moved to his shoulders, massaging them as she watched him relax under her touch. The tension in his body was evident, sleeping on a mattress on the floor did little favors for him. Maybe after the tour she could start putting away more money to be able to afford a small space for the both of them to live in with a proper bed. She wondered if his joining Mayhem to begin with contributed to some of the stress he was constantly under.

Euronymous certainly hadn’t exactly helped to make him feel more comfortable after he moved here, not to mention the lack of money and food they dealt with on a regular basis unless Hellhammer or Necro managed to cook something.

_ Don’t focus on all that.  _ She scolded herself.  _ Focus on him, focus on what’s happening now. _

Vanessa pushed against the vocalist, motioning for him to turn around so his back faced her. Her breathing stopped for an instant as she took in the dozens of scars that decorated his back. Fingers lightly running across one that ran down the length of his spine, stopping just above his pelvic bone, she stepped closer to him, pressing her lips against his shoulder blade. His hands reached for hers as he turned back around, his blond hair now sticking to the sides of his face.

Vanessa couldn’t help but wish she could freeze time at that moment. Somehow it felt as though she were seeing him for the first time all over again. Only this time, every ounce of innocence, vulnerability, sadness, and fear was written across his face like an open book. A side of him that no one had ever truly gotten to know before his death; at least no one that wasn’t his family. Yet then again, how much did he show them? Was he ever this open with them, or was he just good at putting on a mask to keep them from worrying about him? Whatever they case, she considered herself lucky to be able to witness it for herself.

Vanessa was the first to break the silence. “You are the most amazing, most incredible, beautiful being I’ve ever met, Pelle. Don’t ever let anyone make you believe otherwise.”

Blinking away the water in his eyes, Dead tightened his hold on her. “I love you, and I’m terrified. I have never been so...so weak in front of another person before.”

“Pelle, you don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

“I trust you.”

~

Dead could feel the heat rise inside his chest all the way down to his stomach as he fought the urge to throw the strange device out into the snow. The  _ music _ as she called it sounded worse than anything he had ever heard before, plunging a knife into his eardrums would have been better than listening to this woman continue her so called singing. How Vanessa could actually enjoy the abomination was a mystery to him, yet here she was swaying her hips and singing along with the awful woman. Looking down at the device in his hands, Dead tried desperately to remember exactly how to change the music. She had shown him at least four times already but had left him to figure it out on his own now in order to get more used to the cursed thing.

_ It’s going out the window if I can’t figure this shit out. What the hell happened to music? _

Pushing a small button on the upper left side, the device turned back on displaying the screen that showed what ‘song’ was playing. Tapping on one of the arrows, the dreadful noise stopped as it skipped to the next song. Dead smirked triumphantly, proud that he had managed to get the stupid thing to finally turn back on after almost five minutes. His smirk quickly fell as a familiar tune filled the room.

_ It can’t be…  _

“ _ ...Where the fuck is your fear of death? _ ”

_ These lyrics, they’re  _ mine! 

His head jerked up, looking at Vanessa she looked over at him.

“This song is my absolute favorite,” she laughed. “It always put me into such a good mood when the ending came on. I always wondered what kind of faces were being made when they made that part.”

Dead forced a laugh, the memory of recording that song fresh in his mind. The ending of the song had been something he had come up with out of boredom, nothing to really be taken seriously, but it had been funny enough that they ended up keeping it on the track. Morbid had been one of his prized projects, something that he could call his many moons ago; at least until he had heard about Mayhem.

Wanting so badly to impress the guitarist, he left Morbid behind and acted as though they had meant nothing to him even though that was the furthest thing from the truth. Maybe if he had stayed in Sweden with them he wouldn’t be stuck in what felt like Hell with Euronymous. He would have been home with his brother, people who cared about him instead of putting him down and trying to steal what belongs to him. Maybe he would have even still been alive.

_ But if that were the case, would I have met her? _

His mind almost couldn’t comprehend the thought of such a small decision making such a drastic change. Maybe it wasn’t too late to go back to Morbid. Vanessa was here now, they could go back to Sweden and live with his parents, and he could reform Morbid while going to art school part time. His parents would welcome both of them with open arms if it meant he would come back home, they expressed their concern for him in almost every letter they wrote to him.

Yes.

Once this tour with Mayhem was over, he would tell Euronymous he was done and take Vanessa back home with him. If Mayhem was to be as successful as she believed they would be with him, then Euronymous could figure out how to do it without him. The guitarist may have changed how he behaved as of late, but that didn’t make up for all the times he had tormented him, had made him feel completely worthless unless he came up with dozens of new songs at a time. Hellhammer and Necro would understand his decision, they had seen how Euronymous had treated him. He just needed to hold out a little while longer...then he could be free.


	23. Chapter 23

Euronymous growled, half tempted to tear up the papers in front of him and forget about this whole tour. Out of the dozens of places he called, none of which were going to be cheap, only six locations agreed to host their show. To pull any of this cursed plan off he would need to get at least another four locations to agree to this if it was going to even be worth the time and money. Granted he wanted to keep his promise to Vanessa and help her, but there had to be some benefit for the band as well.

“Hey.”

_ Speak of the devil… _

His gaze remained focused on his papers. “Where’s Dead?”

“Taking a shower,” she answered as she walked over to where he sat. “How’s everything going?”

Euronymous tossed down the paper in his hand, looking over at her. “I’ve got to get at least another six, hell maybe even five, more people to agree to host us otherwise it isn’t going to be worth the trip.”

“I need this to work, Euronymous,” she pleaded.

“It’s not like I’m not trying here, but you gotta see this from my end. If I can’t get us gigs then this isn’t gonna work. I get what you’re wanting to do and I wanna help but this was supposed to be good for both of us. Remember?”

Vanessa scowled. “There’s got to be something more we can do to get people to say yes.”

“Well if you’ve got any suggestions I’m waiting to hear them.”

Vanessa sat on the floor, trying to think of any possible way to find more locations. “I wish I could think of something. I know we can’t say we can play for free because that won’t help anything.”

“Wouldn’t say that even if it mattered. I don’t play for free.”

“I’m at a loss, Øystein. I just know I need this to work.”

~

Dead stood on the top of the staircase, straining to hear more of the conversation between the two of them. He wondered what was so important that she needed Euronymous to help her before she even asked him for help. Weren’t they supposed to figure out problems together?

“I’m at a loss, Øystein,” he herard. “I just know I need this to work. He’s already asking why I keep putting off getting married and I just feel worse lying to him like this.”

_ No… She wouldn’t lie to me…She promised she wouldn’t hurt me…  _

He could hear Euronymous groan. “Don’t worry about Dead; he’ll get over it soon enough. I’ll get it all figured out and once I do the wedding can go on as planned as long as we can keep him in the dark long enough to even pull it off.”

_ Wedding? What wedding? Is this what she’s been saving up for? She’s getting married to Euronymous! _

Dead struggled to keep himself upright, feeling as though he was about to throw up at the thought of her marrying Euronymous.

_ She was supposed to be my bride…  _

_ She lied to you. Why would she want to marry you? It should have been obvious she was hiding something from you! Think about it! She’s been putting money away that you’re not supposed to know about and was asking her friend about some kind of special order. How dumb are you to not notice the signs? _

_ She was supposed to marry me… I gave her my heart…  _

The sudden pain in his chest intensified as he envisioned her marrying another man. He had tried his hardest to be what she believed him to be, tried every day not to hurt himself or anyone else for that matter. He had opened himself up to her in every possible way, hell, he had given his soul to her the first time they had made love together. 

_ Did it mean nothing to her? _

Stepping into the bedroom, not wanting to hear any more, he tried to figure out where he had gone so wrong. Where had he pushed her into  _ his _ arms? Sure there were times he was hard to deal with and his emotions had gotten out of control, but was he that bad of a person that she wanted to leave him for someone like Euronymous? Walking to his desk, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and began to write his note. If she wanted to be with Euronymous then who was he to keep her from being happy? Who was he to stand in their way?

_ Who am I to hope someone so perfect could ever truly love me? _

His hand shook as he scribbled down as much as his heart could take, the tears he so desperately fought back now falling freely onto the paper below him. None of it made sense, he only hoped that maybe she would be able to make out some of his jumbled, messy sentences. Some of the words he couldn’t even begin to make out. Part of him could have cared less if she could understand a damn word he wrote, he wanted her to feel the pain he felt...if she even felt anything for him anymore. Trembling as he set down the pen, Dead took a final glance at his note. The anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach intensified, making him feel as though he would be sick at any moment.

_ You can be sick later.  _ He scolded.  _ We need to leave before she has a chance to try and change your mind. _

Opening the window beside the desk Dead took a last look at the room, reliving each memory he had of the woman he thought was his forever. Turning out onto the roof of the house Dead quietly shut the window before climbing down the side of the house. So far he hadn’t made any sound that would give him away, or at least he hoped he didn’t. His hands wrapped tightly around his waist and squeezed, much like their insides seemed to be doing to themselves. Wave after wave of cramps was all he felt and all he could think of. For a moment he thought about just giving in to the pain, letting it consume him completely as there seemed to be no way out. To crawl back into that damned house and beg for her to stay with him. He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. Perhaps if he could shift their focus away from the pain it'd be easier to manage.

Fighting through the pain was becoming increasingly difficult, but above all else it became increasingly annoying to have to deal with. But sick of having to deal with all this he decided to simply refuse to acknowledge the pain and get on with this as best he could. Once he was at the train station he would use the little bit of money he had he would call his family and ask them if he could come home. There was little doubt in his mind that his family would say no to his coming home, but he had hoped to have Vanessa with him when he did go back. To show them all the woman he had made his bride. He only hoped that Euronymous would treat her like the goddess she was… 

~

“Forget it,” she cried. “This plan will work better if he knows why I’m putting this off so often. I’m just gonna tell him and get it over with so he doesn’t worry.”

Euronymous nodded. “Probably for the best. I know you wanted it to be a surprise but Dead can be insanely paranoid about almost everything. I’ll keep trying to get places booked so we can still get it together, even if it's just a couple more we should at least break even.”

“Whatever you can do would be great. I’m gonna go tell Pelle.”

Rushing to the stairs Vanessa made her way up to the bedroom, confused as to why Dead was nowhere to be found. Her eyes scanned the room, trying to find any sign of him. Walking over to the window, she glanced outside to see if she could see any sign of the blond. Looking down, her eyes landed on a scribbled out note.

** _I’m sorry for whatever it was I’ve done wrong. All I wanted was to make you happy, to make you my wife and believe that maybe my life could be something more...To believe I had a chance at being happy with someone who really loved me. I thought you were that person, but given what I heard between you and Euronymous about getting married, I can see that you’re no longer in love with me and want to marry him. If that’s really what you want I will not stand in your way. I’m going home to think over my existence, Mayhem will find another vocalist in time. I will always love you…_ **

** _Dead_ **

Her heart dropped, her body shaking as she ran down the stairs with the note in hand. 

“Pelle’s gone!” she cried.

Euronymous looked up from his papers. “Did he go on another walk?”

“He thinks I want to marry  _ you _ !”

Handing the note to the guitarist, Euronymous quickly scanned it, his eyes widening.

“Shit,” he muttered. “Call Hellhammer and Necro. I guess we’re going to Sweden.”


	24. Chapter 24

Dead closed his eyes as his head rested against the cold window, trying to ignore the screams of the two children that kept running up and down the aisle of the train as it took him closer to what he once considered home. His heart, though still pumping blood through him, felt as though it had stopped beating completely. The joy he once felt had left him with nothing but a hollow emptiness that he thought he wouldn’t feel again.

Memories danced through his mind as he tried to forget her, telling himself that he would feel better if he just moved on and forgot it all. But even he knew deep down that there would be no forgetting her. Of all the people he had forgotten over the years after just not caring, she had been the only one he had shown himself to. She knew nearly everything about him from his biggest fears to what he dreamt of doing in the future. Things he had hoped to be doing with her… 

His eyes opened, watching the trees passing as they moved. His body continued to tremble, the nauseous feeling intensifying with each passing second as he wondered what she was doing now. Had she even noticed he had left? Or was she still making arrangements with Euronymous? 

_ No. I don’t want to know. I just want this to be over. Who am I to think that I stood a chance against Euronymous? _

Shutting his eyes again, Dead tried to tune out the voice. All he wanted was to sleep, or at the very least to wake up from what felt like some horrible nightmare. He wanted to wake up in his room with Vanessa smiling beside him as he held her against him. He wanted to be everything she believed him to be, to not have so many demons in his head urging him to just kill himself. 

His brother had sounded worried when he had called to tell them he would be coming home. Not wanting to discuss any of the details over the phone, Dead had simply told his brother that things were not working out the way he had hoped and to tell their parents he would be coming home. It had taken every bit of strength he had left to not break down and tell his brother everything that he had heard and how broken he felt. Letting out a short breath, Dead tried his best to fall asleep once more, hoping he would wake up from this nightmare and back in her arms.

~

Euronymous stared intently as Vanessa explained what had made Dead run off. Both Necro and Hellhammer were on board for bringing him home before the tour began, but Euronymous was plagued by one simple question that had been on his mind from day one. If she could answer him truthfully, he would have no issue in going with her to find Dead. After all, he still had the package Dead had sent them before he came. Without that, well, good luck to her.

“How did you two meet?” he snapped.

Vanessa went silent as she turned to Euronymous. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Euronymous shrugged. “It doesn’t. But keep in mind I have the address to Dead’s house so if you want to find him easily then I suggest you answer me.”

Necro shook his head. “Why are you so bothered by this?”

“Because it doesn’t add up! For weeks we had to hear about some woman in his dreams as if she were real then, out of nowhere,  _ she _ shows up and he never mentions it again. How do you go from being obsessed with something like that to acting like it was nothing?!”

The two rolled their eyes. “You’re being stupid,” laughed Hellhammer.

“It’s because I’m from the future,” she cried out.

The three looked at her as if they were about to laugh. 

“You can’t seriously think I believe that,” Euronymous scoffed.

“It’s true. I came back to save you and Pelle from dying. I didn’t think that things would end up the way they did, but if you don’t believe me I can show you the same proof I showed Pelle.”

Pulling out her cell phone from her back pocket, she tossed it onto the table in front of Euronymous. Looking down at it, Euronymous picked it up and began to examine it. Coming closer to take a look at it, Necro and Hellhammer began watching as Euronymous turned it on.

“Start explaining,” he growled.

Vanessa sighed, shaking her head. “Where do I begin?”

“What happened to us that was so bad?”

“Pelle killed himself. You found him after you had come home and took pictures to make it an album cover saying it would make you famous. Not long after he died you were murdered by Varg after a falling out over some money. Mayhem was never really the same after that. The only real fame it had was riding on your deaths. I had heard Pelle’s story and hoped that maybe I could show him that someone truly did care about him and that maybe I could save him. Neither of you should have died.”

“Wait,” Euronymous shook his head. “You’re saying Varg kills me? The guy I’ve had over to the house?”

Vanessa nodded. “As long as he gets what he wants from you I don’t think he would kill you. Either way, I’ve answered your question. Can we please go find Pelle now?”

Hellhammer shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. “What year did you even come from?”

“I’m from mid 2012. Look, right now it doesn’t matter where or when I came from, I just want to get Pelle back.”

Euronymous stood from his seat. “I can’t say I completely believe all of this, but if what you’re saying is true then I guess we should get going. We  _ will _ be talking more about this later."

Vanessa scowled, ready for this conversation to be done with. "We can talk about whatever you want just take me to Pelle, Euronymous."

Making his way over to the phone, Euronymous looked up the number for the train station to reserve the tickets for the four of them. As he talked to the man at the station, he could hear Necro and Hellhammer almost scolding Vanessa for keeping her secret for so long. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't decide if he completely trusted her anymore.

It would have been one thing if she had just outright told them what was going on, maybe then he wouldn't have been so harsh with her, but the fact that she had kept it a secret from everyone but Dead... _ that _ bothered him. Secrets were one thing Euronymous couldn't stand. Vera had even known better than to keep secrets from him.

Glancing over to where the three of them sat, Euronymous let out a deep sigh. There was no denying he still had feelings towards Vanessa, but he knew it would never be something she’d return. He wanted her, badly, but he had promised both of them he would leave it alone. Maybe when this was all over and they brought Dead home it would give him some kind of redemption.

“Let's go,” he stated as he hung the phone up. “The next train leaves in an hour so we need to move our asses.”


	25. Chapter 25

The cold numbed him as he stood in front of the door of the house, his stomach turning furiously inside him. He reached out, fingers twitching in the freezing wind as he hesitated. He didn’t want to go in just yet, didn’t want to be right in his suspicions. Yet as he reached out for the doorknob, his fingers twitching and shaking in the freezing wind, Dead opened the door where the sounds of her heavy screams filled his ears.

It was the kind of scream he had become familiar with...he had made her make those same screams for him many times before during their love making. Each scream, every moan, and every cry sent a chill down his spine as he walked slowly towards the bottom of the staircase. His trembling hand clung to the railing as he tried to steady himself enough to begin up the stairs. His legs carried him up the stairs, but it felt as though some force around him pushed him forward despite his internal protests.

No. 

This wasn’t something he was ready to see. He didn’t  _ want _ to see it. The thought alone was enough to make his heart explode. He wanted to wake up from this nightmare…

_ Please don’t...not her...not... _ him…

The door to what used to be their room opened on its own, the screams ever louder as his eyes clamped shut, trying to tune out the voice he craved so much. He could hear her cry out, just as she always had done when he made love to her…

But it wasn’t his name she called...no...not this time…

“Øystein!” she called.

His heart shattered, eyes snapping open with tears flowing hot down his cheeks. The sight before him made it hurt even more so as he watched Euronymous touch and pleasure the woman he loved.

“Stop this…” he begged, but no sound left his lips as he sank to the floor.

Vanessa smiled as she clung tightly to Euronymous as he filled her, his own moans of pleasure mixing with hers as they kissed in front of him.

“Stop this…”he begged once more.

_ It isn’t real! Wake up! Wake! Up! NOW! _

Dead shot up in his seat, the sweat dripping from his head as he looked around. A deep sigh of relief escaped him as he leaned back once more. It had only been a nightmare.

_ Thank God…  _

“Vi ska anlända till Sverige om tjugo minuter!” came a deep males voice from over the speaker.

_ I’ll be home soon…  _

The train would be arriving in twenty minutes and Dead dreaded the thought of returning home already. The emptiness inside him had begun to manifest into something more familiar; anger. Anger towards someone he had once considered a friend who had now gone so far as to stab him in the back and steal away his one chance at happiness, someone who he had hoped he  _ could  _ trust once more after everything they had been through. He had wanted to believe Euronymous had changed, that he meant what he said about staying out of his relationship. He hated the guitarist now more than he ever hated anyone in his life. 

His anger for Vanessa was not nearly as bitter. There was no denying that the blonde loved her still with all his soul, but the hurt she had put into him was not something he would easily forgive. He had given her every last part of him only to have it thrown away like old trash. He had even stopped cutting himself for her! The last bit of control he had over himself and he gave it up just so she wouldn’t worry about him.

_ Fuck it.  _ He thought harshly.  _ If I want to bleed then I will. Let her be happy with that backstabbing mother fucker. See if I give a shit. _

He sighed.  _ You know you give a shit. You should have stayed and fought for her. Showed her you were better than Euronymous instead of running like a damned coward. _

Should he have stayed? Was it worth the fight? Euronymous wasn’t big by any means but he knew Dead wasn’t much of a fighter. The beating he had given the man in the club was the first time he had ever really fought someone, but even that was just out of pure anger and adrenaline. Dead highly doubted he would win in a fight with the guitarist with his heart so badly broken. And even if he  _ did _ somehow manage to win, would she even want him then? Just because he fought doesn’t mean it would win her back. She was no prize to be won in a contest and he knew that, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to win her heart again.

The train slowed to a stop at the station, his already pounding heart speeding up as he caught a glimpse of his mother and brother. The two both wore bright smiles on their faces as they eagerly awaited his return. None of his family had wanted him to go and join Mayhem in the first place, his father wanting to send him to art school instead while he continued playing with Morbid. Well, if he had the time to still be playing with them.

His eyes fell to the floor as he stood from his seat, walking slowly forward with the other passengers following behind. His eyes burned as the light shined down onto the snow covered ground, the pain almost unbearable, yet almost comforting. Forcing himself to keep his eyes open, Dead savored the pain it gave him trying hard to feel anything at this point other than the tortuous hurting inside his chest.

His mother was the first to greet him as he stepped off the train. 

“Pelle!” she called out as she ran to him. 

Dead could only half listen as his mother pulled him along, talking about people she had been talking to, what the family had been doing, amongst other things he didn’t much care for. It seemed as though she hadn’t noticed that Dead wasn’t listening to what she was saying as she continued to talk while his brother Anders joined in. Dead wanted to scream then and there, wanted to turn around and run back onto the train before it left and beg Vanessa to reconsider everything...His body remained on auto-pilot as he followed his mother and brother to the car that would soon take him home. 

_ No...Not home…  _ He thought, shaking his head.  _ Home is with  _ her _ ...Home is in her arms where I belong…But she doesn’t want me anymore… _

Maybe, just maybe, one day she would come back to him...maybe one day she would love him again.


	26. Chapter 26

The drive was spent with his mother and brother trying their hardest to talk to him, trying to pry it out of him why he had come home so much more depressed than before after all the letters he had written them about finally being happy. His brother at one point or another seemed to take the hint that Dead really didn’t want to talk about it, but his mother continued to push ever harder.

“You’ll feel better if you talk, sweetheart,” she continued to press.

Dead shook his head as he continued to look out the window. “Nej.”

Her brow furrowed as she continued to push him. “Pelle, I would like to know what is bothering you so much. You cannot keep things inside.”

Choosing to ignore her for the moment, Dead tried to steady his frantically racing mind. There wasn’t a single thought in his mind that didn’t revolve around her, around them. She had been his first for so many things in his life, the first person to truly make him feel alive once again. It was almost funny how the one who had given him a reason to live was now the reason why he wanted to die once again.

_ No. It’s not her fault. Euronymous must have turned her against me!  _

_ How stupid are you? You heard them yourself! She’s planning on marrying him! _

The internal argument continued to rage as they drew closer to what used to be his home. He didn’t want to be here, not really. If anything, he wanted to just start walking into the forest, not knowing where he was going and simply lose himself in the wilderness. It wouldn’t be that hard to do. With any luck he would die from hypothermia before he had the chance to do anything himself. His fingers played with the knife in his pocket, the blade cutting his finger the moment he ran it across.

Dead almost smiled at the familiar sensation, his eyes closing as he reveled in the pain. His heart rate began to pick up as he continued cutting into his fingers, the blood slowly seeping into the pocket of his jacket. Taking a careful glance from under his hair to make sure his mother and Anders weren’t watching, he slipped the knife into his other hand before dragging it down his wrist to the palm of his hand.

His head fell back as the blood pooled in his hand. The throbbing pain from the wound was enough to disorient him. Hazy, confused and weak his vision went blurry as tears once again filled his eyes. For a moment he focused on the pain, honing in on every sensation. Where it came from, how badly it hurt and how badly he wanted it to continue.

It was difficult to focus between the moments of pain and the voices telling him to stop what he was doing, but he pressed onward. For now the pain was manageable. Annoying, but manageable. As he dug the blade deeper inside his skin, careful not to do any real damage to himself, he savored each moment of agonizing pain as he tried to shut out all thoughts of  _ her. _ People could keep their drugs and alcohol, but this, this feeling here, this was his high; his release.

All too soon the car stopped in front of the house he had once called home. If he was quick enough he might be able to sneak back to his room and clean off the blood before anyone noticed. There were probably still some bandages up in the bathroom, Anders had told him that no one had touched his room since he left except to dust things off every month or so. If that was the case then he would be fine.

_ You’re playing a dangerous game. _

No. Not a game anymore.

_ Fuck it. I don’t care who sees me like this. I don’t care anymore. I never should have from the beginning. _

Pulling himself together, he followed his mother and brother out of the car and into the house. It had changed since he had last been home. The once carpeted floor had been updated to a dark wooden floor with smaller rugs in the living room and dining room areas, it was a nice change that finally matched, what Dead always called, the ugly orange walls. Thankfully when they redid the floor they darkened up the orange, making it a bit more tolerable.

_ Still ugly as fuck. _

“Pelle,” called his mother. “Why don’t you go upstairs and get settled in while I finish up dinner. Your father should be home in a little while and then we can all talk. Okay?”

Dead nodded, remaining silent, afraid if he were to even try and talk he would break down once again and tell them everything that had happened. Without giving either of them a chance to talk to him anymore, Dead hurried up the stairs to his old bedroom. Opening the door he took in the small room. Anders had been right, nothing had been moved or changed except for the clean sheets on the bed and the now open window. All his comics were still on their shelves along with the dozens of cassette tapes next to the old radio he had found at the pawn shop.

It was a small comfort to be back, a flash of happiness crossed his mind but was gone as quickly as it had come. This was going to be their room. The room he had wanted her to share with him after they had gotten married and he took her away with him. He didn’t want to be bothered with Mayhem anymore. Didn’t want to deal with Euronymous every day and worrying when the next time they were going to eat would be. He would have happily given it all up to go to school so he could get a decent job and give her the life she deserved.

_ Maybe he will give it to her now…  _

Crossing the floor to the bathroom, Dead began searching the drawers for the bandages he had left behind. The blood had begun to drip down onto the floor beneath him, the stinging sensation in his arm increasing each time his jacket rubbed against the open wound. For a brief moment, Dead debated on cutting himself further. He had the time to do it, but at this rate he would have to worry about cleaning the mess afterwards.

_ Not unless I do it in the shower tonight. _

Yes. That’s exactly what he would do. If she no longer cared about him or his feelings, then why should he care if he hurt himself or not? It was his body, his choice. If there was one thing he was sure he could control it was his own damned body! No one was going to tell him what he could or couldn’t do anymore. If he wanted to feel pain, he would feel it. The bitterness he felt towards the world was the only constant thing that he knew would never betray him. 

_ They’re all the same in the end. No one ever  _ really _ cares about anyone else, it’s all survival of the fittest. In the end, we all end up dead and alone with no one left to remember our names. Fuck the fame. _

Dragging the blade across his arm once again, Dead let out a groan as the blood dripped down onto the floor.

“I’m done,” he growled, letting the blade fall from his hands as he rested his head against the wooden wall, sobbing violently as he wept for the heart that had once again been ripped from his chest, and for the love he thought he knew… 


	27. 27

As his eyes closed, he inhaled deeply, still catching the faint scent of her as if she were beside him. Extending his fingers out, he tried to reach for her but grasped nothing but air. His mouth fell open as he struggled to breathe, his lungs suddenly burning inside him as he cried out in agony. His hands grasped his head and covered his eyes, desperate to wake up from the hellish nightmare he was living. From outside the room, Dead could faintly hear his mother calling him, asking what was wrong. The strength to stand had left him completely as he cried out again, hoping for the quick release of death.

~

Vanessa pressed her head against the window of the train, her eyes closed in frustration as Euronymous continued to press her further about where she had come from and how she had managed something that, to him, seemed so far-fetched.

“This really isn’t as hard as you’re making it out to be,” she snapped. 

Hellhammer shook his head. “Maybe not for you, but to us this is just insane. Try seeing it from our eyes.”

“I guess you’re right.”

Euronymous stared her down, thinking of what to say next. “How is this so easy for you? You act like this shit is normal.”

“Because where I’m from it  _ is _ normal. Time travel isn’t something I came up with on my own. I work for a company that’s been using time travel for almost thirty years. There was a woman whose husband was murdered by a close friend of theirs. From what we all heard she wasn’t the same afterwards and was determined to figure out how to bring him back. Turns out it really wasn’t as hard as people made it out to be. It helps when you have a degree in a scientific areas though. But, once she figured it out, i think she was in her fifties at that point, not only did it work, but she made the information public so that people who wanted to learn from it could.”

Necro scoffed. “So this woman pretty much gave up her secrets for nothing? I have a hard time believing that bullshit.”

“She didn’t see it that way. All she wanted was her partner back. To her, everything else was secondary. She didn’t want the money or even the Nobel Prize they gave her, it didn’t mean anything to her because she had something money and fame couldn’t replace.”

“That’s touching and all but that still doesn’t tell me why you came back for Dead. The lady you just told us about went for her husband, someone she knew for a long time. You didn’t even know Dead, so why?”

Vanessa looked down at her hands, twisting her fingers nervously. “I wanted to give him a happier ending. To try and show him that someone cared for him enough to try and save him. I heard his story through Necrobutcher’s book and from documentaries and things like that, but something about him just called to me. When I started working on my machine I really wasn’t sure if I would go through with it. My bosses were trying to figure out new ways of making machines more profitable, more stylish so they could be sold to anyone who could afford it. Mine was what they wanted but it needed to be tested. The only problem with that was if they tested it, they would take it so I’d never be able to use it.”

“What about Dead’s dreams? He was obsessed with some woman in his dreams before you came along and then he just stopped talking about her. People don’t just forget about things that fast.”

“That’s because the woman he was seeing was finally more than just a dream. The dreams he was having and the nightmares I had before I came were the same dream. A vision of what could be if I failed to save him. It was always the same dream every night after I started building the machine, they became more vivid as time went on but I didn’t know that he would be having them too. I didn’t know he did until we talked about it. I don’t really know why we had the same dreams, it's something I haven’t been able to figure out.”

“I’m having a really fucking difficult time believing any of this crap,” grumbled Necro as he picked up the book Vanessa had brought with her. “But this, I believe this book. Every photograph I took is here along with ones I’ve never seen before. I don’t know exactly how much of this I really believe, but I think I speak for all of us when I say we will try and keep an open mind.”

“And whatever happens,” continued Euronymous, “we aren’t leaving without Dead.”

Vanessa tried her best to remain hopeful that Dead would come back with them, that he would listen to her side of the story so they could move on, but she doubted it would be that simple. She knew just how bad Dead’s anxiety was, how the voices he constantly heard in his head tormented him every waking moment, telling him he was never good enough or that every positive thing around him was just a lie. Euronymous certainly hadn’t helped anything before either. 

Watching out the train window, she listened to the muffled conversation between Euronymous and Hellhammer. What it was about she couldn’t figure, nor did she care. As she closed her eyes, she tried to focus on the positives, on Dead’s smiling face as they laid on the mattress in each other's arms while her fingers played with his hair. She smiled internally as she thought of the night she put the small braid in his hair, tucked away almost out of sight.

_ “What are you doing?” he laughed. _

_ Vanessa shook her head innocently as she continued to twist the strands of hair, tight enough to keep it together without needing to be tied off. Releasing the strand of hair, Vanessa smiled proudly at her work as Dead rolled his eyes, taking the hair in his fingers to examine it closer. No one had braided his hair before, no one had ever really been allowed to touch him like that.  _

_ Their eyes met as he rested his head against hers. “I won’t ever take it out.” _

_ Now it was Vanessa’s turn to roll her eyes. “You’ll have to take it out eventually, silly.” _

_ Dead poked his tongue out. “Watch me.” _

Vanessa let out a breath, watching as the window began to fog over. Her mind refused to stay silent, her thoughts focused on Dead and hoping with every fiber of her being that nothing bad had happened to him. Struggling to keep her eyes open Vanessa allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

~

Darkness surrounded the graveyard, the only light coming from the full moon above her head. The wind howled in the night blowing snow across her face, yet she wasn’t cold in the slightest. Her bare feet stood firmly planted in the snow beneath her as she took in her surroundings. Branches of decaying trees twisted about each other, some fell onto the ground in a heap while other's laid on top of headstones without a care. There was a dense forest behind the cemetery, a small pathway leading deeper into it surrounded by thorn bushes.

_ Where am I? _

Jumping slightly at the sound of a crow, Vanessa tried to move from where she stood. As if glued to the ground her feet refused to obey her even when the sound of approaching footsteps echoed in her ears. Turning around, she saw nothing. Her chest tightened in fear as the footsteps drew closer, but nothing appearing from the shadows. Shaking, she nervously turned back around only to be met with Dead’s icy blue eyes.

Vanessa wanted so badly to leap into his arms and tell him her side of the story but the grave look on his face kept her silent. His eyes held little to no emotion as they scanned over her. Raising his hand, Dead gently ran the tips of his fingers across her face; the touch so light she almost hadn’t felt it at all. For a brief moment his eyes softened, sadness lingering in his expression as he drew back his hand.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” he questioned, his voice almost inaudible. “I can’t stand the loneliness anymore. All I wanted was something that I could finally call my own. I thought that was you. Then again, maybe I’m meant to be alone. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you.”

Turning to leave her, Vanessa tried to call out to him with nothing more than air leaving her lips. Reaching out to grab him she stumbled to the ground, her feet finally free to move on their own. Pushing herself up Vanessa tried to keep up with Dead as he walked into the forest behind the graves. The rocks and sticks digging into her feet had her ready to cry out in agony, she hadn’t felt the effects of the snow or the ground before but now it was all hitting her at once. As she kept running deeper into the forest she could feel the blood on the bottoms of her freezing feet. Taking a glance back just to confirm that, she could see a trail of the bloody footprints behind her. Finally reaching a clearing, Vanessa had finally caught up to the Swede.

He faced her as he stood under the moonlight, the pain apparent in his eyes as she walked closer to him. His eyes closed the moment her hand touched his chest, gripping the small silver necklace he always kept on. 

“You don’t know the truth,” she managed to whisper.

Dead’s eyes snapped open. “I know everything.”

Yanking her hand away from him, snapping the cord of the necklace, Dead walked further into the woods leaving her behind once again. Vanessa tried to follow, but once again she found herself frozen in place with the wind whipping across her skin. This time, she could feel every ounce of pain from the bitter cold. Tears ran down to her cheek before freezing in place as she struggled to cry out for him to come back. Looking down at the small necklace in her hand, Vanessa gave in to the pain, wanting nothing more than to wake up from the hell that she now lived in.

“Hey!” 

Vanessa shot up from her seat, looking quickly around her before settling back down.

_ Just a dream…  _

Looking up she saw Euronymous with his bag across his shoulder.

“We’re here,” he stated. “You alright?”

Vanessa shook her head, looking down into her hand where Dead’s necklace had been.

“Just a bad dream I guess,” she confessed.

“About Dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll get him back. Come on, Hellhammer and Necro already went to go call us a cab. We should be at Dead’s parents house in an hour.”

Grabbing her bag, Vanessa followed Euronymous off of the train, trying once again to focus on the positives; but she also couldn’t ignore the feeling of dread deep in the pit of her stomach. One way or another, Dead would hear the truth.


	28. Chapter 28

Euronymous watched as the storm clouds rolled in, thunder rumbling off in the distance. It wouldn’t be long before the rain came, but he hoped they would at least be someplace dry when it did. Taking a glance out of the corner of his eye, he saw the worried expression on Vanessa’s face as she stood beside him as they waited for the cab to arrive. He would have been lying if he said he wasn’t slightly worried as well. Knowing what he knew about Dead, there was little room to predict how he would handle things once they got there. If by some chance he heard them out without causing much of a fuss and seeing things as they were, they would be on their way back home before tomorrow. If not, well, they would just have to cross that bridge when they got to it.

Reaching into his pocket, Euronymous pulled a pack of cigarettes out from his jacket pocket. He watched the tip glow bright orange as he lit the end, the smoke slowly rising into the sky. The nicotine did little to calm his nerves, the feeling in the pit of his stomach only growing in intensity. Reaching beside him he took hold of Vanessa’s hand, to his surprise she didn’t try to pull it away.

“This won’t end well, wil it?” she questioned.

Euronymous took a long drag of his cigarette, feeling her head on his shoulder. “Nope.”

Vanessa felt her eyes sting with fresh tears threatening to spill once more onto Euronymous’s shoulder. If Dead had seen them, it would have only sent him further over the edge thinking his assumption was right, but she couldn’t help the fact that she was now desperate for a friendly touch. Even if that touch was from the man who had tried so hard before to split the two of them up. He had changed, that much she saw. If he hadn’t he wouldn’t have helped her get here to find Dead, wouldn’t have been so willing to help her plan her surprise.

A low sob escaped as she pictured, what was supposed to be, the happy look on Dead’s face when they arrived in Transylvania. Euronymous had planned on having Hellhammer and Necro distract him for the day while he and Vanessa set up the small area before dark. Once the three of them came back at dark, the small ceremony would be set and she would be waiting for him at the top of the infamous Castle Dracula. 

“This isn’t at all what I had hoped for,” she muttered too low for Euronymous to hear.

The cab pulled up to the station, the driver motioning for them to climb in. As they walked, things started to move in slow motion, her legs suddenly feeling as though cinder blocks had been tied to her ankles. Euronymous did his best to push her along, but even he seemed to be moving slower than usual. As the four climbed into the car, Vanessa clung tightly to Euronymous, hoping that she was just worrying about nothing and that Dead would be reasonable, but things so far with him had never been as easy as she hoped.

~

There was no calm before the storm. The rain fell as if someone had cut a hole into the sky, releasing it all at once. The once gray clouds had turned almost black as they covered the remaining sunlight above; nighttime had come early. The flashes of lightning illuminated the sky before the harsh clap of thunder broke the uneasy silence that filled the car. Jumping slightly from his seat, Euronymous broke out of his mind and glanced over at Vanessa. Her eyes mirrored the world outside, a storm of her own brewing deep within her eyes as tears ran down her face. He could feel her body tense up each time she came close to breaking down, the jolts that went through her causing her to shake as she swallowed her cries in an attempt to appear strong. Trying to keep herself thinking only of the positives. But there were no positives to be found anymore.

Life seemed to have a way of making things seem bleak, meaningless. Empty. Euronymous couldn’t begin to count how many times he had cried since Vera’s death. What reason was there for a so called “loving” God to torture his creations? Why have someone die before they even had a real chance to live? Maybe stories of Satan were just people’s attempt at denying God’s cruelty. Maybe there really was no Devil. Just a God who wanted his people to suffer needlessly.

Looking back out the window, Euronymous watched as the harsh winds bent the trees to a breaking point, pushing the snow through them until it seemed they were going to fall to the ground at any moment. There was no way they would be getting back home until this storm passed. It would be a miracle if they were able to even get a room in Sweden for the night if they weren’t able to stay with Dead. 

_ We don’t have the fucking money for a hotel room. Dead better get his shit together by the time we get there. _

Giving Vanessa’s hand a small squeeze, Euronymous tried his best to silently comfort her for the remaining drive. He wanted to talk to her, tell her it would be alright in the end, but even he knew there was no point wasting his breath. There was no way to know what was going to happen and he knew better than anyone that saying things would be alright was just the human default when you couldn’t come up with a better bullshit thing to say.

Her pain was all too familiar to him. There hadn’t been anything that could have made Vera’s death any easier on him except for time. Words of comfort only fueled the anger and hurt he had been feeling at the time. He wasn’t sure why people tried to comfort someone simply by saying that they understood. No, they didn’t. Maybe they had a similar experience, but they could never understand how either of them felt.

There was no part of him that wanted to understand how Vanessa felt. He didn’t want to know what flooded her mind at this moment. There was not one scrap of his being that wanted to experience the pain of a misunderstanding so great that it cost him the one he loved. And if everything Vanessa had told them was true about being from another time period, it only made all the more unbearable in his mind. Giving up everything you’ve ever known, leaving any family and friends behind all for the sake of  _ one  _ person? 

_ Maybe if it meant saving Vera I wouldn’t be so closed minded about it. _

It made sense to a certain degree. But the difference between Vera and Dead is that everyone in Vanessa’s time knew who Dead was. Vera was just a random person in the eyes of the world. Had Mayhem been famous when she died then maybe it would have made more sense for him to come back for her. But she wasn’t. Vanessa had come back specifically for Dead. What was so amazing about the annoying Swede that was worth going through all that trouble? The questions had his head hurting.

_ Fuck if I know. _ He resolved.  _ Guess I’ll never really know. _

He didn’t have time to question anything else by the time the cab pulled up next to the gray house that Dead often talked about. Turning to face her, Euronymous squeezed Vanessa’s hand once more.

“Ready?” he questioned.

Vanessa shook her head, tears still falling. “No.”

As she stepped out of the cab, Vanessa watched as the front door opened and the man she adored so much stepped out onto the worn porch, his eyes almost as red as her own.

“Get out of here,” he snapped, his voice hoarse.

Vanessa shook her head. “Not until you know the truth!”

“I know everything!”

Euronymous stepped between them. “You don’t know shit, Dead! Just shut up and listen to her for fuck sake!”

Storming over to where they stood, Vanessa could see more clearly the pain written on Dead’s face.

“Why? Why the fuck did you bring  _ him _ here?” he yelled. “It’s not enough to make plans behind my back to marry this fucker but to bring him here is fucked!”

Pushing past Euronymous Vanessa made her way over to Dead, clinging to his arm. “If you just hear me out you’ll know it was nothing more than a misunderstanding. I never made plans behind your back!”

“Bullshit! I fucking heard the two of you talking when I came downstairs!”

“Pelle, please it’s not like that! I don’t know what you heard but…”

Grabbing her wrist, Dead continued to scream. “I heard e-fucking-nough! I’m tired of being the one that always gets hurt! I’m sick of being the damn punching bag! I thought you were the one, I thought we would be together forever like we talked about! I know I’m a fucked up mess but I would never hurt you like that! I’m done!”

His finger pressed against the button on her watch. Vanessa’s eyes widened as she watched him turn back towards the house completely soaked from the rain. Her heart felt as though it were literally breaking, sinking into the deepest depths of her stomach as she ran to catch up with him before he got inside the house. Dead continued to walk inside, looking back once to see her coming across the yard to the stairs. 

“Pelle, please!” she cried as she got onto the porch. “It was supposed to be a surprise for  _ you! _ It was meant to be our wedding!”

Stopping in his tracks Dead went to question her further, but the moment she crossed the threshold of the house, she had vanished. His heart sank as the realization hit him full force. He could faintly hear Euronymous and the other's cried out in disbelief.

“You idiot!” screamed Euronymous as he shook the vocalist. “She wasn’t going to fucking marry me! She was planning a fucking trip to Transilvanya for  _ you _ ! She was planning your goddamn wedding! You fucking moron!”

Dead sank to his knees, sobbing into his hands. “What have I done?”


	29. Chapter 29

“You fucking idiot!” screamed Euronymous as he shoved Dead to the ground. “You can’t just lose your damn temper like that  _ every time _ you get upset about something! If you had just fucking talked to her you would have known what we were doing!”

Dead listened as Euronymous continued to scream, not bothering to get up from the ground as the rain covered him in mud.

“She wanted you to think we were just doing tours,” continued the guitarist, inching closer to him. “This whole fucking thing was going to end in  _ your _ wedding once we got to Romania, but you completely fucked that all up!”

He wanted to argue, to fight back and yell at Euronymous; to blame anyone but himself for pushing her so far out of his reach. How could he? Euronymous hadn’t sent her back, he didn’t do anything except try and help her. So why did he want to push all of the blame on him?

_ Because of the hell he put you through. You want him to be the cause of this simply so you can finally stand up to him.  _

It made sense. With all the torment Euronymous had put him through in the past it made sense why he would automatically blame the guitarist for the love of his life being taken away from him. Risking a glance up at the guitarist, Dead sobbed.

“Wh...what do I do?” he cried out.

Euronymous glared daggers at the blond, wanting so badly to punch him. “Only thing you can do is wait. You want her back? Then you need to get to her the hard way and man the fuck up.”

“But...but I…”

“I don’t  _ care _ what you want! You fucked up and now you’re going to have to pay for it! Either you can wait and find her in her time, or you can shut the fuck up and move on.”

“No! I won’t be with anyone else. I’ll wait as long as I need to if it means getting her back.”

“Get the fuck off the ground. We need to seriously start getting our shit together.”

“We can talk inside.”

~

“You should have told us you were leaving,” scolded a tall, older male.

Vanessa trembled as she fought back another wave of sobs. “I couldn’t risk anyone coming after me, Roy.”

“What was so important? Why would you take so many risks and not tell a damned soul? We’ve been good to you haven’t we? Or have I done something to make you think you couldn’t trust me?”

“No! You and Spencer were always like family to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I honestly wasn’t planning on coming back.”

“Then why did you push the emergency return?”

Vanessa couldn’t bring herself to answer, each time her mouth opened to speak it only felt like a weight was being pressed against her chest. Her head fell into her hands as the cries she fought so hard to contain broke free. How was she supposed to explain why she was here? How could she tell them what she had done?

“Surely it can’t be that bad,” Roy comforted. “It will be alright, my dear, you’ll see.”

Struggling to catch her breath Vanessa turned to Roy. “I...I need a computer. Please, don’t ask why just get me a computer.”

Roy hesitated, skeptical for a moment before walking over to his desk. Picking up the laptop he turned back to her.

“What year was it when you left, Vanessa?” he questioned.

“2012. Why do you ask?”

Setting the computer down in front of her, Roy took her hand. “My dear, it’s now 2015. I don’t know where you ran off to, but time has moved on without you.”

“That shouldn’t be possible! I designed the machine to completely stop everything here so nothing changed. No one was supposed to know I was gone!”

“I see. You’re not the first to try and create that design. There have been quite a few who have attempted it but have failed. I’m sorry to say that time has continued and you are now twenty-four years old. We realized after almost a week that something wasn’t right so Spencer and myself went to your house to see what was going on. When we went into the basement we found your machine very much active. We looked at the log and knew immediately that you had left us. Thankfully we were able to transport it here on the off chance you did return.”

“Why bring it here?”

“I wanted to know when you came back. More importantly I wanted to make sure you returned safe. I don’t know why you left, and frankly it’s not important. You do what you need to do, just tell me if you need my help. As for your machine, I’m sorry to say, it is non-functional at the moment. We will be attempting to repair it but in its current condition it may take some time.”

Vanessa nodded. “Thank you. I’ll let you know my next step as soon as I know.”

Nodding once, Roy left the room. Vanessa ran her hand across the laptop before opening it. 

_ Please be alive...please...please… _

**MAYHEM TO BEGIN U.S. TOUR!**

**VOCALIST ANNOUNCES TOUR OF ALL 50 STATES IN HIS ATTEMPT TO**

**SEARCH FOR THE MYSTERIOUS WOMAN WHO HE LET GO YEARS AGO WITH**

**AFTER PARTY TO FOLLOW EACH SHOW! ACCESS GRANTED TO ALL **

**WHO ATTEND THE SHOW!**

_ He’s alive! _

Vanessa continued reading the articles, seeing just how much Mayhem had changed since she had been there. All of them were still alive. Her heart pounded in excitement as she read multiple interviews with Dead, each one bringing up the mysterious woman that had been mentioned. He seemed to keep the details to himself, only saying that the woman was someone he had let go over a small misunderstanding and that he wasn’t sure where she was now or if she even wanted to see him again.

_ He’s looking for me? _

Looking through the tour dates, Vanessa’s heart jumped in excitement as she saw that the date for her state was only a month away. 

Securing her ticket for the upcoming show, Vanessa quickly closed the computer before making her way out of the room. 

“I found you once, I’ll find you again.”


	30. Chapter 30

Keeping his head down Dead's gaze was locked on the table beneath him as the voices of his friends echoed around him. He had tuned out Euronymous after being berated by the guitarist for a good forty-five minutes, naturally followed by Hellhammer and Necro commenting on how stupid he had been for even thinking Vanessa would _want _to be with Euronymous after everything that had happened.

_Why hasn't she tried to come back?_

The thought festered in his mind. Why hasn't she tried to come back yet? Surely she could if she really wanted to. Was she really done with him now? Even if she was he couldn't blame her.

_But she wanted me to know the truth._

Slowly lifting his head, Dead looked at Euronymous with bloodshot eyes. "Why hasn't she tried to come back yet?"

"Maybe because she can't believe you did that," snapped the guitarist. "Fuck if I know. If I had to guess, it's either because she's in complete shock or because she literally can't for some reason."

"Why wouldn't she be able to?"

Euronymous growled. "You ask this shit like I'm some kind of fucking expert! Why the hell do you think I know any more than you do? We all literally just found all this out trying to find you! If anyone should be asking questions it's us! You _knew_ about her and didn't bother to say anything! I mean, fuck! This shit involved both of us remember? As far as her time period is concerned we're both rotting right now!"

His lip trembled, choking back the sobs that racked his body. As much as he didn't want to believe it, Euronymous was probably right. How was he supposed to know anything? Even Dead didn't know what would happen when he sent her back. For all he knew, coming back for him could have only worked once.

Hellhammer set his beer down on the table. "So what's the plan?"

"We keep booking shows," stated Euronymous dryly. "There's nothing we can really do at this point. I think if she was gonna come back she would be here by now. If everything works out the way she wants it to, we should be one of the biggest bands in the world right now along with Dead and I still being alive."

"You're saying we have to find her the hard way?" questioned Necro.

"Unfortunately. She said she was from some point in 2012 or some shit like that so that gives us, let me think for a second...around twenty-four or twenty-five years, give or take, to get there."

"Almost thirty fucking years?" whispered Dead. I have to wait that long?"

Euronymous rolled his eyes. "Well smartass, if you had listened from the start we wouldn't be in this position. The only problem is that the future us is literally riding on the fame that Dead's suicide gave us."

"Wait," interrupted Necro. "Maybe we can make it _look_ like Dead is, well, Dead. All we would need are some gory props and some good makeup and blood and we could make it look real as hell!"

Hellhammer nodded. "I'm sure Melanie could help us out there."

Necro shook his head. "Believe me, I love what your girlfriend does..."

"She's not my girlfriend!" Hellhammer yelled as he punched his friend in the arm.

"Not yet she isn't. Anywhore, we need someone professional to do this. It has to look like Dead really did blow his brains out."

"What the hell is going on?" demanded Anders as he entered the kitchen. "Why are you talking about my brother being dead?"

Euronymous rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about it. This doesn't concern you."

"It does concern me! He's my brother! He hasn't been right since he came back! We just had to bandage him up after he tried carving himself like a turkey!"

Dead shook his head. "For once Euronymous is right, this really doesn't concern you. All we are discussing is a potential album cover that will help us get famous. It isn't as drastic as it sounds."

Anders watched skeptically as his brother toyed with his fingers. "What happened to you, Pelle? Who hurt you so badly this time?"

Dead scoffed. "This time, little brother, there is no one else to blame but myself."

"There must be something I can do to help you," he pleaded. "I want to help you through this. Maybe if you talk to _mor_..."

"Nej. I'm not telling her anything about this. I suggest you stay quiet too."

"Varför släpper du inte in mig?" argued Anders.

Dead glared over at his little brother, knowing full well that his friends didn't understand what he was saying.

"Eftersom jag behöver göra detta på egen hand!"

The argument continued for a few moments before Dead slammed his fists down on the table.

"Shut up! This conversation is done! You can't help us with this!"

"Dead," muttered Hellhammer. "He's just trying to help you. You're his older brother after all. Just calm down."

Dead nodded, taking deep heavy breaths as he did. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled like that. I just...want her back."

Anders looked at him in confusion. "This is all about a girl? You never told us you had a girlfriend!"

Necro chuckled, taking a sip of his beer. "Oh he had a girlfriend alright. She was actually about to marry your brother in a few months."

"Why didn't you tell us when we came to get you? Why wasn't she with you?"

Dead broke down once more, his cries no longer muffled. "Because I didn't listen to her. I thought she lied to me in the worst ways, but she didn't. I pushed her so far away that I don't know if she'll ever forgive me."

Anders nodded, wrapping an arm around his brother. "You'll find her, Pelle. And when you do, marry her on the spot."

Dead tried to smile through the tears, his vision of a long black dress in his mind, but the regret he felt kept the frown plastered on his face. Reaching for another bottle of beer, Dead wasted no time in gulping it down. He hoped the intoxication would be enough to wipe the pain away, hoped it would wake him up from the god-awful nightmare he was living; or at the very least make him suffer. Looking out the window as the storm continued to rage, Dead set the now empty bottle back down on the table beside the other three.

"You need to calm down," muttered Euronymous. "Alcohol poisoning won't get you to her any faster."

Dead glared, his reddened eyes burning with anger. "Shut up."

"Just trying to help."

"I don't need help! I want the fucking pain to go away!"

The three groaned out, getting more annoyed by the second that Dead still hadn't gotten on the same page.

"Look," snapped Hellhammer. "There isn't jack-shit we can do about it now. The only thing we can do is move forward and get to where we need to be. If we want to have any chance of making it to the states then we need to fucking focus and _you_ need to stop with the pity party. Yeah, you fucked up, but it's not the end of the world. I know for a fact that she still loves you and honestly, you two are probably together as we speak laughing it off in Transylvania with the other vampires out there."

Dead couldn't help the soft smile as he tried to imagine what they'd be doing. "Maybe you're right. I just wonder what we're doing now."

_*Varför släpper du inte in mig--why don't you let me in?_

_*Eftersom jag behöver göra detta på egen hand--Because I need to do this on my own!_

*_Mor--Mother_


	31. Chapter 31

Euronymous listened as Necro and Hellhammer talked, voicing their own concerns with everything. From things like production costs to actually making a real name for themselves, both members were worried about how they were supposed to make a success of themselves without being able to ride on the fame that had started them off. Obviously, both Necro and Hellhammer didn’t want Dead killing himself, but the cost of having a professional actually doing what they were asking was out of their price range for sure and although Melanie had somewhat decent skills, there was no possible way she could tackle the project on her own.

Maybe if Melanie supplied the makeup and supplies and they supplied the blood, whoever did the makeup could lower the price? But even that would still cost more than they had. 

_ Maybe if he actually killed himself I’d have a chance with her. _

Euronymous shuddered at the thought, hating himself for even thinking it to begin with. Sure, he still wished that someone like her had come back for him, but.. 

_ Wait. If what she said about traveling back in time is true…  _

“Vera,” he spoke aloud.

Hellhammer paused, looking over at his friend with concern. “What’s wrong?”

His eyes widened as he opened and shut his mouth before answering. “I can save her!”

Necro furrowed his brow, confused at the sudden outburst. “What are you talking about?”

“Vanessa, she said that this whole thing was normal where she’s from! If...if we get there...if we get to where she is, then I can do what Vanessa did for Dead! I can go back and save her!”

The room went silent as the three men stared at the guitarist. His mouth twitched, smiling one moment before falling into a frown again. His eyes began to water just as he blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. He could never cry in front of these three. His pride was too great to let him appear weak. But in this moment, a small fraction of him didn’t care if he seemed weak. He didn’t care about putting on a brave face anymore. All he had to do was be patient a little longer and he could have everything he had ever wanted. He could have his life exactly the way he wanted. To have his cake and eat it too. In a perfect world, Vera would be waiting for him backstage at one of their shows, her lips on his the moment he walked back to her.

_ If I went back for her, would that change Vanessa coming back for Dead? Would he still be alive? _

He wanted to be able to say he didn’t care, that maybe him changing his past wouldn’t affect Dead or Vanessa, but how was he supposed to be sure? Would he be willing to risk Dead and Vanessa’s relationship just to be able to see Vera one last time? Was it even worth the risk?

_ It’s not like you wouldn’t still start Mayhem. She’d still come for him, I would just have Vera in the picture. _

It made sense, after all, starting a band had always been his dream. 

Necrobutcher broke the silence. “You could go back for her the same way Vanessa did for Dead.”

The realization in his tone reflected on Hellhammer’s face. “Oh shit! See! Now we have to figure out this damn album cover!”

Euronymous looked over at Dead, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know we all have our days when we could fucking kill each other, but, I need your help with this. We need to stick together and get to where we need to go and we can’t do that without you. So, are you ready to get this show on the road?”

The blond locked eyes with the guitarist, searching for any hint of sarcasm or any alterior motive the man might have, but the look in his eyes told him nothing but the truth. Euronymous was being truthful, and if either of them wanted a happier ending then they would need to help each other.

_ Maybe if he has Vera again he won’t come after Vanessa anymore. _

Dead fought the urge to cringe at the thought. The nightmares he had of the two of them still lingered in the back of his mind. Looking out the corner of his eye at Necro and Hellhammer, Dead nodded in agreement.

“Alright,” he whispered. “Let’s figure it out.”

Euronymous gave Dead’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Good! It’s getting late though and we’ve all had a long fucking day. We need to get some rest. Any chance your parents would let us stay here for a day or two until we can get back home?”

Dead shrugged. “I suppose I could go see what we can do. I’ll talk to them when they get home and see what they say.”

“Even if it’s just for a day so we can get some rest we can at least catch a train tomorrow evening.”

“We could always put them in the basement,” suggested Anders with a smirk. “We have those old couches down there they could sleep on and  _ mor  _ wouldn’t even know since she doesn’t like going down there.”

“What’s wrong with the basement?” questioned Euronymous.

Anders laughed, shaking his head. “Nothing is really  _ wrong  _ with it. It’s just cold and creepy at times so  _ mor _ doesn’t like going down there. Most anything that would have been put down there got put in the attic.”

Dead shrugged. “I guess it could work, but I know they’re hungry too. I don’t want to just let them starve. I’ll talk to them when they get home. In the meantime, Anders, why don’t you make some lunch or something.”

“Whatever.”

_ Maybe when this is all over we can all finally be happy. _

Dead wanted to believe that they would get their fame, that their plan would work and the album cover would be real enough to skyrocket them to real fame. But would it work? Would a fake suicide photo really pass for a real death? Just from what Vanessa had told him about his death, it was a complete mess. From the bits he remembered about what happened to Euronymous, his death wasn’t much better.

_ But stab wounds are easier to create than a blown off head. _

Couldn’t they just do that? Fake Euronymous getting stabbed and use that? Why did it have to be his death that started the whole thing? 

_ Why does it matter? If it’s my death that pushed us to fame then I need to suck it up. We won’t get to her if I don’t. _

“I’ll start making some phone calls when we get back,” started Dead. “I’ll see how much it’ll all be if we supply the makeup and blood and we can get this shit started. And once we get to where we need to be, I don’t care how long it takes, we’re doing a full country tour of the states, not leaving any major city left out, until we find her. We’ll do it every fucking year if we have to, but that’s all I ask out of this.”

Euronymous thought it over. “Alright. A full fifty state tour once we hit the year she told us she was from and doing it every year until we find her? I guess that can be worked out.”

“It’s settled then. We leave first thing tomorrow.”


End file.
